Oh Hai

I'd like to point out something about myself. I'm not a hardcore player. I wish I could devote that sort of effort and dedication to this game, but, put most succinctly, I'm too lazy. Also I like having fun, and while sometimes that means wiping on Ultraxion fifteen or twenty times...usually it doesn't. Usually I find the most joy in leveling (yet another) alt. In fact I wanted to name this blog something like "Altoholics R Us" or "Altoholics Anonymous" but somebody else had already absconded with those names. Nothing worse than finding out you weren't original, eh? Anyway. I will admit I have honestly no idea where I'd like to go with this blog. Possibly I will just let it be my WoW Journal...to that end, be prepared for an occasional rant or two. Like the pally healer in the Nexus today who wouldn't take Righteous Fury off. Or when people queue as DPS for Dragon Soul but order the ones that queued as tanks to stand down because they're tanking. Or just one more warrior tank (somehow it seems like it is always the warriors) that wants to sprint through the entire instance. Howsoever, there are plenty of things that I could go on about positively. Like the paladin who gave my little level 15 a ride from Silvermoon City to Ashenvale so I could get some lowlevel pvp gear (and by the way, there really needs to be better options for gear lower than level 60). Or even I myself who dropped about a thousand gold on some random person who had done refer-a-friend and was still sporting gear from Scarlet Monastery at level 80 (and btw, am I the only one who is supremely excited about the remake of that for Mists?).

Anyway. As you have no doubt figured out already, I tend to ramble. Howsoever, I feel like playing the game itself for now. So in conclusion...fear my undead army.

A brief farewell

Hey you. Yes, I'm talking to you, the one or two people that read this blog. I shan't be writing any more for a while, at least not here. I'm not at the point were I can honestly or truthfully write on a blog called "Strong through Life." Darkness Everpressing is much more honest, and that's where I shall be writing for the foreseeable future.

Sometimes I think Breaking Benjamin went poking around in my head for song material...

"Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

"I don't want to change the world
I just want to leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shove the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end from dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shove the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold-blooded, fake
I will shove the world away"
~I Will Not Bow

"Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

Suddenly the lights go out
Let forever drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's go to be?
Don't bury me, faceless enemy
I'm so sorry, is this the way it's go to be, dear Agony?"
~Dear Agony

"It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away
Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way
And I can't remember how it all began to pay
I suffer, I live to fight and die another day

Fast I fade away, it's almost over, hold on
Slow, I suffocate, I'm cold and broken alone"
~Fade Away

"Here I lie forever, sorrow still remains
Will the water pull me down and wash it all away?
Come and take me over, welcome to the game
Will the current drag me down and carry me away?
Suddenly the light begins to fade

Hopeless, I'm falling down
Filthy, I can't wake up
I cannot hold on, I will not let go
Worthless, it's over now
Guilty, there's no way out
I cannot hold on, I will not ago

Silent I go under, I am not afraid
I can see the daylight shine and slowly drift away
Safe to say it's over, sink into the grave
There is nothing left inside but I am wide awake
I can hear the devil call my name"
~Hopeless

(this one is a little different, in that I don't seem myself saying this, but others saying it to me)
"Take a breath, hold it in
Start a fight, you won't win
Had enough, let's begin
Never mind, I don't care

All in all, you're no good
You don't cry like you should
Let it go if you could
When love dies in the end

So I'll find what lies beneath your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me 'cause you're so unkind
I will always be here for the rest of my life

Here we goes, does it hurt?
Say goodbye to this world
I will not be undone
Come to life, it gets worse

Don't carry me under
You're the devil in disguise
God sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind"
~What Lies Beneath

Free Write

"I don't want to change the world
I just want to leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it all
Take the path that leads to nowhere" ~Breaking Benjamin

I have a goal right now, to write until I have no words left. That might be sooner than you'd think, since I can't seem to find any words to start with. Maybe some more Breaking Benjamin...

"I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away...
And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change."

I refuse to give in, I refuse to give up...how much will that refusal cost me? And while I'd like to say I'll never change, I think we all know how true that would be. All the things about myself that I have always wished would stay the same have changed, and of course the things about me I despise have remained. 'Tis the way of life, I suppose.

"How long can I fight this?
How long 'till I fall?"
"I can't run from the shadows
From what's in my mind
No matter how fast I run
I can't leave them behind"

I used to pray a lot. Sometimes, I even thought God might answer. It was the lack of any response on his part, ever, that first drove me from Christianity. Then, of course, the more I considered it, the more I became convinced of its falseness. But that was after I had already rejected it. Beforehand, I looked at a God who promised love, who called himself my Father...who also ignored every plea for help, who (being in control of and having planned for everything that happens) chose for my life to not only be utterly destroyed, but to stay that way for nearly a decade. I am still trying to rebuild it, in fact. People tried to write this off as man's free will - leaving me a God either unwilling or unable to intervene in the world. They like to talk of man's free will as if it is this inalienable facet of his being that is never (speaking in the Scriptural traditions, obviously) overwritten by an omnipotent God. The Bible itself shows that not to be true. And so I looked at God, and rejected him not because (at the time) I didn't believe he existed, but because I believed he did and was an absolute jerk. It was only after that, as I thought and read and considered more, that I came to realize that the Bible was too riddled with logical inconsistencies (not to mention its historical failings) to ever be a valid source for a true religion. Given that all we think of as "God" is based on the Bible, I therefore rejected that God (at least as I had been raised to consider him) actually existed. I'm not denying that there may be a Creator (or creators), or even something similar to what is currently called "God," but the God of the Judeo-Christian Bible is a myth.

I have the feeling I will take a lot of flack for that last paragraph. Fortunately, I don't care. This blog is, essentially, my journal, and while I am willing (and perhaps foolish) enough to share, I don't really give a damn what anybody else thinks about it. This is, of course, why I'm not allowed comments (unless I post this and forget to turn them off, in which case ignore this sentence), although you are free to email me.

You know what? Talking about the faith I used to have isn't really doing me any good. It isn't doing any harm, either, but it is pointless, just words on a page. Then again, I guess it serves the purpose of keeping my mind focused on something. That's kind of a losing battle, though, so I'll move on to what I originally wanted to make words about. Yes, I know this is already longer than most of my blog posts; it was just a really long rambling intro. Hush.

It feels odd to crack jokes when all I really feel capable of doing is staring at a blank journal page and then eventually (if I'm lucky) burst into tears. (In case you were wondering, I won't be lucky. Tears are, for the most part, a luxury I am not afforded. They tend to provide some measure of healing, and my depression does not allow that, not now at least.) But I keep writing year after year, in hopes that something will change.

I find myself forgetting that I had a few months (all to brief) where the depression was (for lack of a better term) in remission. It hasn't been that long ago, but even so I find it hard to remember what freedom tasted like, and what is this hope of which you speak? I was foolish to think that, for no apparent reason, a decade of depression would just up and walk away. I guess that is what hope is, though; foolish, and yet necessary, if I am not to go screaming off into the blackness that is my life and allow it to close itself around me forever. Although screaming itself would be an acceptable option if I had enough energy to even think about something like that.

This is where the Internet allows me to deceive you, by the way. It is a lot easier to inject a simulacrum of life into a written word than it is into real, face-to-face interactions. Sometimes people don't believe I am as depressed as I am because "your writing is so alive!" (actual quote) I find it hard to believe it myself sometimes. how can I sit here, desiring nothing more than to just stare at the wall, and indeed feeling capable of no more than that, and turn out blog posts and pictures and poems as if I were some productive member of society? I have no idea. At least I'm not alone in that, though. I have seen so much extraordinary art turned out by people in the deepest depths of depression that it is very nearly the rule, not the exception. Every one of them, however, would trade all the productivity away if offered the chance at hope and freedom.

Speaking of alone...I am. It is the only facet of my depression that I can take nearly full responsibility for. It happens every time. I feel the onslaught of darkness, and instead of turning to those who love me to help shore up what few defenses I posses, I withdraw from them. The motives vary by person...my love I don't want to hurt or worry, so I hide the darkness from him until it is too late for him to help and I cannot hide it anymore (yes, some small part of me knows this causes him more worry/stress in the long run, but depression and logic don't exactly get along usually). For my friends...well, the majority of them feel helpless in the face of my depression, and deal with that by ignoring it completely, so really, what would be the point of going to them anyway? I have one friend that is closer than most, and would feel okay asking for help...except that it is too easy to spread my depression to her, and I already lost her once because of it. So yeah, definitely not going that route again. So I'll deal with this by myself, and conquer or be vanquished by my own power.

I would be dishonest if I didn't mention another facet of depression. The blade. I have not returned to it...but I want to. And each day as I sink deeper into the abyss my resistance crumbles a little more. Because, truthfully, self-injury does work. It provides a release from the darkness (or the pain), lets you feel alive for a while. The problem with it was never that it didn't work. But are the consequences worth the "remedy"? I've already had the scars I posses used to deny me a job. The whole cutting thing reared its ugly head in our custody case, as well (although the way their lawyer tried to emphasize it just made him look foolish and was actually rather humorous). Granted, there are places I could cut where prospective employers would never see, and I do possess the ability to keep my mouth shut (no matter how rarely I actually use it). But that reasoning leaves out the intense pain it causes my beloved when I cut. I wish it didn't, both because I don't want to cause him any pain in any way ever, and because I do really want to cut. I wish he could let it hurt him less, but I know that if he did, it would be because he cared for me less, and I don't want that. So for now, well, I will continue not to cut. But there may come a time when there is so much darkness that blood red is more desirable than spending one more moment in the abyss. I hope that day never comes. I am terrified it will, because cutting is addictive and I will not be able to stop when I need to. But for now, well...I will fight on. Because, at this moment, Love is worth more than relieving the darkness.

And so I come near to the end of words for now. Perhaps today will be a better day. One can always hope. even if it is pointless.

"I am falling apart. I can hardly sleep, I barely eat, and each new day sinks me deeper... I am falling to that place where I feel nothing and I don't even care, half the time I'm there already... I haven't returned to the blade...yet. But it is calling to me; it asks me how long will I survive without it? And the answer is, I don't know. I don't know how long I can resist its siren song. It tells me no one need know; I could hide it well enough if I so desired... I'm losing my grip. I'm losing my ability to tell what is right and wrong, and I'm having trouble caring. So many thoughts are crashing through my head like waves, and I'm drowning. Help me."
Nearly a year ago I sent that in an email. It is exactly as true now as it was then. And if that email came after literally years of darkness with no discernible break, and I feel the same way now after only a few weeks, months at the most...well, let's just say I don't have a lot of hope at this point.

To: feartodoubt. Love: Threnody

Hello there, feartodoubt. You mentioned finding my blog and reading it. I hope you find this. You may be searching for answers; at this point I don't care. I despise you. Why? Because you used my illness as a weapon against me. You turned my depression into an estimation of my worth. And that is not okay. That is not acceptable. Perhaps I was overconfident when I declared I had emerged from my depression. Or perhaps I just let myself hope too hard. Be that as it may..."it sounds to me as though you had lost"? Lost what? A struggle against depression? Perhaps. My battle against SI? Not yet, I haven't. Perhaps a better question would be, what is there to win? Is this a race, a contest? Is it even over yet? I would venture to say no. No, this is a war, and while yes, I did emerge triumphant from a years-long battle (however brief the armistice was), and also yes, I am now losing a months-long fight...no, this isn't the end. So please save your judgment of the worth of my arguments based on my disability for another time. That is to say, stop judging my arguments as an exChristian based on a mental illness I cannot control.

Thanks
~Threnody

Afraid of...sleep?

I fear sleeping nowadays. I don't really know why, but I face each advent of sleep with something akin to terror. I don't know what I think will happen, just that it must be avoided at all costs. So I've stopped sleeping, for the most part, this week. I only lay down when I absolutely cannot function anymore, and even then I lie awake as my brain tries desperately to fight...what? Since this is usually about the time my son is getting up, I tend to not have the chance to sleep deeply or long anyway, which is okay with the part of me that is irrationally terrified of a necessity.

The fun thing about depression, though, is that it feeds on tiredness, on weariness. So while I am busy saving myself (from what?), I am in effect opening the gate for the darkness to just have its way with me. I can't win...but then, in dealing with depression, so few can. I am so tired of fighting the darkness, of trying to outrun it. It is going to come no matter what I do...would it be so horrible if I just let it? Even the darkness and emptiness would be better than the fear and utter weariness I stumble through now, wouldn't it?

What can I say...

...the servers were down for maintenance.

Sometimes I wish I could cry

Found on the Cheezburger Network

I found this comment randomly on the Internet. It was in a reply to someone stating that most major wars in civilized history were started by religion. I don't agree with everything he/she/it has to say, but I found it worthy enough of reflection that I will post it here for further inspection.

You need to clarify that statement. Wars, yes, I could actually buy that as a legitimate argument. An actual declarations between sovereign nations over economic disputes…yeah, I can see that. I tend to disagree because the exploitation of religion is easy to use as a means to an end of economic gain (such as the claim that slavery was condoned in the Bible -which it is- making the cession from the Union a necessary act to preserve the institution of slave labor, ensuring continued economic prosperity at the expense of human life.)Mass conflicts resulting in violence and bloodshed? Not even close. The Israelis and Palestinians aren’t just “fighting” and “killing” one another because they can’t decide in taxation issues. In Ireland, Catholics and Protestants are bombing one another because they are upset over a new tariff. The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, the European abuse of natives (multiple continents), the war on terror, slavery, the conflict between Sunnis and Shiites, and on and on and on.Maybe it is still for economic gain, and religion is being exploited by those in control for profit, and undermining the true efforts of whatever faith is actually being discussed, but it can not be denied or ignored that the bulk of human suffering and misery, now and throughout history, can be traced to, at the very least, the perversion of some religion, somewhere, in order to justify rather abhorrent and evil acts of atrocity.Find me someone, somewhere, willing to fight, kill and die for something they don’t believe to be right. Then ask that person if their determination of what’s “right” or “wrong,” their own personal morality, doesn’t stem from their faith and their religion. Then put the two together and see just how culpable religion is when it comes to war and fighting.

A new direction, perhaps

You really shouldn't let me have a straight edge

This Journey Is My Own

I love to help others. In fact, more than once, I have gotten myself in trouble trying to help someone else. If someone is hurt, or scared, or confused, or trapped, I will do whatever I can to fix their problem. I think that is part of the problem I find myself running into now. I want to help people escape the trap of Christianity. And so I try to argue, to fight, to convince them to find true freedom. But I forget, that isn't why Lalaith and I started writing this blog. We started writing it for ourselves, to make a record of our journey into untwisting the tangled web. That is why no one outside ourselves saw it for so long; it wasn't written for your benefit, but for ours. 

Sure there are inconsistencies. But I don't need to defend them to you. If you would be so kind as to point them out (using quotes if possible), I will try to address them. But not to satisfy you, no. I will face and overcome contradictions and inconsistencies so that I (not you) can look myself in the face with confidence. To be perfectly honest, I don't care if you think I'm wrong, inconsistent, contradictory, or even mentally unbalanced. The opinion of people on the Internet (that I don't even know) matters now a whit to me. Because (to repeat myself, in case you didn't catch it the first time) I'm not writing for your benefit. I'm writing for mine, and for Lalaith's.

I hope I am being clear. Varda's whole blog has taught me that things I say can and will be completely misunderstood. (I guess as long as she isn't praying for my death, I can deal with it though.) It isn't that I won't listen to your arguments, or consider what you have to say. I'm not saying that your words will never have an effect on me. Just that I honestly don't care if you hear all I have to say and think me (at best) wrong or (at worst) a liar.

I will continue to write. I will continue to post. And I will continue to take your words into consideration. But this journey is my own, and I will travel it as I see fit. You are welcome to come along for the ride...but I am undertaking my own liberty, not yours.

New Year Dawning

A new year has dawned. And for the first time in years, it seems likely to be a normal one. No cutting, no false friends, no giving up on motherhood, no court battles...just me, my husband, and my son, living life as we were meant to. And this is a great thing, or should be. The problem is, I don't know what to do with a normal year! Pain has been my only constant for so many years that I don't know what to do in its absence. And it is not as if the pain has just disappeared, anyway. My past has not been suddenly changed; all the pains, trials, heartaches, betrayals, and memories that have molded me into who I am today have not been forgotten. They have, however, been overshadowed: not replaced, but demoted. I have made new friends, new family, new joys, new memories. And for the first time since I can remember, these are the life events I am now free to enjoy, to savor, to remember. So what will a new, "normal" year bring? Something that, ironically, I never found in Christ: "life, and that more abundantly."

But it will bring that only if this present darkness takes its leave. I will fight for joy, for freedom, as long as I am able, but as I do not choose this darkness, so it does not listen to my pleas. I will admit that I am frightened. Pain and darkness have been too close my companions for far too long, and my all-too-brief stint of freedom makes me that much more loathe to have them return. But even as they start their inexorable slide back into my life, I have one thing to comfort me: hope. I now know that no matter how long or how deep this darkness binds me, one day I will be free again. One day I will look at the world in freedom. One day I will smile unfeigned and laugh unrestrained. That day was not today, but I have hope that it will be tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, the next day. And if not then, someday the sun WILL shine again.

I look at these two paragraphs I have written, and realize that at first glance they seem to say opposite things. The first one speaks of freedom, the second one of darkness. How can they both be true at once? But as you look closer, you start to see the darkness behind the first...darkness that has never truly left. I talk of freedom, and I mean what I say...I have been free these last few months. Compared to what my life has been before, I have been living in paradise! But even in the midst of all this sunshine and light, I have been aware of the darkness returning. For I've still had bad days, and as they come faster and closer together, I know I am descending into a darkness I'd rather not face. That is what you see in the second paragraph. But I do have hope, because I have tasted freedom and seen light, and while I know I cannot choose when I will return here, I know that I will, one day.

But for now, I will enjoy what light-filled days life brings me, and endure through the dark ones, knowing that one day I will again walk in sunshine.

Comment Response (I Think)

So how much faith does it take to be a Christian? The Bible talks of faith "smaller than a mustard seed," does it not? I consider myself an exChristian, because if the Bible were true, I would be "saved." A lot of people (most recently Varda) have tried to invalidate my rejection of Christianity on the basis that "I must have never been saved to begin with," therefore I have no understanding of what it is to be a Christian. I was merely pointing out that, having "called upon the name of the Lord" I should be saved. Or having accepted "the gift of God which is eternal life." Or having trusted that it was "not by works of righteousness which I have done, but according to his mercy, he saved me." (By the way, why am I the only one that has quoted Scripture thus far?) The way I have worded some things is, I think, what has caused Varda to believe that I was attempting to work for my salvation, so for that, I would have to apologize. Sorry, Varda. By the Bible's standards, however, I was a child of God, a born again believer. And while you are free to believe otherwise, I would just like to ask you then...are you God, to judge a person's heart? Certainly you can talk of "by your fruits you shall know them," but even given that, you cannot judge with certainty whether I was or was not saved. (In one sense, you might consider me still saved, as there is that whole "once saved, always saved" concept to consider.)

As for your other comment, I don't believe that mine is the only rational viewpoint. I think there are a lot of rational viewpoints out there, religious or otherwise. I (gently, hopefully) mocked some of Varda's viewpoints because, well, she isn't presenting them rationally. She is picking apart my posts, twisting them, and responding to "me" about things I haven't actually said or believe. I do believe that Christianity as a whole is untrue. I base that on my experience. But I will admit that, not having had your experience, I cannot fully argue the truth of Christianity for you. I'm not trying to argue the relativity of truth (which would be a discussion for another time entirely anyway), just saying that while I can, on one hand, emphatically state that the Bible is a lie, on the other hand, I realize that you (or at least Varda) would emphatically state that it is truth. I believe you are wrong, but you are correct in pointing out that it is a belief. However, it is a belief based on rational logic and facts. That is where Christianity breaks down. It asks you to believe a great number of opposite and illogical things, because God (according to the Bible) said so. I won't get into those now because I've pointed them out before. Anyway, there is a reason my belief system currently goes by the name "pragmatic agnosticism." You can google (or wikipedia) that if you wish, but basically it means that while I could be wrong about the existence of God (and therefore about the truth of the Bible and Christianity), given that God has made no clearly discernible difference in the world, it is a moot point. (Yes, I realize Christians would disagree about God making a difference. But for everything they would like to say God has done, I could point out a completely nonreligious explanation.)

I started this in the comments section but since it turned out so long I will just post it on the main page. As with yesterday, if I come back to this after actually having had that wondrous thing called sleep and grammatically or logically I've had issues, my apologies. And just in case you were wondering, yes, being illogically terrified of sleeping does indeed suck. (Although I'm not sure being illogically terrified of sleeping has much to do with the fact that I haven't slept, since even when I try to go to sleep it hasn't worked well.)

I just wanted to thank Varda for giving me a good chuckle and a few head shakings, and promise her I shall respond to at least some of her responses. It is hard when you spend a few months on a blog and someone decides to respond to it...and misunderstands and misrepresents every single post. I guess such is life, and Christianity. Rest assured, though, Varda, I will get back to you. In the meantime, though, check out this blog, written while I was a Christian (until last July of course, since that was when I left "the Faith") and answer me why I would ever go back to the life I lived then. Or why I would not do my best to snatch my friends from that bondage (and it is no less a bondage if you love your jailer).

One last thing before I go, one thing I had to respond to: you talk as though I (and Lalaith) were never Christians, that we never loved God, that we could never understand this mystical love relationship with him because we were never sincere. To put it most bluntly and shortly: you are dead wrong. I was a Christian. My faith (though sorely misplaced) was real. I believed the Bible, I believed in salvation, I "called upon the name of the Lord" and should have been "saved"...did such a thing as salvation exist. But, to be even more blunt, such a thing does not exist. I never had a relationship with God, never loved him as you think Christians ought to, because He doesn't exist either. I wanted to. I lived my life wondering why I didn't. I sought him earnestly, as the Bible said I ought to (which you referred to as "trying to earn salvation"...if obeying the Bible is trying to earn salvation then you're all screwed). I wasn't knocking faith as a concept in my post; I was pointing out that no matter how plainly I say it, firmly I believe it, or irrefutably I prove it, you (and most Christians) will never accept that truth, because you have "faith" that the opposite is true.

Anyway. That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I shall say more later, providing I'm awake and don't have other pressing business *cough cough World of Warcraft cough cough* to attend to.

I may come back and find all kinds of typos and spelling errors (like the fact that somehow i just tried to spell error "hours"); my excuse is that I've been up about 22 hours now (on 5 hours of interrupted sleep). Anyway. Catch you later.

You Are Not Persecuted

Christians like to talk of persecution. And I will admit, in some places Christians do face loss or even death for their beliefs. But American Christians like to say how they were persecuted for their faith the other day...when someone looked at them crosswise for bowing their head in public. Or when they were being loudmouthed about how gay people are such horrible sinners and someone told them they ought to practice love. In fact, it seems to me that the majority of this "persecution" American Christians (and I'd like to clarify: not all American Christians act this way. Just a great many.) like to tell each other about, is merely people expecting Christians to act according to their calling. That is not the worst of it, however. These same Christians engage in persecution of anyone they deem a "sinner." They wish to force their religious beliefs on those homosexuals who wish to make the ultimate commitment to each other. They call us blind, twisted, unable to love or find peace. I think they are the blind ones. Never in my life was I persecuted for being a Christian. I was persecuted, while a Christian, by Christians, for being a cutter. I was persecuted for sleeping with my fiance (and by persecution I do not mean getting kicked out of school. That was right, as we did violate the rules. I am referring to the ostracizing that they enforced on me after that. And if you do not believe me, I've kept all the emails.). And I have been persecuted ever since I rejected Christianity, with sincere Christians calling for all other sincere Christians to pray for my death. In case you are missing the irony here, let me spell it out for you. Those who are supposed to be the harbingers of eternal life, are calling for me to die. So, I do not wish to hear about your "persecution" because someone said calling a homosexual a "perverted faggot" was not very loving. You have nothing of which to complain.

To My Parents

I can see your pain

I know that it's there

I try to ignore it

But don't think I don't care

I know it has happened

The day that you feared

I dismissed all you taught me,

The way I was reared

I searched and found truth

You knew not you had lied

Now the look in your eyes is

As though someone has died

I wish I could save you

I would take all your tears

I'd take all your sorrows

And erase all your fears

But I can't close my eyes

I will not be deceived

So I let your tears fall

And your pain goes unrelieved

Perhaps one day you'll join me

One day you too will be free

But for now I still love you

And I know you still love me

Chain Gang

The difference between doing a good thing because you must and doing a good thing because it is a good thing is the difference between a chain gang* building a much-needed road and a group of volunteers building it. The good gets accomplished, but one group was forced into it, while the other group did it willingly. Which one, do you suppose, felt good about his work? Which one enjoyed it? I will give you a hint: it wasn't the chain gang. In the same way, I feel much better about doing good things now than I did when I was a Christian. Then, I had to do it, because my God demanded it. Now, I do it only because my conscience suggests it. And I feel good about my work in the same way a group of volunteers looks at their efforts and feels accomplished, while the chain gang says "well, that's one more hard labor completed, on to the next one." Sure, there might be the rare member of a chain gang who, even though forced into his work, feels a sense of pride and accomplishment in it, just as there would be members of the volunteers who felt pressured into helping. But those are the exception, not the rule. I could even point out, that even though the chain gang performed a good task, they are neither praised nor rewarded for it, by anyone. They are doing it as penance for the crimes they committed, or even merely because their warden demanded that they should. I can not help but see the similarities to Christianity there, as well; just replace "crimes they committed" with "inherent sin nature" and "warden" with "God." The volunteers saw a need, and filled it, and reap not only the reward their own conscience gives them, but also the esteem of their peers. Now tell me, which would you rather be, chain gang or volunteer?

*For any who might not know what a chain gang is, it is a group of prison inmates who, instead of sitting in a cell, are forced to work while they serve their term. They used to be (and I don't know how much chain gangs actually exist anymore) chained together in some sense while they worked, hence the term "chain gang."

Nothing to Prove

I have lost the need to write constantly about my decision to reject Christianity. I have nothing to prove. Christianity lives or dies by faith. Faith is not logical, it does not accept proof, or facts, or reason. It lives by its own rules and its own beliefs. So I can prove nothing to a Christian, unless they already have their own doubts. I may plant the seed that one day flourishes into doubt; I hope I do. But I will never be able to prove anything to people who, when faced with irrefutable truth, simply say, "I believe the opposite, because the Bible says so."

In another sense, though, I do not feel the need to write constantly about my own new beliefs and values. They are what they are, and I do not need validation from anyone, even those who agree with me, to hold them. That is the main reason I write less now. I am confident in my viewpoint in a way I never was with Christianity. Half of my writing for the last several years has been as much to convince me as anyone else that my faith was real. Because it was misplaced, I was fighting a losing battle, a battle I did eventually lose.

I am not perfect. I never was. But now I no longer have to strive for perfection. No one is going to say to me, "your ex-Christianity is not good enough," and if they did, I would laugh in their face most heartily. I do not think it is bad to write about these things, especially as I am doing it right now, but the reason I have not written nearly so much is that I have no need. I am complete in and of myself.

Freedom to Live

There are a lot more of us out there than one might think. By "us," I mean those who have questioned the Christianity we were raised with, and come out calling ourselves "ex-Christian." We have seen through the hypocrisy and the lies, we refuse to accept on blind faith the inconsistencies of our former religion.

But what do we do now? All change is difficult in some respect, however necessary it is. But when the change is as huge as this one, our lives are turned upside down. Christianity dominated our lives; we were taught to do everything as a Christian, even eat or drink. And so we ask, "if I remove Christianity, what do I have left? Will not my life be completely pointless?" Do not give in to those thoughts, seeker. That is what Christianity wants you to think. You can and ought to have a life free from the false constrictions of religion. Rejecting Christianity is not the death of your existence, but rather the birth. Christianity does not have a monopoly on joy, or happiness, or love, though it might think it does. Lalaith has found love apart from Christ. I still love and am loved. And we are both happier than we ever were while we held to a belief that punished us for everything from our doubts to our desires.

Ex-Christian is a daunting title. It means you must no longer rely on a faceless, formless God or his supposed Word for your direction. You are free to, and must, seek your own way. You now have both great freedom, and great responsibility. You are free to do as you choose, and to answer only to your own conscience, and that is great freedom indeed. But you can no longer say, "that is right (or wrong) because the Bible says so." You are the sole determination of your own morality, and that is a great responsibility. But that is not to say you must reject the morality of the Bible. Loving your neighbor is likely a good thing, and I daresay most would agree murder is still wrong. You can pick and choose what agrees with your conscience. In the end, you will not answer to God. You will answer to your own conscience and give account to yourself for how you lived your own life.

It is true, it is no use to wait for God to tell you what direction you should take in your life. So what direction do you want to take, seeker? What do you like to do, what calling do you desire? You can do anything you want, you know. Nothing is withheld from you. You are free to choose.

Do you see what I mean about this being a birth, new life? It is still daunting to completely discard everything your life has stood for until this point. It is even natural to feel a sense of loss. But do not wallow in that loss. Look forward to what you now possess. Relish your freedom, and do not waste too much time looking back, to what was. Look forward! See what new adventures are in store for you! You have new landscapes to explore, new treasures to seek. Your shackles have been broken! Go and be free!

Biography

A lifetime of pains and fears
Vanquished in an instant of truth
The fault was not in me
I did not lack for faith and hope
Though many told me so
The lack of love not mine but his
Sorrow his sole reward

He damned me for existence
For word, for thought, for smile
Deception of myself, I thought
Him happy, and I his child
I read his word, prayed for aid
And silence his sole reply

Forsaken, I struggled still
I sought to do his will
I fought and failed his love to win
Not knowing I'd been damned
I turned to friend and elder
To staunch the flow of doubts
"He sends this pain, but trust!"
They said. "His love is your sole need."

But then I really looked, and saw
My soul had been deceived
He said he was composed of love
But now I saw the lie
In all the years I wept and sought
He never showed his face
He showed not love to me
But cold indifference in my need

I reject thee, O Christ, O God, Jehovah
I name thee for what thou art
Deceiver, Liar, King of Hate
I shall never bow to thee again
Thou hast wasted my gift of years
And given nothing in return

So now I make my way alone
I have no guiding light
I search for truth, no more deceived
I now unweave the tangled web.

Biblical Rape

I've been reading a lot on the internet today. I started with this post. (Also, just fyi, Incongruous Circumspection is an awesome blog that you should read ALL of.) Then of course I went to the post he is referring to, here. I did manage to read it but apparently since then it's been taken down. If it was because it was a horrible post, then yay! If it's so they stop getting bashed on the web, I suppose that's understandable. Being a thorough type of gal I also looked at this one, this one, and also this one. Here is the part that has been causing such controversy:

A final aspect of rape that should be briefly mentioned is perhaps closer to home. Because we have forgotten the biblical concepts of true authority and submission, or more accurately, have rebelled against them, we have created a climate in which caricatures of authority and submission intrude upon our lives with violence.
When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts. This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed.
But we cannot make gravity disappear just because we dislike it, and in the same way we find that our banished authority and submission comes back to us in pathological forms. This is what lies behind sexual “bondage and submission games,” along with very common rape fantasies. Men dream of being rapists, and women find themselves wistfully reading novels in which someone ravishes the “soon to be made willing” heroine. Those who deny they have any need for water at all will soon find themselves lusting after polluted water, but water nonetheless.
True authority and true submission are therefore an erotic necessity. When authority is honored according to the word of God it serves and protects — and gives enormous pleasure. When it is denied, the result is not “no authority,” but an authority which devours. - Doug Wilson

Doug Wilson and I of course are going to disagree right off the bat because he believes in God and I do not. That isn't exactly what all the hullabaloo is about, though. The way this quote is worded could be (and has, all over the internet) taken as espousing marital rape. After all, the man "conquers" and the woman "surrenders." He has insisted that he is not espousing rape at all, and for now I will take his word for that. Of course, we have no word on if Wilson, like many patriarchal partisans, believes a man cannot rape his wife. It's not a very modern view. It's not a kind or loving view at all. It is, however, a biblical view. Granted, the same biblical view says that a woman cannot rape her husband either. Their bodies belong to each other, that view says, so they are only taking what is already there. Like I said, thought, we don't know if Doug Wilson believes that particularly revolting bit of the Bible or not. He certainly does believe that the woman must submit to the man in all things, including sex.

I am not really happy with it, but here it is

I finished it

I couldn't decide how to color it. So I didn't.

Colored pencil does not scan well

Allegory

Hark! A dream beheld!

A lone warrior standing against a menace dark
Flame spewing from its maw
Barely reflected by upraised shield
A claw reached out and tumbled
Sliced off by razor-sharp sword
Blood spurted, then quick as thought
The monster roared, whole once more

The battle raged, first monster, then warrior
Neither gaining victory, neither admitting defeat
I looked, and wondered, who could win?
But as I pondered further
The warrior faltered, and stumbled
Momentarily, and rose back to the fray
Movements slower than before
The monster pressed its advantage
But the warrior withstood its attacks still

But as I watched
A tendril, a thread, unseen by its target
Wormed its way into the warrior's mind
And began its slow poison drip

I awoke, but one last thing I saw...
"How long can I fight this? How long 'til I fall?"

Got a little lazy...oh well, bite me

Colored in Gimp

I drew this all by myself...in paint. Bow before me, mere mortals.

this is why I don't do Princesses

Royal Red (and violet)

Blue Star

In Brown

Star Light, Star Bright...

Pale

Flower

Encircled

Entwined

this one is my favorite

Thing Two

Thing Three

Blue Square, Ish

Thing One

A New Synopsis

I did not come to this conclusion with rejoicing. I came to it with fear, with sorrow and tears. I wanted to believe. I wanted to ignore the lies, close my eyes to the failure of my faith. I could not.

I could not go on believing. Some people have the faith, the perseverance to continue through years of doubt, and come out stronger. I am not among their number. I blamed my sorrow on my past, and what remained, on my actions. I earnestly searched for God, and when he was not found, I bore the shame of a failed relationship. For God is perfect, I was told, any fault must be in me. It drove me down deeper into the shame that was my life. My past created the shame (though it should not have); failure to please my Deity drove it deeper. I went to counselor after counselor, my shame too deep for friends to hear. Their advice, though varied and well-meaning, only made the message clearer: if a fault existed between me and my God, I was the only one to blame. I believed them. But I could not find him. I searched. I grew weary and walked away and came back to search some more. Sometimes I convinced myself I had found him, but always I grew discouraged for lack of a response. But then…

I stopped.

I asked why a God who loves had allowed my past. I asked how a God who controls offers free will. I asked all the questions with no answers…and found I had no more faith to cover the flaws. I mourned what happened to me, the loss of faith stripped me of the last of my innocence. I could no longer hide in “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” But what happens now, now that I have no faith to cover me, no Rock to lean my convictions upon? Now I must make my way alone. Now I must make my own standard, now I must choose my own way. People speak of faith being hard; ha! Faith was easy compared to this. What is right? And what is wrong? And why?

So now what? What do I believe now, now that faith has departed? I believe that there is a God; at least, I believe there is a force that either created this world or set evolution in motion. Or perhaps formed our existence another way altogether. I believe the Bible is a work of fiction, written and preserved by man. I do not believe in Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, or any other religion of the world. I make my own way. I pull from Christianity that which I think good. Perhaps I shall do the same for the rest. I live life as I have always done, within the confines of that which my conscience currently calls good. When I carved my own flesh, I thought that good (although now I feel it was wrong. But who can say? I survived when I might have died). When I followed Christ, I thought that right. What I believe is right may change tomorrow, or next year. Few things are constant, and though I live mainly by logic, I would be the first to say that logic changes. What is reasonable now may not be later.

I realize that I have said much of this before. I will probably write something similar in the future. But each new writing reveals (to me as well as to you) a new facet of my beliefs as they evolve. And now I must ask you something. My conscience does not let me stand idle as others are held in a trap of lies. What is your faith based on? How do you answer the unanswerable questions? Do you even know what they are? How do you rejoice in a God who is with you through trials when you believe he created those trials? Why do you believe?

Why I Have Issues with God (In Part)

The reason God and I have issues is not that his children have a stunning inability to live up to their name. While that sucks, they are after all, only human. No, God and I have issues because of his unwillingness or inability to aid me at any point in my life. I can't say I've always been wholehearted in searching for him, but I don't think that matters. If that were a requirement, no one would qualify. Again, that whole human thing. Of course, it isn't a given that anyone does qualify. I know too many people who have deluded themselves (case in point: inlaws) into thinking God is leading them when, if he is who they say he is, he would never do any such thing. Who is to say that those who truly believe that they have a relationship with God are not laboring under a similar delusion?

But as for God...in my view, he is either impotent or at best, a liar. I don't deny that he may have done good things. After all, Earth is a pretty sweet place to live. I too have done good things, however. That doesn't make either one of us actually good. Why should I believe God is good? Because I am yet alive? Because I have a loving family? At times I would rather have been dead. And my husband loves me of his own free will, and my son was born of sin. Should I believe God is good because he let an eight year old girl be sexually violated by her brother? Should I thank him that I bore blame for my innocence? Should I believe that his absence from my entire life was an aspect of his goodness? What do you think I am, crazy?

On a Pastoral Encounter

Pastor Loggans asked a lot of questions today, and sadly, I can't remember them all. But what do I believe about God? Is he powerless? I don't think I believe that because if I did I wouldn't be so mad at him for what happened. But do I believe he even exists? I don't see a reason to. I think my mind has been thinking that because I reject evolution I have to believe there is a God. I am starting to believe he doesn't exist at all. The world is a whole lot easier to understand if you aren't trying to justify some good god. There is no good god. He isn't letting bad things happen, because he doesn't even exist.
But do I really believe that? I think I wish that I did believe it more than anything. But I think my Baptist upbringing has spoiled me for any true atheism. No, here is what I do and do not believe, as of right now anyway:
I believe that God is.
I believe that God created the world, or at least set evolution in motion (my objection to theistic evolution, besides lack of proof, has always been the "death before sin" part).
I do not believe that man is inherently evil.
I do not believe that God is inherently good.
I do not believe that God is worthy of worship because he created any more than I am because I gave birth.
I believe that man acts as he does out of his heart, which is why there is both great evil and great good in the world.
I do not believe God gives strength or power to humans.
I do not believe "for his glory" is an acceptable reason for God to initiate or allow evil to happen to the innocent.
I believe "free will" is a Christian cop-out. According to your Bible, God can and will override free will when it pleases him.
I believe that if God was truly opposed to "sin" and evil he would eradicate them. He allowed and causes them to flourish.
This is not an exhaustive or comprehensive list, and it is subject to change at any moment. It is more of a work in progress. But here it is for now. I am sure there will be more later.

How Dare You?

I have discovered a paradox. It is not a recent discovery, although I am just sitting down to write about it. The paradox is this: people complain about the masks that some of us wear. They want us to open up, to show more of our true selves, to reveal what we truly think. But if or when we do so, we are called emo or whiny or just ignored. Why do you think we were wearing a mask to begin with? The only thing worse than feeling pain is sharing that pain and having it mocked or ignored or belittled. So what are we supposed to do? We desperately want to be known, but if being known only brings more pain, how should we react then?
The worst part of this conundrum? Although heathens do this as well, everything I've said is something Christians engage in frequently. You, who are supposed to share Christ's love, mock and ridicule those who need that love the most. How dare you? How dare you make his love exclusive? How dare you misrepresent his caring? How dare you forget the very meaning of your name? Did Christ come to cure only your pain? Did he come to heal only your broken heart? Is his grace only enough for your need? How dare you do nothing? You have left Christ broken, and friendless, and hurting, in deepest darkness, because you have done it "to the least of these."

Family

Family is a strange and nebulous thing. Recent events have really brought that home to me. For one thing, having to fight for custody of my own son has shown me how much I truly love him. While I was considering giving him up for adoption, having that choice threatened made me think a whole lot harder. And I realized I won't be a perfect mother. I probably won't even be in the high end of the "good" roster. But I am the best person to raise my son because I am his mother and I love him.
There are more family elements to this equation, however. Because the people trying to take my son away are also family. And while they are incredibly stubborn and pigheaded sometimes, I ought to love them. I struggle with that. If anybody else did and said the same things they do, I would hate them forever. I might even take legal action. And no matter that they have taken legal action, I can be better than that. I am better than that.
So, family. Family is forever (or at least until death). So I guess I will do my best to love, even those who don't deserve it.