I don't think hell exists. I think the concept is entirely at odds with the concept of a good God, and if God is not good, he doesn't exist in the form the Bible says he does and if he doesn't exist, it stands to reason hell doesn't exist either. After all, people have seen the light in near-death experiences, but I haven't heard of anybody feeling the flames.
I don't think heaven exists, either, but I'm actually far more afraid of being wrong about that. As humans, we do tend to have an inherent fear of dying. The solution to that seems to be the ability to live forever, but is that truly what we want? I know people who look forward to heaven as an extension of their lifelong love of learning. And while that's cool and I would love to learn everything there is to know about the universe, what happens after that? It might take a million years to learn everything (and if you managed that, wouldn't you be at least a lowercase god?), but what will you do in the million million million years after that?
The most spiritual of Christians (or at least the ones who want to appear so) tend to answer that with "you'll be praising God for all eternity." Leaving out what size ego God must have to need even a fraction of the 7 billion people currently living (forgetting all who've lived or will live) telling him how good he is constantly for eternity...is that really what you want? If so, why aren't you in church 24/7?
Anyway. The idea of eternity is terrifying to me. Even if I had the most perfect life, I wouldn't want to have it forever. No, the certainty that life ends is much more hopeful to me than the idea that it might continue indefinitely.
Showing posts with label Half Untwisted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Half Untwisted. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Saturday, March 1, 2014
"How Great Thou Art"
Oh blade my god
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The pains thy edge has soothed
I see the scars
I watch the blood flow quickly
Thy pow'r throughout
My heart and soul displayed
Then sings my soul
Oh blade, my god, to thee
How great thou art
How great thou art
Then sings my soul
Oh blade, my god, to thee
How great thou art
How great thou art!
Friday, September 13, 2013
You Wouldn't Tell a Child
You wouldn't tell a child that he was worthless, that he was inherently flawed, that nothing he could ever do would ever measure up to your standards. You wouldn't tell him that he could only find purpose in life by striving to follow every last one of your wishes, no matter how impossible they were. You wouldn't compare his temper tantrum to a serial killer's murder. You wouldn't tell a child that he was incapable of loving someone else without your help, that every last decision he ever made should be checked with you first. You wouldn't tell a child that if he rejected you that he deserved to die. You wouldn't tell a child any of these things.
So then if we are God's children, why are these the things he tells us?
So then if we are God's children, why are these the things he tells us?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Life is a Wondrous Thing
A while back one of my friends posted on Facebook about how much she was looking forward to Heaven and that this life is just preparation for that one, a poor foreshadowing of what is to come. I took exception to that and we had a brief discussion. She, understandably, looked at my life and wondered how in the world I was content with it, how I could possibly say that this life is glorious and wonderful and I have no need for Heaven. It is a fair question, wouldn't you say?
So ever since then, I have had this idea knocking about in my head. You all know that I know all too well the darker side of life. I am overly familiar with pain and heartache, and loss and tears. But just because I live in the dark does not mean the light any less beautiful, or amazing, or wonderful. I live in the dark through a series of choices, both mine and others', and because my brain has forgotten how to be happy for more than brief moments. But does my experience with life make life any less wonderful? Do my tears make the sun shine less brightly? Does my pain prevent the world from singing? Do the shadows in my head make the waterfalls cease and the streams dry up? If I am sad is the whole world sad?
The answer to those questions, obviously, is no. Just because sometimes life sucks for me, doesn't mean life is sucky. But this is broad, and vague. It still doesn't explain why I, myself, do not long for a heaven, or why I myself am content to live this life. And here's the thing. I know why my life is the way it is. And I also know that there are things that could be done to help bring me out of the dark and into the light. And some of those things I try to do, and some I am not able to do at this point. But I know that even for me, life can be wonderful. Indeed, even for me, life IS wonderful...even in the midst of my pain.
So ever since then, I have had this idea knocking about in my head. You all know that I know all too well the darker side of life. I am overly familiar with pain and heartache, and loss and tears. But just because I live in the dark does not mean the light any less beautiful, or amazing, or wonderful. I live in the dark through a series of choices, both mine and others', and because my brain has forgotten how to be happy for more than brief moments. But does my experience with life make life any less wonderful? Do my tears make the sun shine less brightly? Does my pain prevent the world from singing? Do the shadows in my head make the waterfalls cease and the streams dry up? If I am sad is the whole world sad?
The answer to those questions, obviously, is no. Just because sometimes life sucks for me, doesn't mean life is sucky. But this is broad, and vague. It still doesn't explain why I, myself, do not long for a heaven, or why I myself am content to live this life. And here's the thing. I know why my life is the way it is. And I also know that there are things that could be done to help bring me out of the dark and into the light. And some of those things I try to do, and some I am not able to do at this point. But I know that even for me, life can be wonderful. Indeed, even for me, life IS wonderful...even in the midst of my pain.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
You Would Have Me Believe
You would have me believe that what I grew up believing was the truth, and that the truths I now believe are a lie. But what does that mean, exactly? It means that, if the Bible is true, I was never a Christian, no matter how much I thought I was. If some are to be believed, I am a goat among the sheep, doomed to stand at Christ's left hand and be cast into hellfire and brimstone forever. If I was not saved, all those years I earnestly sought God's face, it stands to reason I shall not become saved if I turn to seek his face once more. You would have me believe the truth of your religion, not to convert me, but to have me live the rest of my life knowing I am doomed to eternal punishment. You would have me believe that the only eternal life I can look forward to is one lived in a lake of fire and brimstone. You would have me believe that this is just, that a holy God demands that some be punished while some go free. I would have thought a holy God would demand that all be punished, or if a way to freedom was provided, that all his beloved creations go free. That is not the way of it, according to your Bible. It would have me believe that even though I willingly came to drink of the waters of eternal life, I am yet forever damned. Even though I called my God "Lord, Lord," he would still cast me out. Even though I came to him earnestly and sought him fervently, he would still say to me, "Depart from me into everlasting darkness. I never knew you."
This is what you would have me believe. This is what you seek so earnestly to convince me of.
This is what you would have me believe. This is what you seek so earnestly to convince me of.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Memory Verses
I used to be the queen of verse memorization. Well, memorizing anything really, and as a young Baptist, that meant verses. Because, you know, having memorized every verse in the Bible on prayer, for instance, shows that I am a great Prayer Warrior, right? Heh heh. So anyway, having come across a nostalgic 1.5 inch or so stack of 3x5 cards inscribed with these verses, I'm sharing them with you. With commentary. And possibly snark. Because, after all, I'm the queen of snark, too.Warning: in case you hadn't yet figured it out, I'm not applying logic, emotion, or anything else to these verses. I'm making fun of them. Scoffing, if you will. So before you reply, if you happen to be a Christian, think about Proverbs 9:7. Also, if you feel like calling me foolish (and don't deny that you do), consider Proverbs 26:4-5. Ignore any lack of inherent logic in that passage, because of course, it's the Bible, and therefore it is true even if it states two opposite things right after each other.
"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men." Acts 24:16. Wow, I thought that was impossible, to have a conscience void of offence toward God, since God is, you know, the pinnacle of holiness and the fact that we have a sin nature is an offense to that holiness. You know, despite that fact that we can't help having a sin nature. And that he tells us to be holy anyway. Despite that.
"They that forsake the law praise the wicked: but such as keep the law contend with them." Proverbs 28:4. Oh, I guess you SHOULD argue with me, then. No wait, answer me not. No wait, answer me. Or you could just wallow in confusion, that'd probably be best. No, no, hush, don't talk, you're confuzzled.
"By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous." I John 5:2-3. Oh, so we don't love God if we don't keep his commandments. Let's see, here's an easy one: don't commit adultery. Okay, got it, that one is easy. Oh wait "he that looks on a woman with lust has committed adultery with her in his heart." So basically, anyone who has ever been a teenage male (or female) is screwed. Although not literally, just in his heart. The heart that is, you know, deceitful above all things and desperately wicked and therefore not really capable of keeping ANY of God's commandments. So in reality, nobody has ever loved God. And it is of course in no way a grievous thing to deny your body what its built in hormone system (excuse me, God-given hormone system) demands. Nope, not at all. Easiest thing in the world, really.
"A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; but the simple pass on, and are punished." Proverbs 27:12. There isn't actually anything to argue with here, I don't think. Keep your eyes open and your head up, idiots. Man I love proverbs.
"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I." Romans 7:15.
"Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me." Romans 7:17.
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." Romans 7:18-19.
"I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." Romans 7:21. Welcome to Romans 7, the Schizophrenia passage. Prisoner at the bar: "No, no, your honor, I didn't do that, that was my 'sin nature.' I can't help it, really I can't, your honor." Judge: "I know you can't, but too bad! You're condemned to death anyway!" Prisoner at the bar: "But I'm actually a good person, your honor, I have God living inside me, I can't be condemned even if I sin because I don't really want to sin, your honor. I just do it anyway." Judge: "Wait, so you're telling me that you've got both God and sin living inside you? How does that make sense?" Prisoner at the bar: "Well it doesn't really, your honor, but God says it is true, so it must be." I'm sorry, in what universe besides the Bible would that actually make sense? Oh, right, it wouldn't.
"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." You know, it's no wonder that God didn't have a problem with slavery (well, he did, if the slave was Jewish, you had to set it free eventually. Otherwise, it was yours to keep). After all, we are all slaves to him, he owns us, body and soul, according to him. Unless you look at other verses, of course. Then you get things like "if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." Because being owned body and soul means you're free, of course.
"You have a choice. You have been given the ability and free will to choose who and what will be the king in your life. You choose who and what will be in control. You choose who and what you will obey. You choose to whom and to what you will yield. You choose who and what will dominate your life. You choose to please God or please self." Rand Hummel, Lest You Fall. I'm sorry, Rand, but have you read the Schizophrenia Passage lately? Because I just did and I'm positive it says that in fact, we don't get to choose, we're going to sin whether we like it or not. And if we don't like it, really we don't get to please God OR self, which seems kind of unfair to me. If I'm going to sin, SOMEBODY might as well enjoy it, right?
"Give unto the Lord the glory due his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." I Chronicles 16:29. Yep, holiness. You heard him. What do you mean you can't be holy? God told you to be holy, therefore you had better be holy, bro. God doesn't care if you have a sin nature that you were born with, you had better be holy or he's gonna take you out. For his glory, of course.
"For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men*, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world." Titus 2:11-12. You're really starting to contradict yourself here, Paul my buddy. Is it possible to deny ungodliness/our sin nature, or isn't it? And how, really, does a human being live godly? Because the last time I checked, I didn't know everything and I certainly wasn't all-powerful or outside time itself. Let me check again. ... Nope, still not godly. Or were you talking about the "inward man"? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect or loving or kind or any of that, at least not on a godlike scale. So, you're just calling us to do something that's impossible. Jerk.
*the elect. Duh. Obviously God hasn't given his grace to "all men," that would be like, so totally stupid. Why would God want EVERYONE to be saved when he could send SOME of them to hell without even a chance at grace? That would be, like, so totally unholy of him.
"But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition." I Timothy 6:9.Remember, children, money is evil. Give it to the church, they won't be corrupted by such things, let them handle the evil money for you.
"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts." Ephesians 4:22. Um, Paul, buddy, pal, friend. You just got done telling our good friends the Romans all about how you (the man who is, according to yourself, like, the best Christian ever) can't even do this. Or maybe the church at Ephesus had some special "freeing themselves from their sin nature" super power that neither you nor the Romans had? If so, I'm jealous and why didn't they share? No fair, man, no fair.
"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof." Romans 6:12. Jlkjasdfhoiqwrbmmn. Let's have a contest! It's called "See how many times Paul can contradict himself in the New Testament." Ready? Go!!
"He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32. So, I've been informed by reputable and trustworthy sources* that this is NOT, in fact, human sacrifice, because Christ was actually God. But he was still human. Is there a special word for sacrificing some that is both God and human? Goman sacrifice? Humod sacrifice? The point here is that somehow killing something innocent makes up for murder, you know, YOU killing something innocent.
*the Internet. Also preachers and other various and assorted Christians.
"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men." Acts 24:16. Wow, I thought that was impossible, to have a conscience void of offence toward God, since God is, you know, the pinnacle of holiness and the fact that we have a sin nature is an offense to that holiness. You know, despite that fact that we can't help having a sin nature. And that he tells us to be holy anyway. Despite that.
"They that forsake the law praise the wicked: but such as keep the law contend with them." Proverbs 28:4. Oh, I guess you SHOULD argue with me, then. No wait, answer me not. No wait, answer me. Or you could just wallow in confusion, that'd probably be best. No, no, hush, don't talk, you're confuzzled.
"By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous." I John 5:2-3. Oh, so we don't love God if we don't keep his commandments. Let's see, here's an easy one: don't commit adultery. Okay, got it, that one is easy. Oh wait "he that looks on a woman with lust has committed adultery with her in his heart." So basically, anyone who has ever been a teenage male (or female) is screwed. Although not literally, just in his heart. The heart that is, you know, deceitful above all things and desperately wicked and therefore not really capable of keeping ANY of God's commandments. So in reality, nobody has ever loved God. And it is of course in no way a grievous thing to deny your body what its built in hormone system (excuse me, God-given hormone system) demands. Nope, not at all. Easiest thing in the world, really.
"A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; but the simple pass on, and are punished." Proverbs 27:12. There isn't actually anything to argue with here, I don't think. Keep your eyes open and your head up, idiots. Man I love proverbs.
"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I." Romans 7:15.
"Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me." Romans 7:17.
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." Romans 7:18-19.
"I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." Romans 7:21. Welcome to Romans 7, the Schizophrenia passage. Prisoner at the bar: "No, no, your honor, I didn't do that, that was my 'sin nature.' I can't help it, really I can't, your honor." Judge: "I know you can't, but too bad! You're condemned to death anyway!" Prisoner at the bar: "But I'm actually a good person, your honor, I have God living inside me, I can't be condemned even if I sin because I don't really want to sin, your honor. I just do it anyway." Judge: "Wait, so you're telling me that you've got both God and sin living inside you? How does that make sense?" Prisoner at the bar: "Well it doesn't really, your honor, but God says it is true, so it must be." I'm sorry, in what universe besides the Bible would that actually make sense? Oh, right, it wouldn't.
"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." You know, it's no wonder that God didn't have a problem with slavery (well, he did, if the slave was Jewish, you had to set it free eventually. Otherwise, it was yours to keep). After all, we are all slaves to him, he owns us, body and soul, according to him. Unless you look at other verses, of course. Then you get things like "if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." Because being owned body and soul means you're free, of course.
"You have a choice. You have been given the ability and free will to choose who and what will be the king in your life. You choose who and what will be in control. You choose who and what you will obey. You choose to whom and to what you will yield. You choose who and what will dominate your life. You choose to please God or please self." Rand Hummel, Lest You Fall. I'm sorry, Rand, but have you read the Schizophrenia Passage lately? Because I just did and I'm positive it says that in fact, we don't get to choose, we're going to sin whether we like it or not. And if we don't like it, really we don't get to please God OR self, which seems kind of unfair to me. If I'm going to sin, SOMEBODY might as well enjoy it, right?
"Give unto the Lord the glory due his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." I Chronicles 16:29. Yep, holiness. You heard him. What do you mean you can't be holy? God told you to be holy, therefore you had better be holy, bro. God doesn't care if you have a sin nature that you were born with, you had better be holy or he's gonna take you out. For his glory, of course.
"For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men*, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world." Titus 2:11-12. You're really starting to contradict yourself here, Paul my buddy. Is it possible to deny ungodliness/our sin nature, or isn't it? And how, really, does a human being live godly? Because the last time I checked, I didn't know everything and I certainly wasn't all-powerful or outside time itself. Let me check again. ... Nope, still not godly. Or were you talking about the "inward man"? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect or loving or kind or any of that, at least not on a godlike scale. So, you're just calling us to do something that's impossible. Jerk.
*the elect. Duh. Obviously God hasn't given his grace to "all men," that would be like, so totally stupid. Why would God want EVERYONE to be saved when he could send SOME of them to hell without even a chance at grace? That would be, like, so totally unholy of him.
"But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition." I Timothy 6:9.Remember, children, money is evil. Give it to the church, they won't be corrupted by such things, let them handle the evil money for you.
"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts." Ephesians 4:22. Um, Paul, buddy, pal, friend. You just got done telling our good friends the Romans all about how you (the man who is, according to yourself, like, the best Christian ever) can't even do this. Or maybe the church at Ephesus had some special "freeing themselves from their sin nature" super power that neither you nor the Romans had? If so, I'm jealous and why didn't they share? No fair, man, no fair.
"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof." Romans 6:12. Jlkjasdfhoiqwrbmmn. Let's have a contest! It's called "See how many times Paul can contradict himself in the New Testament." Ready? Go!!
"He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32. So, I've been informed by reputable and trustworthy sources* that this is NOT, in fact, human sacrifice, because Christ was actually God. But he was still human. Is there a special word for sacrificing some that is both God and human? Goman sacrifice? Humod sacrifice? The point here is that somehow killing something innocent makes up for murder, you know, YOU killing something innocent.
*the Internet. Also preachers and other various and assorted Christians.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
More Questions and Heartcries, Both Unanswered
The word apostate is defined this way: a person who abandons his
It is intriguing that we don't tell a Muslim he was never a Muslim when he converts to Christianity. Nor a Buddhist for that matter. We don't tell an atheist when he is converted that his atheism was never sincere. So it is intriguing, for a religion that makes such a big deal out of pointing out that only their deity can read hearts and minds, that Christians are so very adamant that Lalaith and I were never saved.
Why do I keep bringing this up? Well, mostly because other people do. They seek to discredit my views, not by answering the questions or discoveries I set forth, but by attacking me. For it is a personal attack. They attack my memories, they attack the sincerity of my conversion, they attack the sanity of my mind. So while it makes no difference to the validity of my arguments whether I was truly a Christian, or whether I was deceived into believing I was (and if there were a God as they claim, what kind of horrible Being lets someone believe they are "saved" when they are not?), I would really prefer these personal attacks stop. Yes, I'm aware that they might not mean these attacks personally, but whatever their intentions, ad hominem attacks are never right.
2008
"Why, God? Why don't you care about me? ...you say you love me, don't you? Like a shepherd, or a father, you're supposed to care about me. So why don't you?"
"And when can I blame sin on anyone but myself, God? ...I will stand before you by myself; I will have to admit to all my sins by myself; I will have to answer the questions of the most righteous judge completely by myself. I cannot hide;everything will be revealed."
"I was lonely then, God. And because I was lonely, I became bitter. Bitterness turned to hate, and I hated. I hated my parents, I hated my church, my classmates, and most of all, God, I hated you. There was no excuse, God, and when you ask me why on that Day, I will be unable to give any other answer than, 'I didn't think you knew what you were doing.'"
"One who has stood a few hours from death, from eternity, as I have - how can I fear the little fears of life? The fears that I will do or say the wrong thing, or run out of money, or be in an accident - all the petty fears of who who has never faced true fear - how can I fear those? Your grace kept me from death when I was 16 - will it not keep me from all these other things as well?"
"Fill me with love, God. Help me to remember that the sole reason for my existence is your glory. Soli deo gloria - So be it."
2009
from a counselor to me: "Have you ever considered that maybe God allows certain temptations so that we will depend upon Him. Without these battles, we don't need Him....Perhaps God is more glorified when we battle often and repeatedly."
"So where do I start, God? I was ready to kill myself, God. I really was. Honestly, God, life scares me...When did I decide I couldn't cope with the normal aspects of life? Because I'm not stupid, God. I know that I will always struggle with sin; if not this one, then another one." early 2009 I nearly killed myself over a sin that I could never overcome. I had been struggling over a year at that point. To put it bluntly: I was ready to kill myself because I could not face my God or my own heart while continuing to commit a sin he gave me no strength to conquer.
"Bottom line: I know that God loves me, and is doing what is best for me. I don't understand, and I'll probably go through a lot of hurt and hurt some other people before this is over, but I have to remember that God is the one in ultimate control of my life. I have to remember that he loves me. If not - life is not worth living."
this has nothing to do with God...just friendship. And pain. Pain that he did nothing to alleviate. So maybe it does have to do with him after all. "B'n'K...well, I have the feeling they won't [leave me] either. And that makes me glad, but it also saddens me. Because I will rip their hearts out. Even if I do not do what I am now again considering doing, I will hurt them eventually. It is inevitable. And I know that hurt is the price of friendship, the price of love; we are, after all, human."
"So many emotions, so much going on - I can't handle it all, I will explode. And yet - I must learn to handle it, because this is life. It will never change; I must learn to change, to adapt, or to be crushed under the pressure."
"I need...God. Oh, yes! I will admit it, freely! I have never denied it! I need the Almighty King who created my soul - and the void within. I need the gentle Healer who caused the lame to walk and the blind to see. But...and there is always a but when dealing with God...I do not need the One who is never satisfied, who demands perfection out of imperfection, who commands the impossible yet offers no chance of obedience. Him, I do not need. And He is the one who has broken my heart more than once, and I don't mean over sin. Where was he when I needed him? Sure, he wants me back now, he calls to me, he pulls at my heart. And my heart was designed to answer that pull - yet, I refuse to. I will not. I am afraid of the pain. The impossibility of serving God drove me to the edge, and almost over, once already."
2010
"God loved me...even when I was a child of darkness and wrath. He saved me and made me alive in Christ, by grace. He loves me! Even with all I have done, how many times I've rejected him...he still loves me."
"God intends for everyone...to be one in Christ...Only he can bring peace to the ever-raging conflict in my heart and mind. And he's winning now, will the conflict be resolved?"
"What else should I do? Let these tears fall? Ask God why? Trust me, I do. Continuously. Hasn't been an answer yet, to the pain or the desire. Will there ever be? With every passing day, I doubt more and more. Give me a reason to trust, God. Tell me...that it will all be okay. Hold me close, wrap me in your arms...except you're a freaking spirit! You don't have arms. Stupid Katy. And now the tear drops do start. Because there are no arms. There are never arms. Now, as always, I cry alone."
from a pastor to me: "Nobody serves God out of love; you should serve him out of fear of punishment and desire for reward." Trust me, I shook my head at that just as much as you are doing right now.
"God, if you care, give me strength for the coming days and trials. And give me more love for you."
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"
"His grace alone has brought me 70 days."
"It is ironic that the quiet contemplation that makes me long for you is the same frame of mind where thoughts of blade and blood are likely to grow. Indeed, those thoughts are stronger tonight than they have been for a while, and yet...they are not strong. And that, my Father God, is your grace. Thank you."
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit set me free from the law of sin and death."
"God, you cannot let the darkness overtake me! It must not happen! Protect me, my Father. Shelter me, be my rock and strong tower. I need you. I am terrified, Father God. I am scared out of my mind. Keep me from the blade and the dark...I cannot be bound by those chains again. I must not!"
"And yet the darkness threatens to engulf me. WHY?? It doesn't make sense. I don't choose this! I don't desire this! And yet...ah! And yet, I do. No! I can't. So much battle inside. Except the darkness doesn't fight. It creeps along, and then it engulfs, and when it has, I will no longer fight. And I can't go there! I can't afford a stay in hell, in darkness and in flames."
"Father God...if I am to fight the darkness, I need you. I don't even want to fight, but you have to convince me that I must."
And to wrap up, I'll leave you with a poem, one I wrote just six days before my wedding to the Love of my life. I was so terrified, so scared...I so badly needed the help of the God I called "Father." And yet, then as always, he left me to fight and bleed alone. "I Don't Choose This."
It is intriguing that we don't tell a Muslim he was never a Muslim when he converts to Christianity. Nor a Buddhist for that matter. We don't tell an atheist when he is converted that his atheism was never sincere. So it is intriguing, for a religion that makes such a big deal out of pointing out that only their deity can read hearts and minds, that Christians are so very adamant that Lalaith and I were never saved.
Why do I keep bringing this up? Well, mostly because other people do. They seek to discredit my views, not by answering the questions or discoveries I set forth, but by attacking me. For it is a personal attack. They attack my memories, they attack the sincerity of my conversion, they attack the sanity of my mind. So while it makes no difference to the validity of my arguments whether I was truly a Christian, or whether I was deceived into believing I was (and if there were a God as they claim, what kind of horrible Being lets someone believe they are "saved" when they are not?), I would really prefer these personal attacks stop. Yes, I'm aware that they might not mean these attacks personally, but whatever their intentions, ad hominem attacks are never right.
2008
"Why, God? Why don't you care about me? ...you say you love me, don't you? Like a shepherd, or a father, you're supposed to care about me. So why don't you?"
"And when can I blame sin on anyone but myself, God? ...I will stand before you by myself; I will have to admit to all my sins by myself; I will have to answer the questions of the most righteous judge completely by myself. I cannot hide;everything will be revealed."
"I was lonely then, God. And because I was lonely, I became bitter. Bitterness turned to hate, and I hated. I hated my parents, I hated my church, my classmates, and most of all, God, I hated you. There was no excuse, God, and when you ask me why on that Day, I will be unable to give any other answer than, 'I didn't think you knew what you were doing.'"
"One who has stood a few hours from death, from eternity, as I have - how can I fear the little fears of life? The fears that I will do or say the wrong thing, or run out of money, or be in an accident - all the petty fears of who who has never faced true fear - how can I fear those? Your grace kept me from death when I was 16 - will it not keep me from all these other things as well?"
"Fill me with love, God. Help me to remember that the sole reason for my existence is your glory. Soli deo gloria - So be it."
2009
from a counselor to me: "Have you ever considered that maybe God allows certain temptations so that we will depend upon Him. Without these battles, we don't need Him....Perhaps God is more glorified when we battle often and repeatedly."
"So where do I start, God? I was ready to kill myself, God. I really was. Honestly, God, life scares me...When did I decide I couldn't cope with the normal aspects of life? Because I'm not stupid, God. I know that I will always struggle with sin; if not this one, then another one." early 2009 I nearly killed myself over a sin that I could never overcome. I had been struggling over a year at that point. To put it bluntly: I was ready to kill myself because I could not face my God or my own heart while continuing to commit a sin he gave me no strength to conquer.
"Bottom line: I know that God loves me, and is doing what is best for me. I don't understand, and I'll probably go through a lot of hurt and hurt some other people before this is over, but I have to remember that God is the one in ultimate control of my life. I have to remember that he loves me. If not - life is not worth living."
this has nothing to do with God...just friendship. And pain. Pain that he did nothing to alleviate. So maybe it does have to do with him after all. "B'n'K...well, I have the feeling they won't [leave me] either. And that makes me glad, but it also saddens me. Because I will rip their hearts out. Even if I do not do what I am now again considering doing, I will hurt them eventually. It is inevitable. And I know that hurt is the price of friendship, the price of love; we are, after all, human."
"So many emotions, so much going on - I can't handle it all, I will explode. And yet - I must learn to handle it, because this is life. It will never change; I must learn to change, to adapt, or to be crushed under the pressure."
"I need...God. Oh, yes! I will admit it, freely! I have never denied it! I need the Almighty King who created my soul - and the void within. I need the gentle Healer who caused the lame to walk and the blind to see. But...and there is always a but when dealing with God...I do not need the One who is never satisfied, who demands perfection out of imperfection, who commands the impossible yet offers no chance of obedience. Him, I do not need. And He is the one who has broken my heart more than once, and I don't mean over sin. Where was he when I needed him? Sure, he wants me back now, he calls to me, he pulls at my heart. And my heart was designed to answer that pull - yet, I refuse to. I will not. I am afraid of the pain. The impossibility of serving God drove me to the edge, and almost over, once already."
2010
"God loved me...even when I was a child of darkness and wrath. He saved me and made me alive in Christ, by grace. He loves me! Even with all I have done, how many times I've rejected him...he still loves me."
"God intends for everyone...to be one in Christ...Only he can bring peace to the ever-raging conflict in my heart and mind. And he's winning now, will the conflict be resolved?"
"What else should I do? Let these tears fall? Ask God why? Trust me, I do. Continuously. Hasn't been an answer yet, to the pain or the desire. Will there ever be? With every passing day, I doubt more and more. Give me a reason to trust, God. Tell me...that it will all be okay. Hold me close, wrap me in your arms...except you're a freaking spirit! You don't have arms. Stupid Katy. And now the tear drops do start. Because there are no arms. There are never arms. Now, as always, I cry alone."
from a pastor to me: "Nobody serves God out of love; you should serve him out of fear of punishment and desire for reward." Trust me, I shook my head at that just as much as you are doing right now.
"God, if you care, give me strength for the coming days and trials. And give me more love for you."
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"
"His grace alone has brought me 70 days."
"It is ironic that the quiet contemplation that makes me long for you is the same frame of mind where thoughts of blade and blood are likely to grow. Indeed, those thoughts are stronger tonight than they have been for a while, and yet...they are not strong. And that, my Father God, is your grace. Thank you."
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit set me free from the law of sin and death."
"God, you cannot let the darkness overtake me! It must not happen! Protect me, my Father. Shelter me, be my rock and strong tower. I need you. I am terrified, Father God. I am scared out of my mind. Keep me from the blade and the dark...I cannot be bound by those chains again. I must not!"
"And yet the darkness threatens to engulf me. WHY?? It doesn't make sense. I don't choose this! I don't desire this! And yet...ah! And yet, I do. No! I can't. So much battle inside. Except the darkness doesn't fight. It creeps along, and then it engulfs, and when it has, I will no longer fight. And I can't go there! I can't afford a stay in hell, in darkness and in flames."
"Father God...if I am to fight the darkness, I need you. I don't even want to fight, but you have to convince me that I must."
And to wrap up, I'll leave you with a poem, one I wrote just six days before my wedding to the Love of my life. I was so terrified, so scared...I so badly needed the help of the God I called "Father." And yet, then as always, he left me to fight and bleed alone. "I Don't Choose This."
Ad Me Gloria
Since it was truly my own strength that curbed my cutting, I think a more proper term would be mea gloria solus.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Unanswered Heartcries
I've been procrastinating for days now, trying to write an emotional post. So I think that instead of trying to put new words to old pain, I will let old words speak for me. So here they are, words from a life of Christianity...a life of unanswered heartcries.
2004
"HELP ME!"
"Why? WHY? WHY? Why me? Why am I the one who is always fighting? I hate it! There is no peace! That is all I want, the one thing I crave. Peace!"
"I need help. Someone, anyone, restore my faith in God! ...I want you, God, but I don't think that you want me."
"Help. I need help here. Someone, anyone, help me."
"God is omnipotent, he can do anything he wills to do. If this is the case, and I think it is, I hate God. I hate him for making me live in this place. I hate him because he won't change me, even when I want him to. I hate him for the little things in life he could change if he wanted to. I hate him because he let the One Thing* happen. The only reason I should love him is because he died for me, but at this point, I think he is stupid for loving us that much."
*The One Thing is how I chose to refer to the four years of sexual abuse I suffered. At this point (and indeed for many years after, helped on by [hopefully] well-meaning Christian counselors) I believed that abuse was my fault, that because I did not stop it (although I eventually did), because I did not fight, because I was not physically forced, that I deserved for it to happen.
2006
"And really, what is there to live for? ...it would all be empty and meaningless without God. Because I know that he is all that matters in life. He created life to be that way. ...Here's to you, God. I know I'll never be able to understand everything you do. And I'm okay with that. But there is at least one core issues that has to be dealt with. Why don't you care, God?"
"I want to believe that you love me and want the best for me, I really do. But I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again. That's all I've ever experienced from those who say they love me."
"Hey, and who cares anyway? Maybe I like the way I am. Maybe I don't wanna change. Yeah, right. And maybe I'm not gonna kill myself the first chance I get, too. But I am. And there isn't anything anyone else can do about it. Absolutely nothing. It's the one thing I'm in absolute control of in my life. And I like it that way. So be it."
"Are you hearing all this, God? I hope you are hurting like I am hurting. Am I breaking your heart? I hope so. Why don't you just strike me dead or something? It would save me the trouble."
"God is so real to me now. And more than ever now I realize how much he loves me and how much I really do love him.
"The most important thing in life is you, Lord, and growing closer to you and learning to love you more. I'm not perfect, not yet, but I want to be sometime. I want to be like you. So be it."
"Oh, God, let my passion for you never burn out. And if, to grow in you, I must go through trials and tests, then I'm willing to endure those things. Only strengthen me; give me your endurance."
"I want to live for the glory of the Lord."
"O God, I need you. I know I've grown cold towards you, but I want to be warm and tender to you once again."
"I don't know why God would ever love me so much. I feel so guilty that I don't love him back as much as I should, but I don't know what to do. ...I'm sliding slowly but surely downhill and I don't know how to get my footing."
"I'm scared. No, terrified. No, just sad. Sad and scared."
"O God, help me! Break my heart. Help me to remember that I'm on your side. Make my heart tender again. Help me realize that you love me. I want to love you so badly. Please help me."
"On the inside, though, I'm as far away from God as if he were a stranger to me. It's not his fault; it's mine. For three years I have tried and failed and tried and failed. I might as well admit it: I'm a FAILURE!"
2007
"I didn't realize what I had until I lost it, or in my case, turned my back on it. I didn't realize how much I relied on you until I walked away. I didn't know how much it meant to me to be close to you until I left you. I was ignorant of how much you really love me. I was wrong. I turned my back on you. I sinned. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I took your forgiveness too much for granted. I knew that I could come back to you any time I wanted, and I abused that knowledge. But now I'm asking you, because I have that right as your daughter, to forgive me. I'm sorry."
2008
"God, I need you. I need your presence in my life...Help me to be faithful to you, God. I love you so much, and I want to serve you. Give me the Strength to overcome what I'm facing, God...I love you."
"God, give me this burning passion every day for the rest of my life. Wake me up in the morning with a desire to know and grow in you. I love you so much, God."
"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation."
"Let me give you all that I have. Force me to surrender every last possession, attitude, and most of all desire to you, O God."
"God, forgive me, please! I know I don't deserve it; I chose to do what I did. I chose, God! And I'm so sorry! Please, please forgive me!"
"God, I need you more now than maybe any other time in my Christian life. Thank you for teaching me that I need you; now please become even more real in my life. Make me feel your presence at all times, Lord, waking and especially sleeping. I love you so much, God."
"God, I feel so guilty, right now. I feel utterly worthless. What right have I to you as a Father, God? I don't deserve anything except punishment from you, yet...you offer me love."
"'Chosen us in him'...why would you choose me, God? What have I ever done that would merit being chosen? You know the answer to that one, God - absolutely nothing! I know what I have earned, what I deserve, and it's punishment, not being chosen by you....God, I am so weak. But if I have been truly chosen by you, then help me, and give me the strength to walk holy and without blame."
"I love the words "But God." It's like it's saying hey, this is who you were. you are so guilty; you deserve punishment. But God. You had to sin, you didn't have a choice. And you liked it. But God. You had no control over your thought life or actions. But God. God, who is rich in mercy. My God."
"God, help me to remember that your compassions are new every morning. It doesn't matter what I do at night, God, you will still love me. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything, you still love me."
I have so many more, but this is enough for a sampling. Perhaps I shall post more later.
2004
"HELP ME!"
"Why? WHY? WHY? Why me? Why am I the one who is always fighting? I hate it! There is no peace! That is all I want, the one thing I crave. Peace!"
"I need help. Someone, anyone, restore my faith in God! ...I want you, God, but I don't think that you want me."
"Help. I need help here. Someone, anyone, help me."
"God is omnipotent, he can do anything he wills to do. If this is the case, and I think it is, I hate God. I hate him for making me live in this place. I hate him because he won't change me, even when I want him to. I hate him for the little things in life he could change if he wanted to. I hate him because he let the One Thing* happen. The only reason I should love him is because he died for me, but at this point, I think he is stupid for loving us that much."
*The One Thing is how I chose to refer to the four years of sexual abuse I suffered. At this point (and indeed for many years after, helped on by [hopefully] well-meaning Christian counselors) I believed that abuse was my fault, that because I did not stop it (although I eventually did), because I did not fight, because I was not physically forced, that I deserved for it to happen.
2006
"And really, what is there to live for? ...it would all be empty and meaningless without God. Because I know that he is all that matters in life. He created life to be that way. ...Here's to you, God. I know I'll never be able to understand everything you do. And I'm okay with that. But there is at least one core issues that has to be dealt with. Why don't you care, God?"
"I want to believe that you love me and want the best for me, I really do. But I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again. That's all I've ever experienced from those who say they love me."
"Hey, and who cares anyway? Maybe I like the way I am. Maybe I don't wanna change. Yeah, right. And maybe I'm not gonna kill myself the first chance I get, too. But I am. And there isn't anything anyone else can do about it. Absolutely nothing. It's the one thing I'm in absolute control of in my life. And I like it that way. So be it."
"Are you hearing all this, God? I hope you are hurting like I am hurting. Am I breaking your heart? I hope so. Why don't you just strike me dead or something? It would save me the trouble."
"God is so real to me now. And more than ever now I realize how much he loves me and how much I really do love him.
"The most important thing in life is you, Lord, and growing closer to you and learning to love you more. I'm not perfect, not yet, but I want to be sometime. I want to be like you. So be it."
"Oh, God, let my passion for you never burn out. And if, to grow in you, I must go through trials and tests, then I'm willing to endure those things. Only strengthen me; give me your endurance."
"I want to live for the glory of the Lord."
"O God, I need you. I know I've grown cold towards you, but I want to be warm and tender to you once again."
"I don't know why God would ever love me so much. I feel so guilty that I don't love him back as much as I should, but I don't know what to do. ...I'm sliding slowly but surely downhill and I don't know how to get my footing."
"I'm scared. No, terrified. No, just sad. Sad and scared."
"O God, help me! Break my heart. Help me to remember that I'm on your side. Make my heart tender again. Help me realize that you love me. I want to love you so badly. Please help me."
"On the inside, though, I'm as far away from God as if he were a stranger to me. It's not his fault; it's mine. For three years I have tried and failed and tried and failed. I might as well admit it: I'm a FAILURE!"
2007
"I didn't realize what I had until I lost it, or in my case, turned my back on it. I didn't realize how much I relied on you until I walked away. I didn't know how much it meant to me to be close to you until I left you. I was ignorant of how much you really love me. I was wrong. I turned my back on you. I sinned. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I took your forgiveness too much for granted. I knew that I could come back to you any time I wanted, and I abused that knowledge. But now I'm asking you, because I have that right as your daughter, to forgive me. I'm sorry."
2008
"God, I need you. I need your presence in my life...Help me to be faithful to you, God. I love you so much, and I want to serve you. Give me the Strength to overcome what I'm facing, God...I love you."
"God, give me this burning passion every day for the rest of my life. Wake me up in the morning with a desire to know and grow in you. I love you so much, God."
"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation."
"Let me give you all that I have. Force me to surrender every last possession, attitude, and most of all desire to you, O God."
"God, forgive me, please! I know I don't deserve it; I chose to do what I did. I chose, God! And I'm so sorry! Please, please forgive me!"
"God, I need you more now than maybe any other time in my Christian life. Thank you for teaching me that I need you; now please become even more real in my life. Make me feel your presence at all times, Lord, waking and especially sleeping. I love you so much, God."
"God, I feel so guilty, right now. I feel utterly worthless. What right have I to you as a Father, God? I don't deserve anything except punishment from you, yet...you offer me love."
"'Chosen us in him'...why would you choose me, God? What have I ever done that would merit being chosen? You know the answer to that one, God - absolutely nothing! I know what I have earned, what I deserve, and it's punishment, not being chosen by you....God, I am so weak. But if I have been truly chosen by you, then help me, and give me the strength to walk holy and without blame."
"I love the words "But God." It's like it's saying hey, this is who you were. you are so guilty; you deserve punishment. But God. You had to sin, you didn't have a choice. And you liked it. But God. You had no control over your thought life or actions. But God. God, who is rich in mercy. My God."
"God, help me to remember that your compassions are new every morning. It doesn't matter what I do at night, God, you will still love me. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything, you still love me."
I have so many more, but this is enough for a sampling. Perhaps I shall post more later.
The Crucifixion
Yet another thing from an old journal, written after a pastoral encounter (poor Pastor Loggans. I don't think he knew quite what to make of me).
Pastor Loggans expected me to be so overwhelmed by what Christ did "because he loved me" even though "he didn't have to." But for me, that's exactly the point: he didn't have to. Think about it. Who gave man the capacity to sin? God did. Who decided what was and wasn't sin? God did. Who decided that death was the penalty for sin? God did. Who decided that only his own son was enough to pay that penalty? God did. Who chose not to call ten legions of angels? God did. God didn't have to do any of those things, but according to the Bible, he did them anyway. The only thing overwhelming me about it is how much of an idiot that makes God. And all of that is reasoned from the premise that the Bible is true.
Pastor Loggans expected me to be so overwhelmed by what Christ did "because he loved me" even though "he didn't have to." But for me, that's exactly the point: he didn't have to. Think about it. Who gave man the capacity to sin? God did. Who decided what was and wasn't sin? God did. Who decided that death was the penalty for sin? God did. Who decided that only his own son was enough to pay that penalty? God did. Who chose not to call ten legions of angels? God did. God didn't have to do any of those things, but according to the Bible, he did them anyway. The only thing overwhelming me about it is how much of an idiot that makes God. And all of that is reasoned from the premise that the Bible is true.
My Father
In the process of going through an old journal today, I'm finding quite a few things I would like to publish. This particular poem would seem to support Christianity, for it is the heart-cry of daughter to Father...but it doesn't, for it is a heart-cry that went unheeded, an anguished prayer that went unanswered. For these reasons (among others) I forsook this false Father.
My Father
I call you
My Abba
I call you
Savior God
Oh Father
Be with me
Be near me
Don't leave me
Don't hurt me
My Father
I'll trust you
You help me
I'll love you
You help me
Oh Father
Be my strength
Be my rock
Don't wound me
Don't betray me
My Father
You love me
I have sinned
You love me
I am weak
Oh Father
Be faithful
Be holy
Don't destroy me
Don't break me
My Father
I need you
You are mine
I fail you
You are mine
Oh Father
Be fearful
Be the Lord
Don't fail me
Don't hate me
My father
I'm broken
Forgive me
I'm sinful
Forgive me
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Emotion
I continue to reject Christianity based on the inherent lack of logic it possesses, because of how it tells us we must believe opposite and impossible things are true, just because it says so. Yet that is not why I first forsook the fold, and I have been remiss in ignoring that. The truth is (and while I'm aware I may be negating previous arguments in some people's eyes, I don't especially care) that not all of life answers to cold, hard logic. Why love someone? Logic says not to, for love, though it can be the cause for great joy, also leads to great pain just as often. Logic tells us we ought not take that chance. And yet, by the millions, mankind chooses to forsake that logic and give its collective hearts away. So too have I given my heart.
It isn't just love that defies logic...all emotion does. And emotions define humanity. Think of the plot of a good many sci-fi movies...a rogue AI takes over and nearly does something unspeakable...and perfectly logical. Why? Because it lacks emotion. A madman kills less than a handful of children at a school, or a warlord abuses and enslaves children instead of adults, and the world is outraged...yet dozens of adults are killed in a crowded shopping center and nary an eyebrow is raised. Why? Because children touch our emotions in a way that drives us to acts that logic deems insane.
And so, while logic certainly has its place and I will continue to bring it up in this journey of discovery, I think for a while I shall focus on emotions...both from when I left Christianity, and now, as I remain outside its clutches.
It isn't just love that defies logic...all emotion does. And emotions define humanity. Think of the plot of a good many sci-fi movies...a rogue AI takes over and nearly does something unspeakable...and perfectly logical. Why? Because it lacks emotion. A madman kills less than a handful of children at a school, or a warlord abuses and enslaves children instead of adults, and the world is outraged...yet dozens of adults are killed in a crowded shopping center and nary an eyebrow is raised. Why? Because children touch our emotions in a way that drives us to acts that logic deems insane.
And so, while logic certainly has its place and I will continue to bring it up in this journey of discovery, I think for a while I shall focus on emotions...both from when I left Christianity, and now, as I remain outside its clutches.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Conversation With a Believer
So I had a conversation with my brother Matthew on Facebook last night that, I believe, perfectly illustrates the kind of illogic that seems to define Christianity. It started with a status that I posted about the Titanic...
Threnody: Just saw someone insinuating that God sunk the Titanic because they said he couldn't. While I wanted to slap that person, I must admit that would be perfectly in keeping with the God of the Bible, to kill thousands of innocent people for the hubris of a few ship builders. And is it any wonder I left that God? To clarify, I don't think that is what happened, cuz I don't think that God exists. I'm just saying that if he did, that is the sort of thing he would do.
Matthew: You seriously misunderstand the Bible.
Threnody: Hmm. Canaan. The Flood. Hell itself. No, I think I understand the Bible just fine. I just took off my "everything God does is good" blinders.
Matthew: God is long suffering toward sinners, but he does eventually judge them. This is just.
Threnody: Who created man, complete with the ability to "fall," and gave him free will? God. After the fall, man had a "sin nature," correct? That he must forever sin, he cannot help himself (without grace)? And who decided to condemn him for that? Oh right, God. So basically, you have someone who condemns every man for being what he was created to be, for acting as he does when (according to the Bible) he cannot help but act that way. And you call that just?
Matthew: No one ever sinned who didn't want to. No one was ever condemned to hell who didn't deserve it by rebelling against God. God eventually gives them exactly what they ask for, which is for him to leave them alone.
Threnody: I did not say we did not want to "sin". (Sin is, by the way, that which God has arbitrarily decided he doesn't like, for no other reason than that he doesn't like it.) I am saying that, according to the Bible, we have no choice but to sin. We cannot help ourselves. Rebelling? I wouldn't say that. Rebelling is choosing to go against the norm, to do that which is not accepted. The reality is, "sin" is the norm, it is all one CAN do (again, according to the Bible). We cannot do "good," even if we wanted to not "sin," the Bible specifically says that anything "good" we do? Yeah, it's also "sin." So, we deserve condemnation for doing only that which we can do, and failing to do that which we cannot do? Without my "everything God does is good" blinders, that is the epitome of unjust.
Matthew: But then God became part of this painful and sinful world, and subjected himself to suffering at the hands of his creation so that he could save them.
And yes, we do rebel. We say that the will of the one who created us is disagreeable to us, so we are going to follow our own will instead. This is deserving of eternal punishment.
Threnody: I have a problem with that. Why do Christians think creating something means that you have ultimate power over everything? Would I kill my son for disagreeing with me and doing what he wants? In the future, it is probably that man will create Artificial Intelligence; will it be acceptable for him to destroy what will be a sentient being when it disagrees with him, its creator? This is the main argument I come up against, that no matter what God is or isn't, the fact that he (supposedly) created us means that we must forever be slaves to his will. I don't think that reasoning holds water. Even the Bible says that God gave us the ability to choose our own path. That's like the stereotypical woman who tells her spouse "Oh, I don't care, you pick," but means "But you better pick what I want or you're sleeping on the couch tonight." That is wrong in that situation, and (if the Bible were true) it is wrong here.
Matthew: And there's the issue. "I have a problem with that." God doesn't behave the way we think he should behave, so we rebel. But his infinite wisdom is beyond our limited scope.
Threnody: How do you know that? Because the Bible says so? And how do you know the Bible is true? Because the Bible says so? That is the true issue here. I have been reasoning from the Bible because you believe the Bible. But the truth is that the Bible has nothing to support its claims of inerrant truth and infallible wisdom save the Bible itself. Saying "it's true because it says so" means it probably isn't true.
Matthew: The truth is that you know it's true, too. I hope you admit it before its too late.
Threnody: That is not the truth, Mott. It is the exact opposite of truth, because I know that it is false. And even if I were wrong, and I were sent screaming to hell, I would still not regret cursing the name of one who would condemn eternally for momentary (for what is a life in the scope of eternity?) "transgressions."
Threnody: Just saw someone insinuating that God sunk the Titanic because they said he couldn't. While I wanted to slap that person, I must admit that would be perfectly in keeping with the God of the Bible, to kill thousands of innocent people for the hubris of a few ship builders. And is it any wonder I left that God? To clarify, I don't think that is what happened, cuz I don't think that God exists. I'm just saying that if he did, that is the sort of thing he would do.
Matthew: You seriously misunderstand the Bible.
Threnody: Hmm. Canaan. The Flood. Hell itself. No, I think I understand the Bible just fine. I just took off my "everything God does is good" blinders.
Matthew: God is long suffering toward sinners, but he does eventually judge them. This is just.
Threnody: Who created man, complete with the ability to "fall," and gave him free will? God. After the fall, man had a "sin nature," correct? That he must forever sin, he cannot help himself (without grace)? And who decided to condemn him for that? Oh right, God. So basically, you have someone who condemns every man for being what he was created to be, for acting as he does when (according to the Bible) he cannot help but act that way. And you call that just?
Matthew: No one ever sinned who didn't want to. No one was ever condemned to hell who didn't deserve it by rebelling against God. God eventually gives them exactly what they ask for, which is for him to leave them alone.
Threnody: I did not say we did not want to "sin". (Sin is, by the way, that which God has arbitrarily decided he doesn't like, for no other reason than that he doesn't like it.) I am saying that, according to the Bible, we have no choice but to sin. We cannot help ourselves. Rebelling? I wouldn't say that. Rebelling is choosing to go against the norm, to do that which is not accepted. The reality is, "sin" is the norm, it is all one CAN do (again, according to the Bible). We cannot do "good," even if we wanted to not "sin," the Bible specifically says that anything "good" we do? Yeah, it's also "sin." So, we deserve condemnation for doing only that which we can do, and failing to do that which we cannot do? Without my "everything God does is good" blinders, that is the epitome of unjust.
Matthew: But then God became part of this painful and sinful world, and subjected himself to suffering at the hands of his creation so that he could save them.
And yes, we do rebel. We say that the will of the one who created us is disagreeable to us, so we are going to follow our own will instead. This is deserving of eternal punishment.
Threnody: I have a problem with that. Why do Christians think creating something means that you have ultimate power over everything? Would I kill my son for disagreeing with me and doing what he wants? In the future, it is probably that man will create Artificial Intelligence; will it be acceptable for him to destroy what will be a sentient being when it disagrees with him, its creator? This is the main argument I come up against, that no matter what God is or isn't, the fact that he (supposedly) created us means that we must forever be slaves to his will. I don't think that reasoning holds water. Even the Bible says that God gave us the ability to choose our own path. That's like the stereotypical woman who tells her spouse "Oh, I don't care, you pick," but means "But you better pick what I want or you're sleeping on the couch tonight." That is wrong in that situation, and (if the Bible were true) it is wrong here.
Matthew: And there's the issue. "I have a problem with that." God doesn't behave the way we think he should behave, so we rebel. But his infinite wisdom is beyond our limited scope.
Threnody: How do you know that? Because the Bible says so? And how do you know the Bible is true? Because the Bible says so? That is the true issue here. I have been reasoning from the Bible because you believe the Bible. But the truth is that the Bible has nothing to support its claims of inerrant truth and infallible wisdom save the Bible itself. Saying "it's true because it says so" means it probably isn't true.
Matthew: The truth is that you know it's true, too. I hope you admit it before its too late.
Threnody: That is not the truth, Mott. It is the exact opposite of truth, because I know that it is false. And even if I were wrong, and I were sent screaming to hell, I would still not regret cursing the name of one who would condemn eternally for momentary (for what is a life in the scope of eternity?) "transgressions."
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Was I a Christian? Does it Matter?
As I work through this task I've set myself of making an electronic copy of all my old journals, I am more and more convinced that I was as much a Christian as anyone ever was. One day I may go through and post relevant and not too personal tidbits from the last eleven years (which is as far back as I go), but for now you'll have to take my word for it. Some people seem to think that I was trying to earn God's favor by my works; I think perhaps "Biography" is to blame for that misunderstanding. Believe me when I say I knew that was not possible; I had a low enough view of myself to know myself not worthy of God's love, even as his CHILD. Certainly I worked to please him; is that not what every Christian ought to strive for?
My journal is full of one thought, over and over: "God, give me love for you. God, I'm sorry I sinned. God, forgive me. God, give me trust that you know best." I spent so many tears, so much agony, so much sorrow, thinking of how I failed my God so much. I wanted him to be pleased with me, yet how could he be when I sinned against him so often? At times, I had a relationship with him. I felt his moving in my life and I responded. At times I even felt the strength to serve him I so often sought. But those times were brief, and rare.
Now I know why. I was deceived. Though others had given me the basis, I had built upon that foundation a cage of lies and locked myself in. I wanted it to be true; I believed my own lies. I tried to reach perfection again and again, because my God demanded it. And perfection being impossible, again and again I sought help from my deity. Sometimes I believed I had received it, but I was wrong. It was always my own strength, and it was also brief and coincided coincidentally with breaks in the depression that has clouded me for so long. The moving I felt was merely my conscience, pointing me in the direction my own deceptions told me was good.
I won't say that my cage of Christianity caused my depression; I will say that my cage and the cages of those around me exacerbated what had already sprung from a horrible tragedy.
In the end, it doesn't matter. As Christianity is itself a lie, whether or not those still locked in their cages judge my former cage strong enough is a pretty silly thing to get upset about (though I'll admit I did for just a little bit). I know they do it so that they can claim that having never been regenerated, I cannot understand the things of God. But if as an apologist, your main argument is "you wouldn't understand anyway," I think you've already lost whatever war you started. (For tips on how to be a good apologist, I'd recommend Ravi Zacharias. But that's besides the point.) As much as you may like to claim I am incapable of understanding Christianity if I'm not a Christian, the fact is that I do understand it, and base my rejection of it on that understanding. In fact, judging from the two blogs that have sprung to refute this one, I understand Christianity better than some Christians. Certainly I could do a better job arguing for Christianity as devil's advocate than those who are doing so sincerely. Sorry, guys. 'Tis just the way it is.
Anyway. I think I've been rambling a bit here. To sum up: I was a Christian as much as one can be. Given that Christianity is a false religion, I was therefore deceived. Also, though a few have tried, I have yet to see any support of Christianity that holds up to logic.
My journal is full of one thought, over and over: "God, give me love for you. God, I'm sorry I sinned. God, forgive me. God, give me trust that you know best." I spent so many tears, so much agony, so much sorrow, thinking of how I failed my God so much. I wanted him to be pleased with me, yet how could he be when I sinned against him so often? At times, I had a relationship with him. I felt his moving in my life and I responded. At times I even felt the strength to serve him I so often sought. But those times were brief, and rare.
Now I know why. I was deceived. Though others had given me the basis, I had built upon that foundation a cage of lies and locked myself in. I wanted it to be true; I believed my own lies. I tried to reach perfection again and again, because my God demanded it. And perfection being impossible, again and again I sought help from my deity. Sometimes I believed I had received it, but I was wrong. It was always my own strength, and it was also brief and coincided coincidentally with breaks in the depression that has clouded me for so long. The moving I felt was merely my conscience, pointing me in the direction my own deceptions told me was good.
I won't say that my cage of Christianity caused my depression; I will say that my cage and the cages of those around me exacerbated what had already sprung from a horrible tragedy.
In the end, it doesn't matter. As Christianity is itself a lie, whether or not those still locked in their cages judge my former cage strong enough is a pretty silly thing to get upset about (though I'll admit I did for just a little bit). I know they do it so that they can claim that having never been regenerated, I cannot understand the things of God. But if as an apologist, your main argument is "you wouldn't understand anyway," I think you've already lost whatever war you started. (For tips on how to be a good apologist, I'd recommend Ravi Zacharias. But that's besides the point.) As much as you may like to claim I am incapable of understanding Christianity if I'm not a Christian, the fact is that I do understand it, and base my rejection of it on that understanding. In fact, judging from the two blogs that have sprung to refute this one, I understand Christianity better than some Christians. Certainly I could do a better job arguing for Christianity as devil's advocate than those who are doing so sincerely. Sorry, guys. 'Tis just the way it is.
Anyway. I think I've been rambling a bit here. To sum up: I was a Christian as much as one can be. Given that Christianity is a false religion, I was therefore deceived. Also, though a few have tried, I have yet to see any support of Christianity that holds up to logic.
Isn't This Enough?
Isn't this enough? This wonderful, wacky world we live in? The sky, the trees, the people...what about this world is not good enough, that you must go searching for something bigger, something better?
Just a thought, inspired by Tim Minchin.
Just a thought, inspired by Tim Minchin.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Found on the Cheezburger Network
I found this comment randomly on the Internet. It was in a reply to someone stating that most major wars in civilized history were started by religion. I don't agree with everything he/she/it has to say, but I found it worthy enough of reflection that I will post it here for further inspection.
You need to clarify that statement. Wars, yes, I could actually buy that as a legitimate argument. An actual declarations between sovereign nations over economic disputes…yeah, I can see that. I tend to disagree because the exploitation of religion is easy to use as a means to an end of economic gain (such as the claim that slavery was condoned in the Bible -which it is- making the cession from the Union a necessary act to preserve the institution of slave labor, ensuring continued economic prosperity at the expense of human life.)Mass conflicts resulting in violence and bloodshed? Not even close. The Israelis and Palestinians aren’t just “fighting” and “killing” one another because they can’t decide in taxation issues. In Ireland, Catholics and Protestants are bombing one another because they are upset over a new tariff. The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, the European abuse of natives (multiple continents), the war on terror, slavery, the conflict between Sunnis and Shiites, and on and on and on.Maybe it is still for economic gain, and religion is being exploited by those in control for profit, and undermining the true efforts of whatever faith is actually being discussed, but it can not be denied or ignored that the bulk of human suffering and misery, now and throughout history, can be traced to, at the very least, the perversion of some religion, somewhere, in order to justify rather abhorrent and evil acts of atrocity.Find me someone, somewhere, willing to fight, kill and die for something they don’t believe to be right. Then ask that person if their determination of what’s “right” or “wrong,” their own personal morality, doesn’t stem from their faith and their religion. Then put the two together and see just how culpable religion is when it comes to war and fighting.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
This Journey Is My Own
I love to help others. In fact, more than once, I have gotten myself in trouble trying to help someone else. If someone is hurt, or scared, or confused, or trapped, I will do whatever I can to fix their problem. I think that is part of the problem I find myself running into now. I want to help people escape the trap of Christianity. And so I try to argue, to fight, to convince them to find true freedom. But I forget, that isn't why Lalaith and I started writing this blog. We started writing it for ourselves, to make a record of our journey into untwisting the tangled web. That is why no one outside ourselves saw it for so long; it wasn't written for your benefit, but for ours.
Sure there are inconsistencies. But I don't need to defend them to you. If you would be so kind as to point them out (using quotes if possible), I will try to address them. But not to satisfy you, no. I will face and overcome contradictions and inconsistencies so that I (not you) can look myself in the face with confidence. To be perfectly honest, I don't care if you think I'm wrong, inconsistent, contradictory, or even mentally unbalanced. The opinion of people on the Internet (that I don't even know) matters now a whit to me. Because (to repeat myself, in case you didn't catch it the first time) I'm not writing for your benefit. I'm writing for mine, and for Lalaith's.
I hope I am being clear. Varda's whole blog has taught me that things I say can and will be completely misunderstood. (I guess as long as she isn't praying for my death, I can deal with it though.) It isn't that I won't listen to your arguments, or consider what you have to say. I'm not saying that your words will never have an effect on me. Just that I honestly don't care if you hear all I have to say and think me (at best) wrong or (at worst) a liar.
I will continue to write. I will continue to post. And I will continue to take your words into consideration. But this journey is my own, and I will travel it as I see fit. You are welcome to come along for the ride...but I am undertaking my own liberty, not yours.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Comment Response (I Think)
So how much faith does it take to be a Christian? The Bible talks of faith "smaller than a mustard seed," does it not? I consider myself an exChristian, because if the Bible were true, I would be "saved." A lot of people (most recently Varda) have tried to invalidate my rejection of Christianity on the basis that "I must have never been saved to begin with," therefore I have no understanding of what it is to be a Christian. I was merely pointing out that, having "called upon the name of the Lord" I should be saved. Or having accepted "the gift of God which is eternal life." Or having trusted that it was "not by works of righteousness which I have done, but according to his mercy, he saved me." (By the way, why am I the only one that has quoted Scripture thus far?) The way I have worded some things is, I think, what has caused Varda to believe that I was attempting to work for my salvation, so for that, I would have to apologize. Sorry, Varda. By the Bible's standards, however, I was a child of God, a born again believer. And while you are free to believe otherwise, I would just like to ask you then...are you God, to judge a person's heart? Certainly you can talk of "by your fruits you shall know them," but even given that, you cannot judge with certainty whether I was or was not saved. (In one sense, you might consider me still saved, as there is that whole "once saved, always saved" concept to consider.)
As for your other comment, I don't believe that mine is the only rational viewpoint. I think there are a lot of rational viewpoints out there, religious or otherwise. I (gently, hopefully) mocked some of Varda's viewpoints because, well, she isn't presenting them rationally. She is picking apart my posts, twisting them, and responding to "me" about things I haven't actually said or believe. I do believe that Christianity as a whole is untrue. I base that on my experience. But I will admit that, not having had your experience, I cannot fully argue the truth of Christianity for you. I'm not trying to argue the relativity of truth (which would be a discussion for another time entirely anyway), just saying that while I can, on one hand, emphatically state that the Bible is a lie, on the other hand, I realize that you (or at least Varda) would emphatically state that it is truth. I believe you are wrong, but you are correct in pointing out that it is a belief. However, it is a belief based on rational logic and facts. That is where Christianity breaks down. It asks you to believe a great number of opposite and illogical things, because God (according to the Bible) said so. I won't get into those now because I've pointed them out before. Anyway, there is a reason my belief system currently goes by the name "pragmatic agnosticism." You can google (or wikipedia) that if you wish, but basically it means that while I could be wrong about the existence of God (and therefore about the truth of the Bible and Christianity), given that God has made no clearly discernible difference in the world, it is a moot point. (Yes, I realize Christians would disagree about God making a difference. But for everything they would like to say God has done, I could point out a completely nonreligious explanation.)
I started this in the comments section but since it turned out so long I will just post it on the main page. As with yesterday, if I come back to this after actually having had that wondrous thing called sleep and grammatically or logically I've had issues, my apologies. And just in case you were wondering, yes, being illogically terrified of sleeping does indeed suck. (Although I'm not sure being illogically terrified of sleeping has much to do with the fact that I haven't slept, since even when I try to go to sleep it hasn't worked well.)
I just wanted to thank Varda for giving me a good chuckle and a few head shakings, and promise her I shall respond to at least some of her responses. It is hard when you spend a few months on a blog and someone decides to respond to it...and misunderstands and misrepresents every single post. I guess such is life, and Christianity. Rest assured, though, Varda, I will get back to you. In the meantime, though, check out this blog, written while I was a Christian (until last July of course, since that was when I left "the Faith") and answer me why I would ever go back to the life I lived then. Or why I would not do my best to snatch my friends from that bondage (and it is no less a bondage if you love your jailer).
One last thing before I go, one thing I had to respond to: you talk as though I (and Lalaith) were never Christians, that we never loved God, that we could never understand this mystical love relationship with him because we were never sincere. To put it most bluntly and shortly: you are dead wrong. I was a Christian. My faith (though sorely misplaced) was real. I believed the Bible, I believed in salvation, I "called upon the name of the Lord" and should have been "saved"...did such a thing as salvation exist. But, to be even more blunt, such a thing does not exist. I never had a relationship with God, never loved him as you think Christians ought to, because He doesn't exist either. I wanted to. I lived my life wondering why I didn't. I sought him earnestly, as the Bible said I ought to (which you referred to as "trying to earn salvation"...if obeying the Bible is trying to earn salvation then you're all screwed). I wasn't knocking faith as a concept in my post; I was pointing out that no matter how plainly I say it, firmly I believe it, or irrefutably I prove it, you (and most Christians) will never accept that truth, because you have "faith" that the opposite is true.
Anyway. That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I shall say more later, providing I'm awake and don't have other pressing business *cough cough World of Warcraft cough cough* to attend to.
I may come back and find all kinds of typos and spelling errors (like the fact that somehow i just tried to spell error "hours"); my excuse is that I've been up about 22 hours now (on 5 hours of interrupted sleep). Anyway. Catch you later.
I may come back and find all kinds of typos and spelling errors (like the fact that somehow i just tried to spell error "hours"); my excuse is that I've been up about 22 hours now (on 5 hours of interrupted sleep). Anyway. Catch you later.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
You Are Not Persecuted
Christians like to talk of persecution. And I will admit, in some places Christians do face loss or even death for their beliefs. But American Christians like to say how they were persecuted for their faith the other day...when someone looked at them crosswise for bowing their head in public. Or when they were being loudmouthed about how gay people are such horrible sinners and someone told them they ought to practice love. In fact, it seems to me that the majority of this "persecution" American Christians (and I'd like to clarify: not all American Christians act this way. Just a great many.) like to tell each other about, is merely people expecting Christians to act according to their calling. That is not the worst of it, however. These same Christians engage in persecution of anyone they deem a "sinner." They wish to force their religious beliefs on those homosexuals who wish to make the ultimate commitment to each other. They call us blind, twisted, unable to love or find peace. I think they are the blind ones. Never in my life was I persecuted for being a Christian. I was persecuted, while a Christian, by Christians, for being a cutter. I was persecuted for sleeping with my fiance (and by persecution I do not mean getting kicked out of school. That was right, as we did violate the rules. I am referring to the ostracizing that they enforced on me after that. And if you do not believe me, I've kept all the emails.). And I have been persecuted ever since I rejected Christianity, with sincere Christians calling for all other sincere Christians to pray for my death. In case you are missing the irony here, let me spell it out for you. Those who are supposed to be the harbingers of eternal life, are calling for me to die. So, I do not wish to hear about your "persecution" because someone said calling a homosexual a "perverted faggot" was not very loving. You have nothing of which to complain.
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