Unanswered Heartcries

I've been procrastinating for days now, trying to write an emotional post. So I think that instead of trying to put new words to old pain, I will let old words speak for me. So here they are, words from a life of Christianity...a life of unanswered heartcries.

2004

"HELP ME!"

"Why? WHY? WHY? Why me? Why am I the one who is always fighting? I hate it! There is no peace! That is all I want, the one thing I crave. Peace!"

"I need help. Someone, anyone, restore my faith in God! ...I want you, God, but I don't think that you want me."

"Help. I need help here. Someone, anyone, help me."

"God is omnipotent, he can do anything he wills to do. If this is the case, and I think it is, I hate God. I hate him for making me live in this place. I hate him because he won't change me, even when I want him to. I hate him for the little things in life he could change if he wanted to. I hate him because he let the One Thing* happen. The only reason I should love him is because he died for me, but at this point, I think he is stupid for loving us that much."
*The One Thing is how I chose to refer to the four years of sexual abuse I suffered. At this point (and indeed for many years after, helped on by [hopefully] well-meaning Christian counselors) I believed that abuse was my fault, that because I did not stop it (although I eventually did), because I did not fight, because I was not physically forced, that I deserved for it to happen.


2006
"And really, what is there to live for? ...it would all be empty and meaningless without God. Because I know that he is all that matters in life. He created life to be that way. ...Here's to you, God. I know I'll never be able to understand everything you do. And I'm okay with that. But there is at least one core issues that has to be dealt with. Why don't you care, God?"

"I want to believe that you love me and want the best for me, I really do. But I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again. That's all I've ever experienced from those who say they love me."

"Hey, and who cares anyway? Maybe I like the way I am. Maybe I don't wanna change. Yeah, right. And maybe I'm not gonna kill myself the first chance I get, too. But I am. And there isn't anything anyone else can do about it. Absolutely nothing. It's the one thing I'm in absolute control of in my life. And I like it that way. So be it."

"Are you hearing all this, God? I hope you are hurting like I am hurting. Am I breaking your heart? I hope so. Why don't you just strike me dead or something? It would save me the trouble."

"God is so real to me now. And more than ever now I realize how much he loves me and how much I really do love him.

"The most important thing in life is you, Lord, and growing closer to you and learning to love you more. I'm not perfect, not yet, but I want to be sometime. I want to be like you. So be it."

"Oh, God, let my passion for you never burn out. And if, to grow in you, I must go through trials and tests, then I'm willing to endure those things. Only strengthen me; give me your endurance."

"I want to live for the glory of the Lord."

"O God, I need you. I know I've grown cold towards you, but I want to be warm and tender to you once again."

"I don't know why God would ever love me so much. I feel so guilty that I don't love him back as much as I should, but I don't know what to do. ...I'm sliding slowly but surely downhill and I don't know how to get my footing."

"I'm scared. No, terrified. No, just sad. Sad and scared."

"O God, help me! Break my heart. Help me to remember that I'm on your side. Make my heart tender again. Help me realize that you love me. I want to love you so badly. Please help me."

"On the inside, though, I'm as far away from God as if he were a stranger to me. It's not his fault; it's mine. For three years I have tried and failed and tried and failed. I might as well admit it: I'm a FAILURE!"

2007
"I didn't realize what I had until I lost it, or in my case, turned my back on it. I didn't realize how much I relied on you until I walked away. I didn't know how much it meant to me to be close to you until I left you. I was ignorant of how much you really love me. I was wrong. I turned my back on you. I sinned. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I took your forgiveness too much for granted. I knew that I could come back to you any time I wanted, and I abused that knowledge. But now I'm asking you, because I have that right as your daughter, to forgive me. I'm sorry."

2008

"God, I need you. I need your presence in my life...Help me to be faithful to you, God. I love you so much, and I want to serve you. Give me the Strength to overcome what I'm facing, God...I love you."

"God, give me this burning passion every day for the rest of my life. Wake me up in the morning with a desire to know and grow in you. I love you so much, God."

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation."

"Let me give you all that I have. Force me to surrender every last possession, attitude, and most of all desire to you, O God."

"God, forgive me, please! I know I don't deserve it; I chose to do what I did. I chose, God! And I'm so sorry! Please, please forgive me!"

"God, I need you more now than maybe any other time in my Christian life. Thank you for teaching me that I need you; now please become even more real in my life. Make me feel your presence at all times, Lord, waking and especially sleeping. I love you so much, God."

"God, I feel so guilty, right now. I feel utterly worthless. What right have I to you as a Father, God? I don't deserve anything except punishment from you, yet...you offer me love."

"'Chosen us in him'...why would you choose me, God? What have I ever done that would merit being chosen? You know the answer to that one, God - absolutely nothing! I know what I have earned, what I deserve, and it's punishment, not being chosen by you....God, I am so weak. But if I have been truly chosen by you, then help me, and give me the strength to walk holy and without blame."

"I love the words "But God." It's like it's saying hey, this is who you were. you are so guilty; you deserve punishment. But God. You had to sin, you didn't have a choice. And you liked it. But God. You had no control over your thought life or actions. But God. God, who is rich in mercy. My God."

"God, help me to remember that your compassions are new every morning. It doesn't matter what I do at night, God, you will still love me. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything, you still love me."


I have so many more, but this is enough for a sampling. Perhaps I shall post more later.