As I work through this task I've set myself of making an electronic copy of all my old journals, I am more and more convinced that I was as much a Christian as anyone ever was. One day I may go through and post relevant and not too personal tidbits from the last eleven years (which is as far back as I go), but for now you'll have to take my word for it. Some people seem to think that I was trying to earn God's favor by my works; I think perhaps "Biography" is to blame for that misunderstanding. Believe me when I say I knew that was not possible; I had a low enough view of myself to know myself not worthy of God's love, even as his CHILD. Certainly I worked to please him; is that not what every Christian ought to strive for?
My journal is full of one thought, over and over: "God, give me love for you. God, I'm sorry I sinned. God, forgive me. God, give me trust that you know best." I spent so many tears, so much agony, so much sorrow, thinking of how I failed my God so much. I wanted him to be pleased with me, yet how could he be when I sinned against him so often? At times, I had a relationship with him. I felt his moving in my life and I responded. At times I even felt the strength to serve him I so often sought. But those times were brief, and rare.
Now I know why. I was deceived. Though others had given me the basis, I had built upon that foundation a cage of lies and locked myself in. I wanted it to be true; I believed my own lies. I tried to reach perfection again and again, because my God demanded it. And perfection being impossible, again and again I sought help from my deity. Sometimes I believed I had received it, but I was wrong. It was always my own strength, and it was also brief and coincided coincidentally with breaks in the depression that has clouded me for so long. The moving I felt was merely my conscience, pointing me in the direction my own deceptions told me was good.
I won't say that my cage of Christianity caused my depression; I will say that my cage and the cages of those around me exacerbated what had already sprung from a horrible tragedy.
In the end, it doesn't matter. As Christianity is itself a lie, whether or not those still locked in their cages judge my former cage strong enough is a pretty silly thing to get upset about (though I'll admit I did for just a little bit). I know they do it so that they can claim that having never been regenerated, I cannot understand the things of God. But if as an apologist, your main argument is "you wouldn't understand anyway," I think you've already lost whatever war you started. (For tips on how to be a good apologist, I'd recommend Ravi Zacharias. But that's besides the point.) As much as you may like to claim I am incapable of understanding Christianity if I'm not a Christian, the fact is that I do understand it, and base my rejection of it on that understanding. In fact, judging from the two blogs that have sprung to refute this one, I understand Christianity better than some Christians. Certainly I could do a better job arguing for Christianity as devil's advocate than those who are doing so sincerely. Sorry, guys. 'Tis just the way it is.
Anyway. I think I've been rambling a bit here. To sum up: I was a Christian as much as one can be. Given that Christianity is a false religion, I was therefore deceived. Also, though a few have tried, I have yet to see any support of Christianity that holds up to logic.
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