Wednesday, April 25, 2012

When the Prairie Sun Climbs Out of the Hay



Every childhood should include the Sons of the Pioneers. No exceptions.

Masochism, Anger, Feeling

Masochism (in part): purposefully reading something you know will make you angry. Even after you've promised not to.

Of course you can also add things like cutting to this list. That one is rather obvious. But why? Why did I, today, go to a blog, knowing that I would disagree with the author's very worldview, let alone any specific posts, knowing that I would be frustrated, knowing that likely I would get angry?

Because...I wanted to feel angry. Or perhaps more accurately and more simply: I wanted to feel. Anger is perhaps the most easily obtainable emotion. We all have things that make us upset. For most people, however, we shy away from those things. We don't want to get angry; we don't like the way it makes us feel guilty; it isn't socially acceptable. But when I'm trapped in a haze...when I feel empty, when I feel grey, when I feel nothing...then I want to feel anything, even anger.

And so I am angry. Angry at being misunderstood. Angry at being maligned. Angry at the chains that bind so many of my friends in slavery. Angry at a myth that has been propagated as ultimate truth for far too long. Angry at so many things in the world I cannot change. Perhaps...angry at life itself.

I will pay a price, for the anger. I start to pay it now, in guilt. What anger is not accompanied by guilt? We are living, thinking beings, we do not let these negative emotions drive us. I will perhaps pay more, who knows? But for a little while, the goal is accomplished:

I feel.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Character Death

Some day I'm going to make a character on some game. And I'm going to name it "darkness" or "depression" or "shadows," something along those lines. And I'll tell myself, I'm only allowed to be depressed when I'm playing that toon. And then...I'll never touch it again.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A little something


You Would Have Me Believe

You would have me believe that what I grew up believing was the truth, and that the truths I now believe are a lie. But what does that mean, exactly? It means that, if the Bible is true, I was never a Christian, no matter how much I thought I was. If some are to be believed, I am a goat among the sheep, doomed to stand at Christ's left hand and be cast into hellfire and brimstone forever. If I was not saved, all those years I earnestly sought God's face, it stands to reason I shall not become saved if I turn to seek his face once more. You would have me believe the truth of your religion, not to convert me, but to have me live the rest of my life knowing I am doomed to eternal punishment. You would have me believe that the only eternal life I can look forward to is one lived in a lake of fire and brimstone. You would have me believe that this is just, that a holy God demands that some be punished while some go free. I would have thought a holy God would demand that all be punished, or if a way to freedom was provided, that all his beloved creations go free. That is not the way of it, according to your Bible. It would have me believe that even though I willingly came to drink of the waters of eternal life, I am yet forever damned. Even though I called my God "Lord, Lord," he would still cast me out. Even though I came to him earnestly and sought him fervently, he would still say to me, "Depart from me into everlasting darkness. I never knew you." 
This is what you would have me believe. This is what you seek so earnestly to convince me of.

I Want to KILL Things

I punched Deathwing in the face the other night again. (Usually when I say this I just mean "I killed so-and-so," but if you've ever done Madness you know that "punching Deathwing in the face" is actually quite literal.) It was quite fun, as usual. Then I got done and pugged another raid. We only got as far as punching Ultraxion in the face, but I was okay with that because raiding is stressful and 12 bosses in one night is a lot. Howsoever, I also still wanted to finish because I quite enjoy killing things. I also enjoy other things about WoW, but mainly it's the killing things part that makes it fun. So right now, I'm kind of ticked that I don't have the endurance to pug five toons a week into Dragon Soul in addition to my main. Then again, at the rate people are asking me to join their raid teams I would really only have to pug three a week. Honestly though...we are only just now getting to where we can finish DS in one night. Now I'm supposed to start a raid group with a couple of friends on another server and faction, so it will probably be a couple months before we get to this point there. And a friend on my main server also wants one of my toons in HIS brand new raid group. I'm unsure on the sanity of trying to raid three nights a week with three different toons...but I kind of want to try. Because again...I want to kill things.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Life's Journey Revisited

 
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I Went Fire On My Mage

I'm quite fond of Adele, despite having only discovered her recently. But I think it's possible I'm even more fond of this song.


The Music of my Childhood

I enjoy many different kinds of music, but the music of my childhood has a special place in my heart. Although I may not agree with the lyrics so much anymore, the music is still beautiful and tugs at your emotions. To be honest, the only thing I miss about leaving Christianity is singing...there truly is nothing like lifting your voice in glorious harmony with dozens or hundreds of other people, united for just a bit in one voice and one mind. So here is a version of a song from my childhood (that I would NOT have listened to then, given its less than ultra-conservative arrangement) that I would like to share for your enjoyment as well as my own.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Life's Journey

From the pain of years gone by
To the sorrow of my heart
From the tears I now must cry
To the pointless praise of art

From the life spent much in vain
To the words that no one sees
From the soul that bears a stain
To false whispers on the breeze

From the pain that now returns
To the fear of lost control
From the truth tradition spurns
To the scars upon my soul

From regret and wasted light
To past hopes that now must fade
From the solitude of night
To the hate forgiveness made

From temptation fierce and strong
To tumultuous desire
From the stares that linger long
To the scars that burn like fire

From promises' betrayal
To the shadows that light sends
From poet's stark denial
To the knowledge this all ends

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Love of Pain

There are many types of pain, and there are therefore many types of self-injury. The most obvious one that springs to mind, of course, is cutting, but that is merely the most common outward one. For you can self-injure your heart and mind and soul just as effectively without a blade.
I think one of the questions we ask ourselves most is why? Why pick up a blade and leave our skin in shreds? Why purposefully imagine scenarios that bring you pain? Why bring up past hurts and memories and griefs in your mind and allow them to eat away at your soul? Why lash your soul again and again with the guilt of things that you've done? Why does some part of you enjoy these things? In another place I wrote a post about words and their strange compulsion in me, but that is only part of the reason I have until recently maintained a vast collection of words that bring me pain. For some small part of me delights in pain, it loves to wallow in the kind of heartbreak that has until very recently been a large part of my life. I stir up strife and drama (does that surprise you? I'm not actually that acerbic) and let the anger and hate I've provoked shred my soul in their sharp talons.
I haven't yet figured out why I'm a masochist. It isn't "fun" or "pleasant," even if it does feel "good." I've come up with a lot of explanations, but none really explain everything about it. Perhaps it is a mix of several things, or perhaps it is none of those things at all. I do know at least that it is not uncommon, that I am not alone. That helps...somewhat, but knowing that other people have the same problems doesn't really help me solve my own.
I hate to stop here, with tears running down my cheeks and a heart full of pain that I did not desire, but I've run out of words. That, at least, answers one of the questions: Why take up a blade? Because I have no words to express the pain.

You Think You Understand?

It bothers me when I hear statements like this: "I know what you feel like, I wanted to cut once." Why? Because you are claiming a false empathy. You have absolutely no idea what I feel like. You are trivializing an agonizing portion of my being. It is easy to think about cutting in the abstract, but if you've never done it you have no idea of that of which you speak so flippantly.
Have you ever felt the delicate kiss of a razor blade as it travels across your skin, and the sharp exquisite pain of its bite? Have you ever watched as the blood starts to well up, first in tiny droplets, then a steady flow down your arm? Have you ever felt your entire body go limp as a wave of endorphins washes away the pain that is always there and you tasted blessed freedom?
Have you ever laid awake at night, struggling to keep yourself from reaching for the blade once more? Have you ever carried on a normal conversation with a loved one while your mind and body clamor overwhelmingly with the desire to spill more of your own blood? Have you ever hated yourself for who you've become even as your grip tightens to make that first red line, only to revel once more in that rush of glorious freedom? Have you ever lived in absolute slavery to that which you both worship and despise?
How could you possibly think "wanting to cut once" empowers you to know how these things feel?

A Week of Art and Little Else


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My "House"


I intended to draw my house when I started this. And if you look at only the front door and the garage I did okay. The slight issue is that the main part of the house (including the second story) actually starts to the right of the front door. So...I was a little off. Another fun fact: I drew each brick individually. Because after all, when the point is to wasted time, time must therefore be wasted as much as possible.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Compass Craziness



A school compass, not a directional one. Just in case, you know, that wasn't clear.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Graph Paper


You know what this is? This is the epitome of "bored in class."

A Resolution of Words

I devour words.

Words have always been my passion. If I have a spare moment, and there are words, I will be reading them. It doesn't matter if they are significant words or not, really. For example, if I've used the bathroom in your house, I've probably read the back of all your shampoo bottles and other such products. If you give me a newspaper I will read it all, down to the ups and downs of the stock market and that one article about the junior high baseball team that took third in some unimportant regional tourney.

Books of course are not excluded. I have read most of the hundreds of books in my house, and what I haven't read, I plan to. This includes such diverse things as a study on I Corinthians (does that surprise you? It is words) to numerous fantasy novels to my husband's nursing textbooks. Books have shaped my mind over the years. Fantasy novels especially tend to present truth in such a way that you wonder, why exactly have you never thought about it that way before? And before you know it, your viewpoint is forever changed. If, like me, you can devour a thousand page tome in just a couple of sittings, the amount of knowledge you are inundated with can become almost overwhelming, and you start to realize how little it is that you actually know, and how much of the world you have yet to discover.

If the words are significant to me, however, this strange quirk becomes an obsession. If you mention me, or respond to the words I've written, or are simply a friend or an acquaintance, I will read your words. Then I will refresh your blog and read them again. I have folders of hundreds of emails and chats that I cannot bear to delete because they contain your words. I cannot help myself. I have read things that caused me great pain, and saved them, and read them again; not because I like that kind of pain, but because I quite literally cannot resist the temptation to open that email or follow that link.

I devour words. I will not allow them to control me.

And so I am making a stand here. I am choosing to defy this portion of me. I am choosing to ignore some words, words that have caused me frustration, have brought me pain, and have driven the darkness deeper into my soul. I will not visit Freedom in Christ nor Seriosome.org. I will not see what new arrogance has been posted on En Taro Adun or Denudantis Iudicia in Stratis Veritas. I go now to delete many emails and chats, never to see them again. I will not allow words to bind me in chains of blood.

I devour words. I will not allow them to control me. I am the master here.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Stick Art 3


Last one...for now.

The Week, It has Passed

Much thought has been had! Much debating over stupid things has been done! Time for a new beginning it is!


Join us again next week for more poetry, prose, art, snark, and intellectual discussions!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Memory Verses

I used to be the queen of verse memorization. Well, memorizing anything really, and as a young Baptist, that meant verses. Because, you know, having memorized every verse in the Bible on prayer, for instance, shows that I am a great Prayer Warrior, right? Heh heh. So anyway, having come across a nostalgic 1.5 inch or so stack of 3x5 cards inscribed with these verses, I'm sharing them with you. With commentary. And possibly snark. Because, after all, I'm the queen of snark, too.Warning: in case you hadn't yet figured it out, I'm not applying logic, emotion, or anything else to these verses. I'm making fun of them. Scoffing, if you will. So before you reply, if you happen to be a Christian, think about Proverbs 9:7. Also, if you feel like calling me foolish (and don't deny that you do), consider Proverbs 26:4-5. Ignore any lack of inherent logic in that passage, because of course, it's the Bible, and therefore it is true even if it states two opposite things right after each other.

"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men." Acts 24:16. Wow, I thought that was impossible, to have a conscience void of offence toward God, since God is, you know, the pinnacle of holiness and the fact that we have a sin nature is an offense to that holiness. You know, despite that fact that we can't help having a sin nature. And that he tells us to be holy anyway. Despite that.

"They that forsake the law praise the wicked: but such as keep the law contend with them." Proverbs 28:4. Oh, I guess you SHOULD argue with me, then. No wait, answer me not. No wait, answer me. Or you could just wallow in confusion, that'd probably be best. No, no, hush, don't talk, you're confuzzled.

"By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous." I John 5:2-3. Oh, so we don't love God if we don't keep his commandments. Let's see, here's an easy one: don't commit adultery. Okay, got it, that one is easy. Oh wait "he that looks on a woman with lust has committed adultery with her in his heart." So basically, anyone who has ever been a teenage male (or female) is screwed. Although not literally, just in his heart. The heart that is, you know, deceitful above all things and desperately wicked and therefore not really capable of keeping ANY of God's commandments. So in reality, nobody has ever loved God. And it is of course in no way a grievous thing to deny your body what its built in hormone system (excuse me, God-given hormone system) demands. Nope, not at all. Easiest thing in the world, really.

"A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; but the simple pass on, and are punished." Proverbs 27:12. There isn't actually anything to argue with here, I don't think. Keep your eyes open and your head up, idiots. Man I love proverbs.

"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I." Romans 7:15.
"Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me." Romans 7:17.
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." Romans 7:18-19.
"I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." Romans 7:21. Welcome to Romans 7, the Schizophrenia passage. Prisoner at the bar: "No, no, your honor, I didn't do that, that was my 'sin nature.' I can't help it, really I can't, your honor." Judge: "I know you can't, but too bad! You're condemned to death anyway!" Prisoner at the bar: "But I'm actually a good person, your honor, I have God living inside me, I can't be condemned even if I sin because I don't really want to sin, your honor. I just do it anyway." Judge: "Wait, so you're telling me that you've got both God and sin living inside you? How does that make sense?" Prisoner at the bar: "Well it doesn't really, your honor, but God says it is true, so it must be." I'm sorry, in what universe besides the Bible would that actually make sense? Oh, right, it wouldn't.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." You know, it's no wonder that God didn't have a problem with slavery (well, he did, if the slave was Jewish, you had to set it free eventually. Otherwise, it was yours to keep). After all, we are all slaves to him, he owns us, body and soul, according to him. Unless you look at other verses, of course. Then you get things like "if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." Because being owned body and soul means you're free, of course. 

"You have a choice. You have been given the ability and free will to choose who and what will be the king in your life. You choose who and what will be in control. You choose who and what you will obey. You choose to whom and to what you will yield. You choose who and what will dominate your life. You choose to please God or please self." Rand Hummel, Lest You FallI'm sorry, Rand, but have you read the Schizophrenia Passage lately? Because I just did and I'm positive it says that in fact, we don't get to choose, we're going to sin whether we like it or not. And if we don't like it, really we don't get to please God OR self, which seems kind of unfair to me. If I'm going to sin, SOMEBODY might as well enjoy it, right?

"Give unto the Lord the glory due his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." I Chronicles 16:29. Yep, holiness. You heard him. What do you mean you can't be holy? God told you to be holy, therefore you had better be holy, bro. God doesn't care if you have a sin nature that you were born with, you had better be holy or he's gonna take you out. For his glory, of course.

"For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men*, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world." Titus 2:11-12.  You're really starting to contradict yourself here, Paul my buddy. Is it possible to deny ungodliness/our sin nature, or isn't it? And how, really, does a human being live godly? Because the last time I checked, I didn't know everything and I certainly wasn't all-powerful or outside time itself. Let me check again. ... Nope, still not godly. Or were you talking about the "inward man"? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect or loving or kind or any of that, at least not on a godlike scale. So, you're just calling us to do something that's impossible. Jerk.
*the elect. Duh. Obviously God hasn't given his grace to "all men," that would be like, so totally stupid. Why would God want EVERYONE to be saved when he could send SOME of them to hell without even a chance at grace? That would be, like, so totally unholy of him.

"But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition." I Timothy 6:9.Remember, children, money is evil. Give it to the church, they won't be corrupted by such things, let them handle the evil money for you.

"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts." Ephesians 4:22. Um, Paul, buddy, pal, friend. You just got done telling our good friends the Romans all about how you (the man who is, according to yourself, like, the best Christian ever) can't even do this. Or maybe the church at Ephesus had some special "freeing themselves from their sin nature" super power that neither you nor the Romans had? If so, I'm jealous and why didn't they share? No fair, man, no fair.

"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof." Romans 6:12. Jlkjasdfhoiqwrbmmn. Let's have a contest! It's called "See how many times Paul can contradict himself in the New Testament." Ready? Go!!

"He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32. So, I've been informed by reputable and trustworthy sources* that this is NOT, in fact, human sacrifice, because Christ was actually God. But he was still human. Is there a special word for sacrificing some that is both God and human? Goman sacrifice? Humod sacrifice? The point here is that somehow killing something innocent makes up for murder, you know, YOU killing something innocent.
*the Internet. Also preachers and other various and assorted Christians.

Stick Figure 2


Another awesome "stick figure!" Yay!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Stick Art 1


Yes, I know it isn't technically a stick figure. But if I tell you it is, you'll be like "Wow, that's pretty awesome for a stick figure!" instead of "Wow, that person sucks!"