Just now.
Reading old words
Of mine
Old, but so true
Even now.
Words of pain
Of blood
And blade.
Words of fear
And hate
And anger.
Bitter words,
Hurt words,
Tears.
And my tears flowed again.
Because what has changed?
What pain has left?
What shadows have lifted,
What darkness has departed?
You know the answer
You know what I will say...
Nothing!
Pain, darkness, shadows...
All still here
All still overpower
What is the use, Father God?
Where is your help?
Your strength?
What of your promises?
I wear a mask again
I hide from those who care
Oh, my lover...do you see?
Do you know
That for every time I tell you
I am "sad"
Two more are hidden
Because I know
The frustration you feel
So I keep it from you.
Do you know, my love,
That I had only two weeks
Of freedom?
That the hours are counted
In your absence
Because I miss you, yes...
But also because
When you are here...
I cannot cut
And bloodthoughts
Are more easily
Pushed aside.
Every time I am weak enough
To burrow into your shoulder
In darkness
Is a time longings for blood
Are almost too much
A time the darkness
Is close to winning
And it is not "sadness!"
Sadness is momentary
Here for a bit, then gone
This is darkness!
This is the absence of light
Of joy, of hope
And when you say
"Talk to Meyer, he can help"
I may outwardly agree
But I know it's hopeless
I've been talking for a year
And more.
Where has it gotten me?
I talked to my dad
Today.
He asked how I was...
The mask said, "good."
He believed it.
It made him happy.
But if I were to pick up
A blade
I would not tell him
If blood were
Running
Down my arm
Or tears down my cheeks
The answer still would be
"Good."
I have friends that care
But they no longer ask
And I, I have the mask.
Do they ever wonder?
Who knows? Does it matter?
And so I hide in myself
Sometimes alone
Sometimes lonely
Sometimes both
But the mask is neither
It is all things
To all men
And I yearn for blood!
But for now
I will stay strong
Or pretend to
Either way
I won't give in.
Not today.
