I drew this all by myself...in paint. Bow before me, mere mortals.

this is why I don't do Princesses

Royal Red (and violet)

Blue Star

In Brown

Star Light, Star Bright...

Pale

Flower

Encircled

Entwined

this one is my favorite

Thing Two

Thing Three

Blue Square, Ish

Thing One

A New Synopsis

I did not come to this conclusion with rejoicing. I came to it with fear, with sorrow and tears. I wanted to believe. I wanted to ignore the lies, close my eyes to the failure of my faith. I could not.

I could not go on believing. Some people have the faith, the perseverance to continue through years of doubt, and come out stronger. I am not among their number. I blamed my sorrow on my past, and what remained, on my actions. I earnestly searched for God, and when he was not found, I bore the shame of a failed relationship. For God is perfect, I was told, any fault must be in me. It drove me down deeper into the shame that was my life. My past created the shame (though it should not have); failure to please my Deity drove it deeper. I went to counselor after counselor, my shame too deep for friends to hear. Their advice, though varied and well-meaning, only made the message clearer: if a fault existed between me and my God, I was the only one to blame. I believed them. But I could not find him. I searched. I grew weary and walked away and came back to search some more. Sometimes I convinced myself I had found him, but always I grew discouraged for lack of a response. But then…

I stopped.

I asked why a God who loves had allowed my past. I asked how a God who controls offers free will. I asked all the questions with no answers…and found I had no more faith to cover the flaws. I mourned what happened to me, the loss of faith stripped me of the last of my innocence. I could no longer hide in “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” But what happens now, now that I have no faith to cover me, no Rock to lean my convictions upon? Now I must make my way alone. Now I must make my own standard, now I must choose my own way. People speak of faith being hard; ha! Faith was easy compared to this. What is right? And what is wrong? And why?

So now what? What do I believe now, now that faith has departed? I believe that there is a God; at least, I believe there is a force that either created this world or set evolution in motion. Or perhaps formed our existence another way altogether. I believe the Bible is a work of fiction, written and preserved by man. I do not believe in Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, or any other religion of the world. I make my own way. I pull from Christianity that which I think good. Perhaps I shall do the same for the rest. I live life as I have always done, within the confines of that which my conscience currently calls good. When I carved my own flesh, I thought that good (although now I feel it was wrong. But who can say? I survived when I might have died). When I followed Christ, I thought that right. What I believe is right may change tomorrow, or next year. Few things are constant, and though I live mainly by logic, I would be the first to say that logic changes. What is reasonable now may not be later.

I realize that I have said much of this before. I will probably write something similar in the future. But each new writing reveals (to me as well as to you) a new facet of my beliefs as they evolve. And now I must ask you something. My conscience does not let me stand idle as others are held in a trap of lies. What is your faith based on? How do you answer the unanswerable questions? Do you even know what they are? How do you rejoice in a God who is with you through trials when you believe he created those trials? Why do you believe?