A Life Wasted in Waiting

I have wasted so much time waiting for a Savior. I believed them when they told me I could not find strength save in Christ. I waited through years of abuse; I searched through years of pain and tears. They told me when I turned to cutting that I needed him instead, that only he could provide relief. When I became enslaved to cutting, they told me only he could free me.

I was deceived. They lied to me.

I have grown. I have matured. They try to tell me this is Christ, but they are wrong. Christ has done nothing for me. I conquered cutting. I have laid to rest my own pain. I am done waiting for a Savior when I have already saved myself. I have wasted too much believing in my own weakness. I am not weak. I have survived. I am strong.

So farewell, O Christ. I do not doubt thy existence, for I have seen thy hand in nature, at least. If thou hast saved me from damnation, I thank thee. I have only thy word that I was damned. But I do not need thee. What good my life has known, I have brought, as I have brought my own pain. I have used thee to excuse my own laziness and weakness, and praised thee for my own strength. No more. Thou hast not helped nor hindered me. Thou hast had nothing to do wth me, and now I will have nothing more to do with thee.

So be it.

The Conqueror Has Come, and It Is I

I have conquered cutting. I alone. No Savior guided my path, no Father lit my steps. I walked alone. I fought alone, and in my own strength prevailed. So if he was absent during the darkest battles, why should I seek him now that combat has ceased? Where in life has he aided me? I endured the One Thing alone, and alone I ended it. I faced the backlash and utter ruin of my life by myself. He was not there when I begged and pleaded for his love, nor when I turned my back and walked away. Spiritually, I am still alone, as I have always been. I used to be weak. I have become strong. I will serve no master. I will be slave to neither cutting nor Christ. What need have I of him? I have faced the deepest darkness and emerged by my own power. When there were only one set of footprints in the sand - then, as always, I walked alone. I will not say that I faced the worst that life has to offer, though I can hope that is so. But what I have faced is great, and I have overcome. So cease to woo me, my Father! I do not desire you. I do not need you. You were not here when my need was greatest; you should not attempt to be here now. In weakness I desired you, in desperation I turned to you - but you closed your eyes, you refused to hear. I stumbled and fell and nearly died, but I survived. In your absence I turned to the blade, and as destructive as that was, it never failed to answer my need as you have failed. I do not need you. Begone.

Hark!

Hark!
Listen!
Strain your ears
Open your senses -
Do you hear?

The siren song has faded
The melody of blood
Lies achingly silent.

When did it cease?
What force could quiet
The haunting melody?

When did revulsion
Replace blind desire?
What broke the chains?

Hark!
Listen!
Strain your ears
Open your senses -
Do you hear?

A few faint strains
Float past, born on the breeze...
No longer seduction -
A hideous cacophony,
It repulses me.