Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bloody Leaves

Leaves used to stand for growth
For battles fought and victories won
But like so many other things
Are corrupted, changed, perverted now

Carved into skin instead of drawn
Outlined in blood instead of ink
They call for growth, a different kind
Of more leaves carved and blood outlined

A part of me shows beauty now
A part of which I'm proud
The rest of me I still despise
I harm and injure what I hate

It is not wrong to cut my flesh
To alter what disgusts me
It is not wrong to find release
To relieve the chains I'm bound in

So let "growth" come to me
Let bloody leaves now spread
And then perhaps one day I
Can see myself as beautiful

This is Failure


This is what failure looks like. It is not beautiful. It is not poetic. It is failure. It is lies and hiding. It is carving in living skin. It is blood. It is a perversion of what used to stand for growth. It is a continued statement that God is not enough. It is not pretty. It is a denial of truth. It is selfishness. It is temporary. It is permanent.

This is what failure looks like. Do not copy it. Do not seek to emulate it. Do not desire its pain. Do not desire its release. Do not let it tempt you. Do not start.

This is what failure looks like. This is what it is like to be in bondage.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Failure is Beautiful

Failure is beautiful
Crimson flowing down
Leaves twining around
"Love" written large

Failure is beautiful
Lonely "accident"
Close set parallels
All together - lovely

Failure is beautiful
Peace surrounding
Tranquility abounding
Pain obtaining joy

Failure is beautiful
Failure of God's way
Failure of my desire
But still so beautiful

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Prayer, Father God

Father God, judge me, and when I am found wanting, chasten me. Show me your hand, even if it must be in judgment. I have fallen too far too fast, Abba, at least inside, in my heart. I threaten to uproot months of growth in this struggle with hate and pain and fear. Because even in those months of growth I have not found in you my all-sufficiency. My heart still desires its own way, the way way that has been proven to work. Father God, why is your help so gradual, so slow in coming? I am not eternal, you know that. If I wait years for you to even show your hand to me, what will be left of my life? Is it so wrong to desire help now? I said that my way works, and it does, but it is a poor, and at best, temporary, solution, nothing like what I know you could do if you so desired. What is the purpose in waiting, Abba? I've waited years for help, as my scars multiply and fade and grow anew. My blood is like drugs, Father God...unable to fix the problem, only alleviate the symptoms for a while. But the pain is too great, I cannot wait more years for its removal. I am trying to find you through the pain, but it is a veil of shadows between us. Part the shadows, bathe me in light. Drive the pain from my soul. I beg of you, my Father, my God! Please!

Two Full Years

Two full years;
Years of pain,
Years of tears.
Blade and blood
Overwhelm.
Son and Love
Matter not;
Only pain,
Only tears.

Where was God?
Was he found?
Was he there?
Did he care?
Possibly.

Pain and fear
Found release
Not in God
But in harm
Harm, to heal
Harm, to live
Harm, to love.
Not in God
Are these found.
Wish they were.
Wish God worked,
Find release
In his Son.

Wish I could
Love God more
Trust God more
Live for him
Not for pain.

Two full years
Years of pain,
Years of tears.