A Prayer, Father God

Father God, judge me, and when I am found wanting, chasten me. Show me your hand, even if it must be in judgment. I have fallen too far too fast, Abba, at least inside, in my heart. I threaten to uproot months of growth in this struggle with hate and pain and fear. Because even in those months of growth I have not found in you my all-sufficiency. My heart still desires its own way, the way way that has been proven to work. Father God, why is your help so gradual, so slow in coming? I am not eternal, you know that. If I wait years for you to even show your hand to me, what will be left of my life? Is it so wrong to desire help now? I said that my way works, and it does, but it is a poor, and at best, temporary, solution, nothing like what I know you could do if you so desired. What is the purpose in waiting, Abba? I've waited years for help, as my scars multiply and fade and grow anew. My blood is like drugs, Father God...unable to fix the problem, only alleviate the symptoms for a while. But the pain is too great, I cannot wait more years for its removal. I am trying to find you through the pain, but it is a veil of shadows between us. Part the shadows, bathe me in light. Drive the pain from my soul. I beg of you, my Father, my God! Please!