New Year Dawning

A new year has dawned. And for the first time in years, it seems likely to be a normal one. No cutting, no false friends, no giving up on motherhood, no court battles...just me, my husband, and my son, living life as we were meant to. And this is a great thing, or should be. The problem is, I don't know what to do with a normal year! Pain has been my only constant for so many years that I don't know what to do in its absence. And it is not as if the pain has just disappeared, anyway. My past has not been suddenly changed; all the pains, trials, heartaches, betrayals, and memories that have molded me into who I am today have not been forgotten. They have, however, been overshadowed: not replaced, but demoted. I have made new friends, new family, new joys, new memories. And for the first time since I can remember, these are the life events I am now free to enjoy, to savor, to remember. So what will a new, "normal" year bring? Something that, ironically, I never found in Christ: "life, and that more abundantly."

But it will bring that only if this present darkness takes its leave. I will fight for joy, for freedom, as long as I am able, but as I do not choose this darkness, so it does not listen to my pleas. I will admit that I am frightened. Pain and darkness have been too close my companions for far too long, and my all-too-brief stint of freedom makes me that much more loathe to have them return. But even as they start their inexorable slide back into my life, I have one thing to comfort me: hope. I now know that no matter how long or how deep this darkness binds me, one day I will be free again. One day I will look at the world in freedom. One day I will smile unfeigned and laugh unrestrained. That day was not today, but I have hope that it will be tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, the next day. And if not then, someday the sun WILL shine again.

I look at these two paragraphs I have written, and realize that at first glance they seem to say opposite things. The first one speaks of freedom, the second one of darkness. How can they both be true at once? But as you look closer, you start to see the darkness behind the first...darkness that has never truly left. I talk of freedom, and I mean what I say...I have been free these last few months. Compared to what my life has been before, I have been living in paradise! But even in the midst of all this sunshine and light, I have been aware of the darkness returning. For I've still had bad days, and as they come faster and closer together, I know I am descending into a darkness I'd rather not face. That is what you see in the second paragraph. But I do have hope, because I have tasted freedom and seen light, and while I know I cannot choose when I will return here, I know that I will, one day.

But for now, I will enjoy what light-filled days life brings me, and endure through the dark ones, knowing that one day I will again walk in sunshine.

Comment Response (I Think)

So how much faith does it take to be a Christian? The Bible talks of faith "smaller than a mustard seed," does it not? I consider myself an exChristian, because if the Bible were true, I would be "saved." A lot of people (most recently Varda) have tried to invalidate my rejection of Christianity on the basis that "I must have never been saved to begin with," therefore I have no understanding of what it is to be a Christian. I was merely pointing out that, having "called upon the name of the Lord" I should be saved. Or having accepted "the gift of God which is eternal life." Or having trusted that it was "not by works of righteousness which I have done, but according to his mercy, he saved me." (By the way, why am I the only one that has quoted Scripture thus far?) The way I have worded some things is, I think, what has caused Varda to believe that I was attempting to work for my salvation, so for that, I would have to apologize. Sorry, Varda. By the Bible's standards, however, I was a child of God, a born again believer. And while you are free to believe otherwise, I would just like to ask you then...are you God, to judge a person's heart? Certainly you can talk of "by your fruits you shall know them," but even given that, you cannot judge with certainty whether I was or was not saved. (In one sense, you might consider me still saved, as there is that whole "once saved, always saved" concept to consider.)

As for your other comment, I don't believe that mine is the only rational viewpoint. I think there are a lot of rational viewpoints out there, religious or otherwise. I (gently, hopefully) mocked some of Varda's viewpoints because, well, she isn't presenting them rationally. She is picking apart my posts, twisting them, and responding to "me" about things I haven't actually said or believe. I do believe that Christianity as a whole is untrue. I base that on my experience. But I will admit that, not having had your experience, I cannot fully argue the truth of Christianity for you. I'm not trying to argue the relativity of truth (which would be a discussion for another time entirely anyway), just saying that while I can, on one hand, emphatically state that the Bible is a lie, on the other hand, I realize that you (or at least Varda) would emphatically state that it is truth. I believe you are wrong, but you are correct in pointing out that it is a belief. However, it is a belief based on rational logic and facts. That is where Christianity breaks down. It asks you to believe a great number of opposite and illogical things, because God (according to the Bible) said so. I won't get into those now because I've pointed them out before. Anyway, there is a reason my belief system currently goes by the name "pragmatic agnosticism." You can google (or wikipedia) that if you wish, but basically it means that while I could be wrong about the existence of God (and therefore about the truth of the Bible and Christianity), given that God has made no clearly discernible difference in the world, it is a moot point. (Yes, I realize Christians would disagree about God making a difference. But for everything they would like to say God has done, I could point out a completely nonreligious explanation.)

I started this in the comments section but since it turned out so long I will just post it on the main page. As with yesterday, if I come back to this after actually having had that wondrous thing called sleep and grammatically or logically I've had issues, my apologies. And just in case you were wondering, yes, being illogically terrified of sleeping does indeed suck. (Although I'm not sure being illogically terrified of sleeping has much to do with the fact that I haven't slept, since even when I try to go to sleep it hasn't worked well.)

I just wanted to thank Varda for giving me a good chuckle and a few head shakings, and promise her I shall respond to at least some of her responses. It is hard when you spend a few months on a blog and someone decides to respond to it...and misunderstands and misrepresents every single post. I guess such is life, and Christianity. Rest assured, though, Varda, I will get back to you. In the meantime, though, check out this blog, written while I was a Christian (until last July of course, since that was when I left "the Faith") and answer me why I would ever go back to the life I lived then. Or why I would not do my best to snatch my friends from that bondage (and it is no less a bondage if you love your jailer).

One last thing before I go, one thing I had to respond to: you talk as though I (and Lalaith) were never Christians, that we never loved God, that we could never understand this mystical love relationship with him because we were never sincere. To put it most bluntly and shortly: you are dead wrong. I was a Christian. My faith (though sorely misplaced) was real. I believed the Bible, I believed in salvation, I "called upon the name of the Lord" and should have been "saved"...did such a thing as salvation exist. But, to be even more blunt, such a thing does not exist. I never had a relationship with God, never loved him as you think Christians ought to, because He doesn't exist either. I wanted to. I lived my life wondering why I didn't. I sought him earnestly, as the Bible said I ought to (which you referred to as "trying to earn salvation"...if obeying the Bible is trying to earn salvation then you're all screwed). I wasn't knocking faith as a concept in my post; I was pointing out that no matter how plainly I say it, firmly I believe it, or irrefutably I prove it, you (and most Christians) will never accept that truth, because you have "faith" that the opposite is true.

Anyway. That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I shall say more later, providing I'm awake and don't have other pressing business *cough cough World of Warcraft cough cough* to attend to.

I may come back and find all kinds of typos and spelling errors (like the fact that somehow i just tried to spell error "hours"); my excuse is that I've been up about 22 hours now (on 5 hours of interrupted sleep). Anyway. Catch you later.

You Are Not Persecuted

Christians like to talk of persecution. And I will admit, in some places Christians do face loss or even death for their beliefs. But American Christians like to say how they were persecuted for their faith the other day...when someone looked at them crosswise for bowing their head in public. Or when they were being loudmouthed about how gay people are such horrible sinners and someone told them they ought to practice love. In fact, it seems to me that the majority of this "persecution" American Christians (and I'd like to clarify: not all American Christians act this way. Just a great many.) like to tell each other about, is merely people expecting Christians to act according to their calling. That is not the worst of it, however. These same Christians engage in persecution of anyone they deem a "sinner." They wish to force their religious beliefs on those homosexuals who wish to make the ultimate commitment to each other. They call us blind, twisted, unable to love or find peace. I think they are the blind ones. Never in my life was I persecuted for being a Christian. I was persecuted, while a Christian, by Christians, for being a cutter. I was persecuted for sleeping with my fiance (and by persecution I do not mean getting kicked out of school. That was right, as we did violate the rules. I am referring to the ostracizing that they enforced on me after that. And if you do not believe me, I've kept all the emails.). And I have been persecuted ever since I rejected Christianity, with sincere Christians calling for all other sincere Christians to pray for my death. In case you are missing the irony here, let me spell it out for you. Those who are supposed to be the harbingers of eternal life, are calling for me to die. So, I do not wish to hear about your "persecution" because someone said calling a homosexual a "perverted faggot" was not very loving. You have nothing of which to complain.

To My Parents

I can see your pain

I know that it's there

I try to ignore it

But don't think I don't care

I know it has happened

The day that you feared

I dismissed all you taught me,

The way I was reared

I searched and found truth

You knew not you had lied

Now the look in your eyes is

As though someone has died

I wish I could save you

I would take all your tears

I'd take all your sorrows

And erase all your fears

But I can't close my eyes

I will not be deceived

So I let your tears fall

And your pain goes unrelieved

Perhaps one day you'll join me

One day you too will be free

But for now I still love you

And I know you still love me

Chain Gang

The difference between doing a good thing because you must and doing a good thing because it is a good thing is the difference between a chain gang* building a much-needed road and a group of volunteers building it. The good gets accomplished, but one group was forced into it, while the other group did it willingly. Which one, do you suppose, felt good about his work? Which one enjoyed it? I will give you a hint: it wasn't the chain gang. In the same way, I feel much better about doing good things now than I did when I was a Christian. Then, I had to do it, because my God demanded it. Now, I do it only because my conscience suggests it. And I feel good about my work in the same way a group of volunteers looks at their efforts and feels accomplished, while the chain gang says "well, that's one more hard labor completed, on to the next one." Sure, there might be the rare member of a chain gang who, even though forced into his work, feels a sense of pride and accomplishment in it, just as there would be members of the volunteers who felt pressured into helping. But those are the exception, not the rule. I could even point out, that even though the chain gang performed a good task, they are neither praised nor rewarded for it, by anyone. They are doing it as penance for the crimes they committed, or even merely because their warden demanded that they should. I can not help but see the similarities to Christianity there, as well; just replace "crimes they committed" with "inherent sin nature" and "warden" with "God." The volunteers saw a need, and filled it, and reap not only the reward their own conscience gives them, but also the esteem of their peers. Now tell me, which would you rather be, chain gang or volunteer?

*For any who might not know what a chain gang is, it is a group of prison inmates who, instead of sitting in a cell, are forced to work while they serve their term. They used to be (and I don't know how much chain gangs actually exist anymore) chained together in some sense while they worked, hence the term "chain gang."

Nothing to Prove

I have lost the need to write constantly about my decision to reject Christianity. I have nothing to prove. Christianity lives or dies by faith. Faith is not logical, it does not accept proof, or facts, or reason. It lives by its own rules and its own beliefs. So I can prove nothing to a Christian, unless they already have their own doubts. I may plant the seed that one day flourishes into doubt; I hope I do. But I will never be able to prove anything to people who, when faced with irrefutable truth, simply say, "I believe the opposite, because the Bible says so."

In another sense, though, I do not feel the need to write constantly about my own new beliefs and values. They are what they are, and I do not need validation from anyone, even those who agree with me, to hold them. That is the main reason I write less now. I am confident in my viewpoint in a way I never was with Christianity. Half of my writing for the last several years has been as much to convince me as anyone else that my faith was real. Because it was misplaced, I was fighting a losing battle, a battle I did eventually lose.

I am not perfect. I never was. But now I no longer have to strive for perfection. No one is going to say to me, "your ex-Christianity is not good enough," and if they did, I would laugh in their face most heartily. I do not think it is bad to write about these things, especially as I am doing it right now, but the reason I have not written nearly so much is that I have no need. I am complete in and of myself.

Freedom to Live

There are a lot more of us out there than one might think. By "us," I mean those who have questioned the Christianity we were raised with, and come out calling ourselves "ex-Christian." We have seen through the hypocrisy and the lies, we refuse to accept on blind faith the inconsistencies of our former religion.

But what do we do now? All change is difficult in some respect, however necessary it is. But when the change is as huge as this one, our lives are turned upside down. Christianity dominated our lives; we were taught to do everything as a Christian, even eat or drink. And so we ask, "if I remove Christianity, what do I have left? Will not my life be completely pointless?" Do not give in to those thoughts, seeker. That is what Christianity wants you to think. You can and ought to have a life free from the false constrictions of religion. Rejecting Christianity is not the death of your existence, but rather the birth. Christianity does not have a monopoly on joy, or happiness, or love, though it might think it does. Lalaith has found love apart from Christ. I still love and am loved. And we are both happier than we ever were while we held to a belief that punished us for everything from our doubts to our desires.

Ex-Christian is a daunting title. It means you must no longer rely on a faceless, formless God or his supposed Word for your direction. You are free to, and must, seek your own way. You now have both great freedom, and great responsibility. You are free to do as you choose, and to answer only to your own conscience, and that is great freedom indeed. But you can no longer say, "that is right (or wrong) because the Bible says so." You are the sole determination of your own morality, and that is a great responsibility. But that is not to say you must reject the morality of the Bible. Loving your neighbor is likely a good thing, and I daresay most would agree murder is still wrong. You can pick and choose what agrees with your conscience. In the end, you will not answer to God. You will answer to your own conscience and give account to yourself for how you lived your own life.

It is true, it is no use to wait for God to tell you what direction you should take in your life. So what direction do you want to take, seeker? What do you like to do, what calling do you desire? You can do anything you want, you know. Nothing is withheld from you. You are free to choose.

Do you see what I mean about this being a birth, new life? It is still daunting to completely discard everything your life has stood for until this point. It is even natural to feel a sense of loss. But do not wallow in that loss. Look forward to what you now possess. Relish your freedom, and do not waste too much time looking back, to what was. Look forward! See what new adventures are in store for you! You have new landscapes to explore, new treasures to seek. Your shackles have been broken! Go and be free!

Biography

A lifetime of pains and fears
Vanquished in an instant of truth
The fault was not in me
I did not lack for faith and hope
Though many told me so
The lack of love not mine but his
Sorrow his sole reward

He damned me for existence
For word, for thought, for smile
Deception of myself, I thought
Him happy, and I his child
I read his word, prayed for aid
And silence his sole reply

Forsaken, I struggled still
I sought to do his will
I fought and failed his love to win
Not knowing I'd been damned
I turned to friend and elder
To staunch the flow of doubts
"He sends this pain, but trust!"
They said. "His love is your sole need."

But then I really looked, and saw
My soul had been deceived
He said he was composed of love
But now I saw the lie
In all the years I wept and sought
He never showed his face
He showed not love to me
But cold indifference in my need

I reject thee, O Christ, O God, Jehovah
I name thee for what thou art
Deceiver, Liar, King of Hate
I shall never bow to thee again
Thou hast wasted my gift of years
And given nothing in return

So now I make my way alone
I have no guiding light
I search for truth, no more deceived
I now unweave the tangled web.

Biblical Rape

I've been reading a lot on the internet today. I started with this post. (Also, just fyi, Incongruous Circumspection is an awesome blog that you should read ALL of.) Then of course I went to the post he is referring to, here. I did manage to read it but apparently since then it's been taken down. If it was because it was a horrible post, then yay! If it's so they stop getting bashed on the web, I suppose that's understandable. Being a thorough type of gal I also looked at this one, this one, and also this one. Here is the part that has been causing such controversy:

A final aspect of rape that should be briefly mentioned is perhaps closer to home. Because we have forgotten the biblical concepts of true authority and submission, or more accurately, have rebelled against them, we have created a climate in which caricatures of authority and submission intrude upon our lives with violence.
When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts. This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed.
But we cannot make gravity disappear just because we dislike it, and in the same way we find that our banished authority and submission comes back to us in pathological forms. This is what lies behind sexual “bondage and submission games,” along with very common rape fantasies. Men dream of being rapists, and women find themselves wistfully reading novels in which someone ravishes the “soon to be made willing” heroine. Those who deny they have any need for water at all will soon find themselves lusting after polluted water, but water nonetheless.
True authority and true submission are therefore an erotic necessity. When authority is honored according to the word of God it serves and protects — and gives enormous pleasure. When it is denied, the result is not “no authority,” but an authority which devours. - Doug Wilson

Doug Wilson and I of course are going to disagree right off the bat because he believes in God and I do not. That isn't exactly what all the hullabaloo is about, though. The way this quote is worded could be (and has, all over the internet) taken as espousing marital rape. After all, the man "conquers" and the woman "surrenders." He has insisted that he is not espousing rape at all, and for now I will take his word for that. Of course, we have no word on if Wilson, like many patriarchal partisans, believes a man cannot rape his wife. It's not a very modern view. It's not a kind or loving view at all. It is, however, a biblical view. Granted, the same biblical view says that a woman cannot rape her husband either. Their bodies belong to each other, that view says, so they are only taking what is already there. Like I said, thought, we don't know if Doug Wilson believes that particularly revolting bit of the Bible or not. He certainly does believe that the woman must submit to the man in all things, including sex.