New Year Dawning

A new year has dawned. And for the first time in years, it seems likely to be a normal one. No cutting, no false friends, no giving up on motherhood, no court battles...just me, my husband, and my son, living life as we were meant to. And this is a great thing, or should be. The problem is, I don't know what to do with a normal year! Pain has been my only constant for so many years that I don't know what to do in its absence. And it is not as if the pain has just disappeared, anyway. My past has not been suddenly changed; all the pains, trials, heartaches, betrayals, and memories that have molded me into who I am today have not been forgotten. They have, however, been overshadowed: not replaced, but demoted. I have made new friends, new family, new joys, new memories. And for the first time since I can remember, these are the life events I am now free to enjoy, to savor, to remember. So what will a new, "normal" year bring? Something that, ironically, I never found in Christ: "life, and that more abundantly."

But it will bring that only if this present darkness takes its leave. I will fight for joy, for freedom, as long as I am able, but as I do not choose this darkness, so it does not listen to my pleas. I will admit that I am frightened. Pain and darkness have been too close my companions for far too long, and my all-too-brief stint of freedom makes me that much more loathe to have them return. But even as they start their inexorable slide back into my life, I have one thing to comfort me: hope. I now know that no matter how long or how deep this darkness binds me, one day I will be free again. One day I will look at the world in freedom. One day I will smile unfeigned and laugh unrestrained. That day was not today, but I have hope that it will be tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, the next day. And if not then, someday the sun WILL shine again.

I look at these two paragraphs I have written, and realize that at first glance they seem to say opposite things. The first one speaks of freedom, the second one of darkness. How can they both be true at once? But as you look closer, you start to see the darkness behind the first...darkness that has never truly left. I talk of freedom, and I mean what I say...I have been free these last few months. Compared to what my life has been before, I have been living in paradise! But even in the midst of all this sunshine and light, I have been aware of the darkness returning. For I've still had bad days, and as they come faster and closer together, I know I am descending into a darkness I'd rather not face. That is what you see in the second paragraph. But I do have hope, because I have tasted freedom and seen light, and while I know I cannot choose when I will return here, I know that I will, one day.

But for now, I will enjoy what light-filled days life brings me, and endure through the dark ones, knowing that one day I will again walk in sunshine.