Saturday, January 30, 2010

She's Dropping

borrowed from a friend

she drops to the floor
like the tears she so frequently cries
she screams at the silence
as pieces of her heart die

will she survive?

she's dropping like stars
look at her arms
and see all her scars
she was unprotected
and you were unaware

every time you looked her way
she hid her face behind her hair

she is looking for a way out
and the razors always seem to carve the way
leaving a trail of blood
and a mirror, so she can see herself decay

she is starving
and bleeding
and dying
do you see her?
do you care too?

there is a time
and a box of sharp objects
there is the spot
where she hurts herself

she is not going to cry
or at least that's what she said
you promised you would care
but she's used to words lying there dead

thought in her head
spinning at the speed of darkness
she is covered in shame
and her hair is a mess


she's dropping
like the hearts that once floated around her head
she's dying
but wishes she were already dead

she calls a friend
hoping she'll care
not knowing the end
was already there

the friend was to busy
and her parents were never there
who in this world
would dare to show that they care

"I Love You"
these words ring in her ears
like a curse of night
or the fire fly

"I hate you"
this is what she whispers
and she wonders if there is anyone
who would be willing to contradict her

she's dropping
like stars
and hiding the scars
longing to hurt herself, to make the pain cease
she knows that her heart ache will only increase

no one around
she wonders who would save her
she wants help
but wishes she were braver

she's alone
on the floor
staring at her box
where the razor lays so peacefully
she looks at her wrists, regretting
she knows why she made each tare in her skin
she knows why her wrists are so thin
she sees scars and remembers when
the color red, it makes her feel ashamed
the rest of her story, will it be un-named?
who should be blamed?

no one to turn to
she turns to her wall
looks up to the ceiling
and begins to call

HELP ME
SOMEONE
ANYONE
PLEASE
I am lost
I am on my knees

she crawls to box and lifts up her hands
her skin is cut up, left it in strands

HELP ME
SOMEONE
ANYONE
PLEASE
and the peaceful box
becomes chaos, and misery

HELP ME...
she cries!
SOME ONE? ANYONE? PLEASE!!
I am desperate for saving!

and all of the sudden
she feels the breeze
a soft wind across her face
she hears in her broken heart
that she is not alone
and though she has been torn, she can restart

"I love you"
these words ring in her heart
like a blessing,
some motivation to fight

"I hate you"
she still wants to believe
but she has found her hero
and knows only he can relieve

relieve her pain
take her burden
understand her heaviness

she drops to the floor
like the tears
she so frequently cried
she surrenders her fears
and moves to the light

she has come alive
and has leaned to let herself feel
with the strength of the hero
she will let herself be real

no need to hide
no need to be ashamed
We are in the light
and covered in he flame

The hero calls her name
"I Love You"

she finally believes
finally receives the helping hand
and she gives her heart to this, more than a man

She sees his scars
and she's dropping to the floor
knowing that he gave his life
that she could give so much more

she trades her scars
for his relief
her pain is to far
now, to feel old grief!!

she is free!!
she is Free!!
and she is still dropping,
but only to her knees

A Death

borrowed from a friend, and the basis of the poem "An Already Broken Heart"

A death
Of an already broken heart
I feel the flicker of a small flame
And convince myself that everything will be okay
What a lie!!

The flame is bigger than before
I had to go and open a door
Keys in my pocket
And a torn picture in a tarnished locket

I am done
I have let the darkness in
And Let the fear reside in my already tormented heart

I am falling apart
Falling to my knees
But if I hit the ground
All it means is that I failed
Failed again…

Happily ever after
I refuse to chase
I can’t smile, or be drenched in laughter
I am hiding behind a cement face

I can’t let you see me cry
Can’t let you know I am about to die
Exaggerated smiles can’t save me now

The flicker is now a forest fire
Burning all of me down
The smoke enters in my lungs
And I just lay there letting myself drown

I am so done
The battle was won
The war is far from over though
So now I lay here refusing to go
Wishing and pleading to just not know

Who am I?
Who are you?
Time to fly
But my wings are glued

A death
Of an already broken heart
The end of one more breathe
And the ability to restart

Why don’t I just take your hand?
And let you help me
I know I can’t do this on my own
I am blind, and can not see


A death
A final breath
A final beat
My broken heart
Now ceases to be

He Was Right

borrowed from a friend

He turns to me
he smiles
then he goes on to say
"you are a different girl,
you can see on your face"

he was right
I'm not the same girl
I'm wearing different masks
to please the different people in this world

to bad I'm good at fooling
even the man who who can see through people
couldn't even see through me anymore
I guess my mask got to thick
with all the cement
make up
and pain

ribbons on my wrist
hide scars
and the lipstick I once wore
is smeared on different stars

He turns to me
he smiles
then he goes on to say,
"you are a different girl
you can see it on your face.
I love you."

he was right
I'm not the same girl
he loves who he sees
but that is not me

the reflection lies
and he couldn't see the real me through my eyes

so now what...

he was right
I'm not the same..

I've Built a Wall


borrowed from a friend

I have built a wall
of razor blades
I have created a mask of smoke
and I float away
on the secrets dripping off my black stained lips
lies have created my spine
and the claws inserted from the darkness
hold it in place
I have forgotten faces
and misplaced places
there's nothing left to do
my hair falls in my cement face
and covers what use to be my eyes
you would never know me,
if I took off my disguise
all I know is going up in flames
and seeing scars
only brings more shame
I'm tired
but I'm still chained
in this game
my prison walls are made of bones
and though I fall
I remain alone
cold and separate
though I share my heart
I know I'm the one that broke it
so I put the pieces
on a glass
and hope someone still wants it
they lust for my love
and they push and they shove
when will I have enough
my wings have been ripped out
and soaked in sulfer seas
my halo is broken now just like me
my skin is crying
and my bones are aching
this is to much for me to take
I am worthy, only to break
so break me
and crush me
then leave me there alone
Ive been through this before
I can fix my own
falling on my broken knees
and bowing my head to pray
then with one word "please"
I recall what I did today and yesterday
I feel ashamed
I'm to blame
chaos is my fualt
but I'll keep myself locked in this vault
don't let me ou
tI can't be in the light
only the stars can see me now
what have I got to lose
if I'm am nothing anyways
yes, it hurts to choose
or at least that is what everyone says
I lay here breathing
I lay here wishing
I was leaving
I only want to run away
I only want to stay
there is too much inside of me
and I let everything that was once good go to waste
I can taste satan's lips
and i breath in to recognize his smell
like nicotine
and pills
this time he's here to kill
save me
reach for me
don't let go
I know I'm heavy
and I know...
I know heroes
and zeros
all alike
please come to my rescue
i would ask for help if only i could trust you
but i lost you
i lost everyone
i lost myself
and came undone
now I'm wide open
I've built a wall of razor blades
and need to find a way out
I built a city around my soul
and now I'm trapped...
I'm up in flames
don't look at me
I'm nothing but bones and shame

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

An Already Broken Heart

The death
Of an already broken heart
Is a thing to be feared.
Who would be so cruel?
Who would crush
The already fragile spirit?
Life is so cruel.
What need of extra pains
To weigh the burdened heart?
Life weighs heavily enough.

Life broke my heart
Crushed my already fragile spirit.
Now I'm bound by a chain
Forged of blades and tempered in blood.
But life is not the forger;
I am.
The chain binds the
Pieces of my heart together.
It hold my fragile spirit
In its place.

Who is more cruel?
Life bruises to no purpose
Except to destroy.
I wound, if not to heal,
At least to shore up
My weakened defenses,
My hurting heart.

So do not crush
The already fainting spirit
Life does a good job of that
Already.
Do not destroy
The already broken heart
Of your worst enemy,
Much less your friend.

The death
Of an already broken heart
Is a thing
Cruel beyond words.
Be not the one whose hand
Deals the death-blow.
Be not so cruel.

Uma, Frodo

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand...there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts go too deep, that have have taken hold."
Exactly, Frodo. Look at me, compared to who I was a year ago. In some ways, I am the same, but in many others, I am almost a completely different person. I would not have called myself naive a year ago, but compared to now, I was. I have added layers of pain, yes, but they have me harder rather than more vulnerable. My fiance says that my hair cut and color make me look harder; I don't think he realizes that the events of this year have made me actually harder. Sure, things still touch me, still hurt me, but I have grown a lot less...soft. I am more aware of the way life is, more mature, less naive. Life is not fun and games, not hugs and puppies, not sunshine and light. Life is pain and hurt, darkness and shadow, grief and sorrow. Life is issue after problem after issue. These things I now know. I can never go back to who I was a year ago. I thought life was dark then..it was happiness and joy compared to now. I've learned a few things about myself this last year. I learned that when the blade is poised to cut over the vein, I do have the courage to slice. I found out that it's not just talk, I really don't give a damn what most people think. I've learned that I am a whole lot more manipulative than I thought I was. I have learned that I can actually do or not do things because of love. I have learned who my real friends are, and who only loves me when it's convenient or easy or allowed. I have let down my mask...and been reminded why it is that I wear it in the first place. And my mask has become better than ever before. I have learned that I am not alone, not unique...and yet I have never felt so alone. I have learned many things...about myself, about life, about people. And no matter how much I would like to regain the bliss of ignorance, I can't. And so Frodo is right: there are some hurts that are too deep, some changes that cannot be undone.

Tumult

Thoughts keep
Tumbling
Tumbling
Tumbling
Control...
Yeah, right
No plan
Drifting
Downstream
Swirling
Around
Floating
Nowhere
Tossing
Turning
Tumult

Pain

Do you know what it is like to live a life that is defined by the word "pain"? I, and many others, do. It is part, at least, of the reason we cut. Because the pain is overwhelming, and the blade brings at least temporary respite. That includes me. I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a year now, for cutting, suicide, and other things. And if I've learned one thing from it, it's that the pain never goes away. All the solutions I've ever heard of only teach us how to deal with the pain, not erase it. Even God's love, which is amazing. God's love has made me forget the pain for a little while, but even it (although my counselor would disagree, I'm sure) doesn't make the pain go away.
So, we cut. And even people who love us don't always help, at least in my experience. I wanted help, I wanted to stop cutting. So I told a few close friends about my struggle. At first, they were supportive. They went out of their way to help me, even having me over so I wasn't by myself, cutting. But slowly, they've changed. They still care about me, no doubt about that, but now when they know I'm struggling or have cut, it's like they get upset at me, rather than trying to help me. They keep telling me the same things they've been trying to tell me for months...the things that obviously aren't working. The main thing they tell me is that I shouldn't cut because it hurts the people I love...actually, the same thing they said when I was contemplating and attempted suicide. And I don't want to hurt them, no. I hate hurting them. But as I've said so many times...I can't live my life for other people. Sure, no man is an island; we all affect the people around us. But we all have to live our lives for ourselves. And my life just happens to be a life full of pain.
In some ways, I'm a classic cutter. I was molested as a child by a cousin and a brother, at different times. I would say that those, and their respective backlashes, were the start of my pain. And I've layered on many since then, many small pains that others find less disturbing ways to deal with (so why can't I?). Then this year alone, i was expelled from college, followed quickly by my parents withdrawing all financial support, and a few months later I was fired from my job. Those were some pretty big pains to add on to what I already have. I cut for all those pains.
But they aren't the only reasons I cut. Sometimes I cut...just because I want to. Sometimes I'm all cheerful and sunshiny, and out of nowhere the urge to cut hits me. So I do. Sometimes I'm angry at something, someone, or even myself, so I cut. Sometimes I've done something that deserves punishment, so I punish myself...with a razor blade. I've cut before because I had a migraine and i wanted the endorphin rush to take it away. (This actually works, by the way.) Hey, I've cut before just because I wanted the rush itself! The most common reason I cut, though, is probably stress. When I have so many bills, so many issues, so much going on, too many conflicting emotions...I cut then most of all.
So, I am a cutter. I have often wondered how much I am like other cutters, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. I am a cutter for my own reasons, and I want only this from you: Love, understanding, forgiveness, and never condemnation, even if I'm still cutting in three months...or three years.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Peaceful, Trusting

Peaceful
Trusting...
For my life,
Unreal.
It is only the fool
Who trusts
After his heart has been
Broken
Time and time again.
Some people deserve
To be trusted.
Many others
Not so much.
And I'd rather
Not trust the ones I can
(Like God?)
Than trust the others
And just get my heart
Broken.
Again.
As for peaceful, well...
That kinda goes with
Trusting.
So instead, I have
A little less peace
A little less trusand a heart
Unbroken.

No more tears!
I've done my time.
I'm winter, ice cold.
I am iron, stone.
Let nothing touch me
Let nothing break my heart.
I've picked up
The pieces
Too many times
And tried to move on.
No more.

I can hear you.
You're saying,
"But often it has been
Your own hand
That did the breaking
Your own actions
That shattered your life."
Yes.
You're right.
I did.
It hurts no less.
And that has
Nothing to do with
Trust.
But a lot to do
With iron.
Let my heart
Stay firm.

And if others
Try to push past
The stone wall...
Well, let them push.
They won't get far.

Don't Know, Can't Hurt

No guilt
No fear
Don't know
Can't hurt
Feel free

Razor!
Slices
Blood flows
No tears
Rush high
Feels good.
But they
Don't know
Can't hurt.

Leg stings
Feels good
I like
Most pain.
I'm weird?
Maybe
That's me.
Can hide
From you
You can't
See past
My mask.
Can't see
Can't hurt.
All good

She looks...
Watch out
My friend
Don't dig
Too deep
Don't find
What you
Seek for
Only
Darkness
Awaits.
What you
Can't see
Won't hurt.

No hope
Don't want
Fine where
I am.
Cuts solve
Nothing.
They can't.
Don't care
Like it.

Don't see
Can't hurt

Hyanda Ar' Agar

It's only really when I'm unsure
Of the path I want, of the purpose pure,
If I don't really want to fall...
Only then do to you I call

'Cause there are nights like tonight
When I don't wanna fight the fight
When you're a text or call away
But I don't want to even pray

Satan's already won this time
Right now he controls my mind
And I held out my hands to be bound tight
This time, didn't even try to fight

And now the tears begin their slide
But I don't really have to hide
Because aside from a silent phone
I'm here in my room all alone

In keeping their precious kids away
The deans just enable me to say
"I'm alone and cut off from
Almost all who could help, plus some."

BnK are great an all
And they've helped stop lots of falls
But the pain that makes blood run
Is part from feeling all alone!

Leaves in ink on skin, they grew
Bload-soaked leaves on paper, too
Forty days and forty nights
But Satan finally won the fight

Now he's calling me, and he stirs my pain
And he laughs at me, and yanks my chain
By chains of blood and blades I'm bound
And I won't reach out, so no help's found.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Smooth Skin

Smooth skin
Once, but
No more.
Criss-crossed
Raised lines
Patterned
Scarring.
One month
Two months
Or three...
Scars all
Still seen
Because
They fade
Never.

Silent
Tokens,
They scream.
Long past
Healing,
They burn.

Never
Forget,
They say.
Never
Forget
The pain.
Never
Forget
The loss.
Look down,
They scream.
You will
Never
Forget.
Run your
Hand down
Your arm.
You will
Never
Forget.

Life will
Go on
God still
Forgives.
But scars
Don't fade.

Sunshine Mask

What do you see
As you're looking at me?
Depends on who you are, I'd say
Because to everyone I look a different way
But everyone's seen the Sunshine Mask

He said, look at you!
I understand what you do
But the parents won't too
So I'm banning you
But the week before
I'd talked to him more
And he'd only see the Sunshine Mask

She said, you're a child of light
But your darkness I can't fight
So how about you leave me be
Before your darkness spreads to me
So the end's like the start
She don't wanna see my heart
So...she can see the Sunshine Mask

He said, I know you better than some
And I see how far you've come
I've watched you start to grow
It's starting to show
You're a child of light
You need to show the right
Is he seeing the Sunshine Mask?

He said, I love you, you know
To me your darkness you can show
I'll never run and hide
If your heart lets me inside
But I've seen his darkness too
And I know what both together can do
Does he need to see the Sunshine Mask?

It's a mask
Need you ask?
It shows light
It's not right
Let it hide
What's inside
Shine the light
Fight the fight
Do what's right
Show the right

That's not real
What you feel
Hide the dark
Show a spark
Make it seem
Like you're clean

It's not me
Don't you see?
Need you ask?
It's the Sunshine Mask!

Fallen Angel


I used to be
An angel.
Don't laugh!
I've fallen far.
I used to have
Wings.
White as snow
And six feet across
And beautiful.
I used to soar
Across the heavens
Hand in hand
With the other
Angels
And with
God.
God is beautiful.
But then I
Looked away from
His face.
I said, there is
Something else.
Something...
Better.
More beautiful.
He warned me.
He said child
Don't go there.
I knew better.
So I flew high.
Higher than the other
Angels.
I soared higher
I touched God's face.
God is beautiful.
But I reacher higher
And God said
There is none higher.
And God clipped
My wings.
My snow white wings.
And I tumbled down
Down past the other
Angels
Down further even
I fell...forever.
Until God said
Stop!
And I landed.
And I looked.
And I saw
Darkness.
And God said
You could have been
Beautiful.
But now you'll never
See beauty again.

I used to have
Wings.
I used to be
An angel.

Throne Room

Broken
Bleeding
Kneeling
In the
Throne room

Chastised
Punished
Humbled
Kneeling
In the
Throne room
Of God

And he
Looks down.

Trembling
Shaking
Waiting
For the
Judgment

"My child,
Daughter...
Stand up.
Why kneel?
You are
My child.
I see
No fault
In you.
I see
My child."

But how
Can't he?
I am
Covered
With sins.
I've been
Rolling
In filth.

It's Love.
He loves
His child.
He loves
Sinners.

Between
The one
And the
Other...

Love covers me

It is

Darkness.
It is
A crashing wave
A raging fire
An empty abyss

And the wave drowns
And the fire burns
And the abyss consumes

The water washes not
Nor does the fire purify
And the emptiness consumes only joy

And I'm drowning
Burning
Joyless

But the waves can be fought
And the fire quenched
And the abyss made to spit back the joy.

He will make it so.

Drip


The tears, they
Drip
Drip
Drip
And for once I let them fall.
There is no one here to see me...
There is no one here to care.
I was already scared
Of the future.
Now I'm scared of today.
And a little angry.
He's turned my beloved's arrival
Into a thing of doubt and tears
Anticipation into dread.
So the tears keep
Drip
Drip
Dripping
As I sit here and pray,
And hope my new-forged trust
Is up to the task ahead.
Dear God, please make it so.

Writing

Writing, writing
More red ink
More thoughts on paper
But no less in my head
Swirling into darkness
Why do all the thoughts
End in night?
Why no happy thoughts?
I can see them
They are there
But when I think them
I don't believe them
Is more than a little frustrating
Writing, writing
Waiting, wanting

Just Do

A friend says
Don't think, just do
But even that
Requires thought
I don't know what to do
I read the Word
Pray
Try to do what I should
But sooner
Or later
The struggle comes back
So, what am I to do?

I don't wanna struggle
Forever
I don't wanna be here
In five years
Or even months

I don't want to be scared
Of my own kitchen knives
Or drawn to them
I can't go on like this
But what do I do?
What do I change?

Sleeping

Sleeping
I'm drifting
I'm floating here and there
Don't wake me
I like it here
Here away from life
Don't wake me
I'm not ready
Ready to face life

Apathy
But I don't care
Purposeless
I'm floating
Don't wake me
I want to stay
Stay asleep forever
Don't wake me
I'm hiding
Hiding away from pain

I'm not happy
But I'm not sad
I don't have joy
But not pain, either

Sorrow is the price of joy
Pain the price of love
Weakness is the price of strength
And dark the price of light
Tears are the price of laughter
And Death is the price of Life.

Is the one worth the other?
Is sunshine worth the rain
God gives both...but in equal measure?
I'm not sure of that

So lull me back to sleep
I don't want to wake up
Set my sail for the sea of dreams
And trouble me not again
I'm floating
Drifting
Don't wake me
I like it here.

Life

It's not over
Life's just begun
I'm only twenty
So why do I feel so old?
Why do I have so little
To look forward to?
I grew up too early
Too fast
I grew up with bills
With worry, with stress
I learned things at eight
I should just be learning now
I tasted at ten
What I should be tasting in May
I should only have to wait
A few months or less
For such things
But it's going on twelve years
And how do you deal
With something that's dealt with?
How do you forget something
Engraved in your memory?
At twelve I stopped something
That should never have started
And at sixteen I dove back in
Headfirst.
And at sixteen I wanted
Life to be over
And at eighteen and nineteen too
And October of nineteen
Saw me act on the want
But I'm still here.
And at twelve to now
I hated my body
But only found change
Through a blade
Now I'm twenty
I'm only two decades
But I've been through
Enough for five
So it's no wonder
I feel so...nothing
It's no wonder
The joy is all gone
I tasted life's pleasures
Too early
And they've turned to
Ash in my mouth

Inward Scars

It shouldn't matter
It's done with
It's over
I'm free...
Or should be.

But the scars remain
The scars outside
Well, they'll fade
Eventually.

But every time
I want to cut
But don't
I carve a new scar
On my heart
Every time I want to hide
But don't
Carves a new scar on my soul
Every time
I say "I'm fine"
And lie
There's new scars
And they don't fade

Less than
Two hundred scars
Outside
But inside
Innumerable

Scar upon scar
Hurt upon hurt
I hurt myself
They're my choices

But why would that hurt less?
Would it hurt less
If you held the blade?
Would it bleed less
If you made the cut?

I like who I am, you know
Parts of me, anyway
I don't mind being a "cutter"
That's who I am
I like cutting
That's why I do it
It controls me, yes
But I can't bring myself to hate it

I love the pain
The punishment
The rush
The blood
The scars
The release
The pattern

The pain - it mirrors me inside
The punishment - I deserve it
The rush - lets me feel "happy," at least for a while
The blood - it flows, it changes things
The scars - are there forever...I'll never forget
The release - let a little pain out...although it builds up faster than I can let it out
The pattern - my body may be ugly, may be fat - but at least it will be unique

But I hate the hurt
The hurt to my lover
And my friends
I've been hurt too much
To want to hurt others

Life, the Universe, and Everything

Forgiven!
So why still so shadowed?
Why does the darkness still press?
Will it lift just because I say so?
Will a prayer part the shadows?

For the actions born of shadow
I'm forgiven
For the lies born of darkness
I've been cleared

But the darkness and the shadows
Don't lift because of desire
I'm running scared, running fast
Broken but forgiven
Scarred but cleared
Trusting?

See the nail-pierced hands, the scarred feet...
His blood flowed free
Surely it covers me
But why won't the shadows lift?
Why does darkness still fall?
Just because I tell it not to, it shouldn't come?

Nothing happens because of what I want
Not good, not bad
No shadows lift

What was the use of the prayer
What is the use of asking you for help, Savior?
Where is the saving?
The battle begins again...will I fight it?
What happened to the rest you promised?
What about grace?
Strength?

All my joys are dust
My loves lose their savor
My strength crumbles to ashes
I thought I would get more from you!

So where are they?
Where joy, love, strength?
I'm running from the past
Running from the future
Running from the present
Where can I run to?
Where do I hide?

Will you hide me in the cleft of the rock?
Will you cover me with your wings?
Will you part the shadows, break the darkness?

How can I fight when I can't see?
How can I love when I can't feel?
How can I be loved when the darkness shuts all out?

Shadows
Darkness
Surrounding
Suffocating
choking
I'm blind to the light
Deaf to friends' calls
I can't feel the love...

I know in my head that it's there...
But my heart always wonders
I doubt, I fear
Trust?
Not really

What about the peace?
Where's the rest?
"Emmanuel - God with us"
Christmas - a time of hope

But were my heart completely cold
My mind thinking only of me
October would be repeated
And this time wouldn't fail

But a spark of love still lingers
And thoughts of others remain
So I will stay and fight on
I'll not throw in the towel yet
I'll leave that up to you

But the darkness
The shadows
The night
Pitch dark
No light
No sparks

I ask for fire, for flames
I ask to feel love again
I'll do, but I want to feel
I'll act, but I want to love

I have a lover, he's all mine
But the shadows come between us
He wants me to feel love
But the darkness blocks it
I know he loves me
But I can't feel it
I want to feel!

I rage, I cry
I'm crying now
Anger's an emotion that still comes
Love's a choice, I still make it
But I want to feel it too!
Cuts I feel, blood I see
"Cutter" is an identity, at least

But am I defined by what I've done?
Why does the past destroy me?
It's under the blood
Truer words never spoken
His blood forever
Mine...for a while

I touch the fire...it freezes me
I want the feeling back
The price of joy is pain
Without one, we would not know the other
I've tasted joy, but the pain!
The pain is with me waking and asleep

Every time I look down
My legs tell tales
My wrists show scars
My arm shouts pain

And the pain is mine...
Have I any that's not my fault?
Any whose root is not in my actions?
And if it weren't...
I should just still let go.

But it has hold of my heart
Pain's part of my being
To let go now
Would rip it out
Leave a hole
Would it hurt less than now?
I'm scared to find out

I'm running a hundred miles an hour
But in what direction?
I'm running from my past
My present
And yes, the unknown future

Marriage is my bright spot
Yes, the only one
What else to look forward to?
Forty-one days without cutting?
And then what? Forty-two?
Stupid thing to look forward to

But a life with a lover whose love I can't feel
Or a life by myself with only the pain...
Well, seems obvious to me.

I don't wanna hide
I'm tired of being a mask
But when I find out who me is
I'll let you know
'Cause it's hidden from me too
But I wanna find out

And if I can't feel the love of my lover
How much less the love of my friends?
I know that it's there, I don't doubt it
But I wanna feel it too!

I can feel the blade as it slices
I can feel the blood that flows
I want to feel...
That's all I want...
More than pain
Because it hurts

And I want to see God
I want to see the light
"We would see Jesus!"
Yeah...I would...

Joybringer

How is it
He loves me?
How is it
He sees me?

I deserve
Nobody
Yet he sees
Me precious

I thought there
Could not be
Anyone
I was wrong

Because God's
Given me
Perfect one
No one else

God restores
Locust years
God will give
Joy through tears

God can do
Anything
Even give me
Somebody

And what a
Somebody!
Always in
Love with me

Who does not
Care about
What is past
Only present

Help me God!
Be helpmeet
For now and
Forever

Given up
Lots for him
But I've gained
So much more

A friend or
A helpmeet?
The best or
Always loved?

Looking good
Or learning
To show the
Hidden me?

Courage to
Stand for right
Strength to
Admit wrong

All of these
God's taught me
Since he gave
Somebody

What more need?
What more want?
Loved always~
Joybringer.