So why still so shadowed?
Why does the darkness still press?
Will it lift just because I say so?
Will a prayer part the shadows?
For the actions born of shadow
I'm forgiven
For the lies born of darkness
I've been cleared
But the darkness and the shadows
Don't lift because of desire
I'm running scared, running fast
Broken but forgiven
Scarred but cleared
Trusting?
See the nail-pierced hands, the scarred feet...
His blood flowed free
Surely it covers me
But why won't the shadows lift?
Why does darkness still fall?
Just because I tell it not to, it shouldn't come?
Nothing happens because of what I want
Not good, not bad
No shadows lift
What was the use of the prayer
What is the use of asking you for help, Savior?
Where is the saving?
The battle begins again...will I fight it?
What happened to the rest you promised?
What about grace?
Strength?
All my joys are dust
My loves lose their savor
My strength crumbles to ashes
I thought I would get more from you!
So where are they?
Where joy, love, strength?
I'm running from the past
Running from the future
Running from the present
Where can I run to?
Where do I hide?
Will you hide me in the cleft of the rock?
Will you cover me with your wings?
Will you part the shadows, break the darkness?
How can I fight when I can't see?
How can I love when I can't feel?
How can I be loved when the darkness shuts all out?
Shadows
Darkness
Surrounding
Suffocating
choking
I'm blind to the light
Deaf to friends' calls
I can't feel the love...
I know in my head that it's there...
But my heart always wonders
I doubt, I fear
Trust?
Not really
What about the peace?
Where's the rest?
"Emmanuel - God with us"
Christmas - a time of hope
But were my heart completely cold
My mind thinking only of me
October would be repeated
And this time wouldn't fail
But a spark of love still lingers
And thoughts of others remain
So I will stay and fight on
I'll not throw in the towel yet
I'll leave that up to you
But the darkness
The shadows
The night
Pitch dark
No light
No sparks
I ask for fire, for flames
I ask to feel love again
I'll do, but I want to feel
I'll act, but I want to love
I have a lover, he's all mine
But the shadows come between us
He wants me to feel love
But the darkness blocks it
I know he loves me
But I can't feel it
I want to feel!
I rage, I cry
I'm crying now
Anger's an emotion that still comes
Love's a choice, I still make it
But I want to feel it too!
Cuts I feel, blood I see
"Cutter" is an identity, at least
But am I defined by what I've done?
Why does the past destroy me?
It's under the blood
Truer words never spoken
His blood forever
Mine...for a while
I touch the fire...it freezes me
I want the feeling back
The price of joy is pain
Without one, we would not know the other
I've tasted joy, but the pain!
The pain is with me waking and asleep
Every time I look down
My legs tell tales
My wrists show scars
My arm shouts pain
And the pain is mine...
Have I any that's not my fault?
Any whose root is not in my actions?
And if it weren't...
I should just still let go.
But it has hold of my heart
Pain's part of my being
To let go now
Would rip it out
Leave a hole
Would it hurt less than now?
I'm scared to find out
I'm running a hundred miles an hour
But in what direction?
I'm running from my past
My present
And yes, the unknown future
Marriage is my bright spot
Yes, the only one
What else to look forward to?
Forty-one days without cutting?
And then what? Forty-two?
Stupid thing to look forward to
But a life with a lover whose love I can't feel
Or a life by myself with only the pain...
Well, seems obvious to me.
I don't wanna hide
I'm tired of being a mask
But when I find out who me is
I'll let you know
'Cause it's hidden from me too
But I wanna find out
And if I can't feel the love of my lover
How much less the love of my friends?
I know that it's there, I don't doubt it
But I wanna feel it too!
I can feel the blade as it slices
I can feel the blood that flows
I want to feel...
That's all I want...
More than pain
Because it hurts
And I want to see God
I want to see the light
"We would see Jesus!"
Yeah...I would...
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