Pain

Do you know what it is like to live a life that is defined by the word "pain"? I, and many others, do. It is part, at least, of the reason we cut. Because the pain is overwhelming, and the blade brings at least temporary respite. That includes me. I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a year now, for cutting, suicide, and other things. And if I've learned one thing from it, it's that the pain never goes away. All the solutions I've ever heard of only teach us how to deal with the pain, not erase it. Even God's love, which is amazing. God's love has made me forget the pain for a little while, but even it (although my counselor would disagree, I'm sure) doesn't make the pain go away.

So, we cut. And even people who love us don't always help, at least in my experience. I wanted help, I wanted to stop cutting. So I told a few close friends about my struggle. At first, they were supportive. They went out of their way to help me, even having me over so I wasn't by myself, cutting. But slowly, they've changed. They still care about me, no doubt about that, but now when they know I'm struggling or have cut, it's like they get upset at me, rather than trying to help me. They keep telling me the same things they've been trying to tell me for months...the things that obviously aren't working. The main thing they tell me is that I shouldn't cut because it hurts the people I love...actually, the same thing they said when I was contemplating and attempted suicide. And I don't want to hurt them, no. I hate hurting them. But as I've said so many times...I can't live my life for other people. Sure, no man is an island; we all affect the people around us. But we all have to live our lives for ourselves. And my life just happens to be a life full of pain.

In some ways, I'm a classic cutter. I was molested as a child by a cousin and a brother, at different times. I would say that those, and their respective backlashes, were the start of my pain. And I've layered on many since then, many small pains that others find less disturbing ways to deal with (so why can't I?). Then this year alone, i was expelled from college, followed quickly by my parents withdrawing all financial support, and a few months later I was fired from my job. Those were some pretty big pains to add on to what I already have. I cut for all those pains.

But they aren't the only reasons I cut. Sometimes I cut...just because I want to. Sometimes I'm all cheerful and sunshiny, and out of nowhere the urge to cut hits me. So I do. Sometimes I'm angry at something, someone, or even myself, so I cut. Sometimes I've done something that deserves punishment, so I punish myself...with a razor blade. I've cut before because I had a migraine and i wanted the endorphin rush to take it away. (This actually works, by the way.) Hey, I've cut before just because I wanted the rush itself! The most common reason I cut, though, is probably stress. When I have so many bills, so many issues, so much going on, too many conflicting emotions...I cut then most of all.

So, I am a cutter. I have often wondered how much I am like other cutters, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. I am a cutter for my own reasons, and I want only this from you: Love, understanding, forgiveness, and never condemnation, even if I'm still cutting in three months...or three years.