Inward Scars

It shouldn't matter
It's done with
It's over
I'm free...
Or should be.

But the scars remain
The scars outside
Well, they'll fade
Eventually.

But every time
I want to cut
But don't
I carve a new scar
On my heart
Every time I want to hide
But don't
Carves a new scar on my soul
Every time
I say "I'm fine"
And lie
There's new scars
And they don't fade

Less than
Two hundred scars
Outside
But inside
Innumerable

Scar upon scar
Hurt upon hurt
I hurt myself
They're my choices

But why would that hurt less?
Would it hurt less
If you held the blade?
Would it bleed less
If you made the cut?

I like who I am, you know
Parts of me, anyway
I don't mind being a "cutter"
That's who I am
I like cutting
That's why I do it
It controls me, yes
But I can't bring myself to hate it

I love the pain
The punishment
The rush
The blood
The scars
The release
The pattern

The pain - it mirrors me inside
The punishment - I deserve it
The rush - lets me feel "happy," at least for a while
The blood - it flows, it changes things
The scars - are there forever...I'll never forget
The release - let a little pain out...although it builds up faster than I can let it out
The pattern - my body may be ugly, may be fat - but at least it will be unique

But I hate the hurt
The hurt to my lover
And my friends
I've been hurt too much
To want to hurt others