A Life Wasted in Waiting

I have wasted so much time waiting for a Savior. I believed them when they told me I could not find strength save in Christ. I waited through years of abuse; I searched through years of pain and tears. They told me when I turned to cutting that I needed him instead, that only he could provide relief. When I became enslaved to cutting, they told me only he could free me.

I was deceived. They lied to me.

I have grown. I have matured. They try to tell me this is Christ, but they are wrong. Christ has done nothing for me. I conquered cutting. I have laid to rest my own pain. I am done waiting for a Savior when I have already saved myself. I have wasted too much believing in my own weakness. I am not weak. I have survived. I am strong.

So farewell, O Christ. I do not doubt thy existence, for I have seen thy hand in nature, at least. If thou hast saved me from damnation, I thank thee. I have only thy word that I was damned. But I do not need thee. What good my life has known, I have brought, as I have brought my own pain. I have used thee to excuse my own laziness and weakness, and praised thee for my own strength. No more. Thou hast not helped nor hindered me. Thou hast had nothing to do wth me, and now I will have nothing more to do with thee.

So be it.