Memory Verses

I used to be the queen of verse memorization. Well, memorizing anything really, and as a young Baptist, that meant verses. Because, you know, having memorized every verse in the Bible on prayer, for instance, shows that I am a great Prayer Warrior, right? Heh heh. So anyway, having come across a nostalgic 1.5 inch or so stack of 3x5 cards inscribed with these verses, I'm sharing them with you. With commentary. And possibly snark. Because, after all, I'm the queen of snark, too.Warning: in case you hadn't yet figured it out, I'm not applying logic, emotion, or anything else to these verses. I'm making fun of them. Scoffing, if you will. So before you reply, if you happen to be a Christian, think about Proverbs 9:7. Also, if you feel like calling me foolish (and don't deny that you do), consider Proverbs 26:4-5. Ignore any lack of inherent logic in that passage, because of course, it's the Bible, and therefore it is true even if it states two opposite things right after each other.

"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men." Acts 24:16. Wow, I thought that was impossible, to have a conscience void of offence toward God, since God is, you know, the pinnacle of holiness and the fact that we have a sin nature is an offense to that holiness. You know, despite that fact that we can't help having a sin nature. And that he tells us to be holy anyway. Despite that.

"They that forsake the law praise the wicked: but such as keep the law contend with them." Proverbs 28:4. Oh, I guess you SHOULD argue with me, then. No wait, answer me not. No wait, answer me. Or you could just wallow in confusion, that'd probably be best. No, no, hush, don't talk, you're confuzzled.

"By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous." I John 5:2-3. Oh, so we don't love God if we don't keep his commandments. Let's see, here's an easy one: don't commit adultery. Okay, got it, that one is easy. Oh wait "he that looks on a woman with lust has committed adultery with her in his heart." So basically, anyone who has ever been a teenage male (or female) is screwed. Although not literally, just in his heart. The heart that is, you know, deceitful above all things and desperately wicked and therefore not really capable of keeping ANY of God's commandments. So in reality, nobody has ever loved God. And it is of course in no way a grievous thing to deny your body what its built in hormone system (excuse me, God-given hormone system) demands. Nope, not at all. Easiest thing in the world, really.

"A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; but the simple pass on, and are punished." Proverbs 27:12. There isn't actually anything to argue with here, I don't think. Keep your eyes open and your head up, idiots. Man I love proverbs.

"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I." Romans 7:15.
"Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me." Romans 7:17.
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." Romans 7:18-19.
"I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." Romans 7:21. Welcome to Romans 7, the Schizophrenia passage. Prisoner at the bar: "No, no, your honor, I didn't do that, that was my 'sin nature.' I can't help it, really I can't, your honor." Judge: "I know you can't, but too bad! You're condemned to death anyway!" Prisoner at the bar: "But I'm actually a good person, your honor, I have God living inside me, I can't be condemned even if I sin because I don't really want to sin, your honor. I just do it anyway." Judge: "Wait, so you're telling me that you've got both God and sin living inside you? How does that make sense?" Prisoner at the bar: "Well it doesn't really, your honor, but God says it is true, so it must be." I'm sorry, in what universe besides the Bible would that actually make sense? Oh, right, it wouldn't.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." You know, it's no wonder that God didn't have a problem with slavery (well, he did, if the slave was Jewish, you had to set it free eventually. Otherwise, it was yours to keep). After all, we are all slaves to him, he owns us, body and soul, according to him. Unless you look at other verses, of course. Then you get things like "if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." Because being owned body and soul means you're free, of course. 

"You have a choice. You have been given the ability and free will to choose who and what will be the king in your life. You choose who and what will be in control. You choose who and what you will obey. You choose to whom and to what you will yield. You choose who and what will dominate your life. You choose to please God or please self." Rand Hummel, Lest You Fall. I'm sorry, Rand, but have you read the Schizophrenia Passage lately? Because I just did and I'm positive it says that in fact, we don't get to choose, we're going to sin whether we like it or not. And if we don't like it, really we don't get to please God OR self, which seems kind of unfair to me. If I'm going to sin, SOMEBODY might as well enjoy it, right?

"Give unto the Lord the glory due his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." I Chronicles 16:29. Yep, holiness. You heard him. What do you mean you can't be holy? God told you to be holy, therefore you had better be holy, bro. God doesn't care if you have a sin nature that you were born with, you had better be holy or he's gonna take you out. For his glory, of course.

"For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men*, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world." Titus 2:11-12.  You're really starting to contradict yourself here, Paul my buddy. Is it possible to deny ungodliness/our sin nature, or isn't it? And how, really, does a human being live godly? Because the last time I checked, I didn't know everything and I certainly wasn't all-powerful or outside time itself. Let me check again. ... Nope, still not godly. Or were you talking about the "inward man"? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect or loving or kind or any of that, at least not on a godlike scale. So, you're just calling us to do something that's impossible. Jerk.
*the elect. Duh. Obviously God hasn't given his grace to "all men," that would be like, so totally stupid. Why would God want EVERYONE to be saved when he could send SOME of them to hell without even a chance at grace? That would be, like, so totally unholy of him.

"But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition." I Timothy 6:9.Remember, children, money is evil. Give it to the church, they won't be corrupted by such things, let them handle the evil money for you.

"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts." Ephesians 4:22. Um, Paul, buddy, pal, friend. You just got done telling our good friends the Romans all about how you (the man who is, according to yourself, like, the best Christian ever) can't even do this. Or maybe the church at Ephesus had some special "freeing themselves from their sin nature" super power that neither you nor the Romans had? If so, I'm jealous and why didn't they share? No fair, man, no fair.

"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof." Romans 6:12. Jlkjasdfhoiqwrbmmn. Let's have a contest! It's called "See how many times Paul can contradict himself in the New Testament." Ready? Go!!

"He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32. So, I've been informed by reputable and trustworthy sources* that this is NOT, in fact, human sacrifice, because Christ was actually God. But he was still human. Is there a special word for sacrificing some that is both God and human? Goman sacrifice? Humod sacrifice? The point here is that somehow killing something innocent makes up for murder, you know, YOU killing something innocent.
*the Internet. Also preachers and other various and assorted Christians.