Masochism, Anger, Feeling

Masochism (in part): purposefully reading something you know will make you angry. Even after you've promised not to.

Of course you can also add things like cutting to this list. That one is rather obvious. But why? Why did I, today, go to a blog, knowing that I would disagree with the author's very worldview, let alone any specific posts, knowing that I would be frustrated, knowing that likely I would get angry?

Because...I wanted to feel angry. Or perhaps more accurately and more simply: I wanted to feel. Anger is perhaps the most easily obtainable emotion. We all have things that make us upset. For most people, however, we shy away from those things. We don't want to get angry; we don't like the way it makes us feel guilty; it isn't socially acceptable. But when I'm trapped in a haze...when I feel empty, when I feel grey, when I feel nothing...then I want to feel anything, even anger.

And so I am angry. Angry at being misunderstood. Angry at being maligned. Angry at the chains that bind so many of my friends in slavery. Angry at a myth that has been propagated as ultimate truth for far too long. Angry at so many things in the world I cannot change. Perhaps...angry at life itself.

I will pay a price, for the anger. I start to pay it now, in guilt. What anger is not accompanied by guilt? We are living, thinking beings, we do not let these negative emotions drive us. I will perhaps pay more, who knows? But for a little while, the goal is accomplished:

I feel.