It is intriguing that we don't tell a Muslim he was never a Muslim when he converts to Christianity. Nor a Buddhist for that matter. We don't tell an atheist when he is converted that his atheism was never sincere. So it is intriguing, for a religion that makes such a big deal out of pointing out that only their deity can read hearts and minds, that Christians are so very adamant that Lalaith and I were never saved.
Why do I keep bringing this up? Well, mostly because other people do. They seek to discredit my views, not by answering the questions or discoveries I set forth, but by attacking me. For it is a personal attack. They attack my memories, they attack the sincerity of my conversion, they attack the sanity of my mind. So while it makes no difference to the validity of my arguments whether I was truly a Christian, or whether I was deceived into believing I was (and if there were a God as they claim, what kind of horrible Being lets someone believe they are "saved" when they are not?), I would really prefer these personal attacks stop. Yes, I'm aware that they might not mean these attacks personally, but whatever their intentions, ad hominem attacks are never right.
2008
"Why, God? Why don't you care about me? ...you say you love me, don't you? Like a shepherd, or a father, you're supposed to care about me. So why don't you?"
"And when can I blame sin on anyone but myself, God? ...I will stand before you by myself; I will have to admit to all my sins by myself; I will have to answer the questions of the most righteous judge completely by myself. I cannot hide;everything will be revealed."
"I was lonely then, God. And because I was lonely, I became bitter. Bitterness turned to hate, and I hated. I hated my parents, I hated my church, my classmates, and most of all, God, I hated you. There was no excuse, God, and when you ask me why on that Day, I will be unable to give any other answer than, 'I didn't think you knew what you were doing.'"
"One who has stood a few hours from death, from eternity, as I have - how can I fear the little fears of life? The fears that I will do or say the wrong thing, or run out of money, or be in an accident - all the petty fears of who who has never faced true fear - how can I fear those? Your grace kept me from death when I was 16 - will it not keep me from all these other things as well?"
"Fill me with love, God. Help me to remember that the sole reason for my existence is your glory. Soli deo gloria - So be it."
2009
from a counselor to me: "Have you ever considered that maybe God allows certain temptations so that we will depend upon Him. Without these battles, we don't need Him....Perhaps God is more glorified when we battle often and repeatedly."
"So where do I start, God? I was ready to kill myself, God. I really was. Honestly, God, life scares me...When did I decide I couldn't cope with the normal aspects of life? Because I'm not stupid, God. I know that I will always struggle with sin; if not this one, then another one." early 2009 I nearly killed myself over a sin that I could never overcome. I had been struggling over a year at that point. To put it bluntly: I was ready to kill myself because I could not face my God or my own heart while continuing to commit a sin he gave me no strength to conquer.
"Bottom line: I know that God loves me, and is doing what is best for me. I don't understand, and I'll probably go through a lot of hurt and hurt some other people before this is over, but I have to remember that God is the one in ultimate control of my life. I have to remember that he loves me. If not - life is not worth living."
this has nothing to do with God...just friendship. And pain. Pain that he did nothing to alleviate. So maybe it does have to do with him after all. "B'n'K...well, I have the feeling they won't [leave me] either. And that makes me glad, but it also saddens me. Because I will rip their hearts out. Even if I do not do what I am now again considering doing, I will hurt them eventually. It is inevitable. And I know that hurt is the price of friendship, the price of love; we are, after all, human."
"So many emotions, so much going on - I can't handle it all, I will explode. And yet - I must learn to handle it, because this is life. It will never change; I must learn to change, to adapt, or to be crushed under the pressure."
"I need...God. Oh, yes! I will admit it, freely! I have never denied it! I need the Almighty King who created my soul - and the void within. I need the gentle Healer who caused the lame to walk and the blind to see. But...and there is always a but when dealing with God...I do not need the One who is never satisfied, who demands perfection out of imperfection, who commands the impossible yet offers no chance of obedience. Him, I do not need. And He is the one who has broken my heart more than once, and I don't mean over sin. Where was he when I needed him? Sure, he wants me back now, he calls to me, he pulls at my heart. And my heart was designed to answer that pull - yet, I refuse to. I will not. I am afraid of the pain. The impossibility of serving God drove me to the edge, and almost over, once already."
2010
"God loved me...even when I was a child of darkness and wrath. He saved me and made me alive in Christ, by grace. He loves me! Even with all I have done, how many times I've rejected him...he still loves me."
"God intends for everyone...to be one in Christ...Only he can bring peace to the ever-raging conflict in my heart and mind. And he's winning now, will the conflict be resolved?"
"What else should I do? Let these tears fall? Ask God why? Trust me, I do. Continuously. Hasn't been an answer yet, to the pain or the desire. Will there ever be? With every passing day, I doubt more and more. Give me a reason to trust, God. Tell me...that it will all be okay. Hold me close, wrap me in your arms...except you're a freaking spirit! You don't have arms. Stupid Katy. And now the tear drops do start. Because there are no arms. There are never arms. Now, as always, I cry alone."
from a pastor to me: "Nobody serves God out of love; you should serve him out of fear of punishment and desire for reward." Trust me, I shook my head at that just as much as you are doing right now.
"God, if you care, give me strength for the coming days and trials. And give me more love for you."
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"
"His grace alone has brought me 70 days."
"It is ironic that the quiet contemplation that makes me long for you is the same frame of mind where thoughts of blade and blood are likely to grow. Indeed, those thoughts are stronger tonight than they have been for a while, and yet...they are not strong. And that, my Father God, is your grace. Thank you."
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ...Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit set me free from the law of sin and death."
"God, you cannot let the darkness overtake me! It must not happen! Protect me, my Father. Shelter me, be my rock and strong tower. I need you. I am terrified, Father God. I am scared out of my mind. Keep me from the blade and the dark...I cannot be bound by those chains again. I must not!"
"And yet the darkness threatens to engulf me. WHY?? It doesn't make sense. I don't choose this! I don't desire this! And yet...ah! And yet, I do. No! I can't. So much battle inside. Except the darkness doesn't fight. It creeps along, and then it engulfs, and when it has, I will no longer fight. And I can't go there! I can't afford a stay in hell, in darkness and in flames."
"Father God...if I am to fight the darkness, I need you. I don't even want to fight, but you have to convince me that I must."
And to wrap up, I'll leave you with a poem, one I wrote just six days before my wedding to the Love of my life. I was so terrified, so scared...I so badly needed the help of the God I called "Father." And yet, then as always, he left me to fight and bleed alone. "I Don't Choose This."
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