An Already Broken Heart

The death

Of an already broken heart

Is a thing to be feared.

Who would be so cruel?

Who would crush

The already fragile spirit?

Life is so cruel.

What need of extra pains

To weigh the burdened heart?

Life weighs heavily enough.

Life broke my heart

Crushed my already fragile spirit.

Now I'm bound by a chain

Forged of blades and tempered in blood.

But life is not the forger;

I am.

The chain binds the

Pieces of my heart together.

It hold my fragile spirit

In its place.

Who is more cruel?

Life bruises to no purpose

Except to destroy.

I wound, if not to heal,

At least to shore up

My weakened defenses,

My hurting heart.

So do not crush

The already fainting spirit

Life does a good job of that

Already.

Do not destroy

The already broken heart

Of your worst enemy,

Much less your friend.

The death

Of an already broken heart

Is a thing

Cruel beyond words.

Be not the one whose hand

Deals the death-blow.

Be not so cruel.

Uma, Frodo

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand...there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts go too deep, that have have taken hold."

Exactly, Frodo. Look at me, compared to who I was a year ago. In some ways, I am the same, but in many others, I am almost a completely different person. I would not have called myself naive a year ago, but compared to now, I was. I have added layers of pain, yes, but they have me harder rather than more vulnerable. My fiance says that my hair cut and color make me look harder; I don't think he realizes that the events of this year have made me actually harder. Sure, things still touch me, still hurt me, but I have grown a lot less...soft. I am more aware of the way life is, more mature, less naive. Life is not fun and games, not hugs and puppies, not sunshine and light. Life is pain and hurt, darkness and shadow, grief and sorrow. Life is issue after problem after issue. These things I now know. I can never go back to who I was a year ago. I thought life was dark then..it was happiness and joy compared to now. I've learned a few things about myself this last year. I learned that when the blade is poised to cut over the vein, I do have the courage to slice. I found out that it's not just talk, I really don't give a damn what most people think. I've learned that I am a whole lot more manipulative than I thought I was. I have learned that I can actually do or not do things because of love. I have learned who my real friends are, and who only loves me when it's convenient or easy or allowed. I have let down my mask...and been reminded why it is that I wear it in the first place. And my mask has become better than ever before. I have learned that I am not alone, not unique...and yet I have never felt so alone. I have learned many things...about myself, about life, about people. And no matter how much I would like to regain the bliss of ignorance, I can't. And so Frodo is right: there are some hurts that are too deep, some changes that cannot be undone.

Tumult

Thoughts keep

Tumbling

Tumbling

Tumbling

Control...

Yeah, right

No plan

Drifting

Downstream

Swirling

Around

Floating

Nowhere

Tossing

Turning

Tumult

Pain

Do you know what it is like to live a life that is defined by the word "pain"? I, and many others, do. It is part, at least, of the reason we cut. Because the pain is overwhelming, and the blade brings at least temporary respite. That includes me. I've been seeing a Christian counselor for a year now, for cutting, suicide, and other things. And if I've learned one thing from it, it's that the pain never goes away. All the solutions I've ever heard of only teach us how to deal with the pain, not erase it. Even God's love, which is amazing. God's love has made me forget the pain for a little while, but even it (although my counselor would disagree, I'm sure) doesn't make the pain go away.

So, we cut. And even people who love us don't always help, at least in my experience. I wanted help, I wanted to stop cutting. So I told a few close friends about my struggle. At first, they were supportive. They went out of their way to help me, even having me over so I wasn't by myself, cutting. But slowly, they've changed. They still care about me, no doubt about that, but now when they know I'm struggling or have cut, it's like they get upset at me, rather than trying to help me. They keep telling me the same things they've been trying to tell me for months...the things that obviously aren't working. The main thing they tell me is that I shouldn't cut because it hurts the people I love...actually, the same thing they said when I was contemplating and attempted suicide. And I don't want to hurt them, no. I hate hurting them. But as I've said so many times...I can't live my life for other people. Sure, no man is an island; we all affect the people around us. But we all have to live our lives for ourselves. And my life just happens to be a life full of pain.

In some ways, I'm a classic cutter. I was molested as a child by a cousin and a brother, at different times. I would say that those, and their respective backlashes, were the start of my pain. And I've layered on many since then, many small pains that others find less disturbing ways to deal with (so why can't I?). Then this year alone, i was expelled from college, followed quickly by my parents withdrawing all financial support, and a few months later I was fired from my job. Those were some pretty big pains to add on to what I already have. I cut for all those pains.

But they aren't the only reasons I cut. Sometimes I cut...just because I want to. Sometimes I'm all cheerful and sunshiny, and out of nowhere the urge to cut hits me. So I do. Sometimes I'm angry at something, someone, or even myself, so I cut. Sometimes I've done something that deserves punishment, so I punish myself...with a razor blade. I've cut before because I had a migraine and i wanted the endorphin rush to take it away. (This actually works, by the way.) Hey, I've cut before just because I wanted the rush itself! The most common reason I cut, though, is probably stress. When I have so many bills, so many issues, so much going on, too many conflicting emotions...I cut then most of all.

So, I am a cutter. I have often wondered how much I am like other cutters, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. I am a cutter for my own reasons, and I want only this from you: Love, understanding, forgiveness, and never condemnation, even if I'm still cutting in three months...or three years.

Peaceful, Trusting

Peaceful
Trusting...
For my life,
Unreal.
It is only the fool
Who trusts
After his heart has been
Broken
Time and time again.
Some people deserve
To be trusted.
Many others
Not so much.
And I'd rather
Not trust the ones I can
(Like God?)
Than trust the others
And just get my heart
Broken.
Again.
As for peaceful, well...
That kinda goes with
Trusting.
So instead, I have
A little less peace
A little less trusand a heart
Unbroken.

No more tears!
I've done my time.
I'm winter, ice cold.
I am iron, stone.
Let nothing touch me
Let nothing break my heart.
I've picked up
The pieces
Too many times
And tried to move on.
No more.

I can hear you.
You're saying,
"But often it has been
Your own hand
That did the breaking
Your own actions
That shattered your life."
Yes.
You're right.
I did.
It hurts no less.
And that has
Nothing to do with
Trust.
But a lot to do
With iron.
Let my heart
Stay firm.

And if others
Try to push past
The stone wall...
Well, let them push.
They won't get far.

Don't Know, Can't Hurt

No guilt
No fear
Don't know
Can't hurt
Feel free

Razor!
Slices
Blood flows
No tears
Rush high
Feels good.
But they
Don't know
Can't hurt.

Leg stings
Feels good
I like
Most pain.
I'm weird?
Maybe
That's me.
Can hide
From you
You can't
See past
My mask.
Can't see
Can't hurt.
All good

She looks...
Watch out
My friend
Don't dig
Too deep
Don't find
What you
Seek for
Only
Darkness
Awaits.
What you
Can't see
Won't hurt.

No hope
Don't want
Fine where
I am.
Cuts solve
Nothing.
They can't.
Don't care
Like it.

Don't see
Can't hurt

Hyanda Ar' Agar

It's only really when I'm unsure
Of the path I want, of the purpose pure,
If I don't really want to fall...
Only then do to you I call

'Cause there are nights like tonight
When I don't wanna fight the fight
When you're a text or call away
But I don't want to even pray

Satan's already won this time
Right now he controls my mind
And I held out my hands to be bound tight
This time, didn't even try to fight

And now the tears begin their slide
But I don't really have to hide
Because aside from a silent phone
I'm here in my room all alone

In keeping their precious kids away
The deans just enable me to say
"I'm alone and cut off from
Almost all who could help, plus some."

BnK are great an all
And they've helped stop lots of falls
But the pain that makes blood run
Is part from feeling all alone!

Leaves in ink on skin, they grew
Bload-soaked leaves on paper, too
Forty days and forty nights
But Satan finally won the fight

Now he's calling me, and he stirs my pain
And he laughs at me, and yanks my chain
By chains of blood and blades I'm bound
And I won't reach out, so no help's found.

Smooth Skin

Smooth skin

Once, but

No more.

Criss-crossed

Raised lines

Patterned

Scarring.

One month

Two months

Or three...

Scars all

Still seen

Because

They fade

Never.

Silent

Tokens,

They scream.

Long past

Healing,

They burn.

Never

Forget,

They say.

Never

Forget

The pain.

Never

Forget

The loss.

Look down,

They scream.

You will

Never

Forget.

Run your

Hand down

Your arm.

You will

Never

Forget.

Life will

Go on

God still

Forgives.

But scars

Don't fade.

Sunshine Mask

What do you see

As you're looking at me?

Depends on who you are, I'd say

Because to everyone I look a different way

But everyone's seen the Sunshine Mask

He said, look at you!

I understand what you do

But the parents won't too

So I'm banning you

But the week before

I'd talked to him more

And he'd only see the Sunshine Mask

She said, you're a child of light

But your darkness I can't fight

So how about you leave me be

Before your darkness spreads to me

So the end's like the start

She don't wanna see my heart

So...she can see the Sunshine Mask

He said, I know you better than some

And I see how far you've come

I've watched you start to grow

It's starting to show

You're a child of light

You need to show the right

Is he seeing the Sunshine Mask?

He said, I love you, you know

To me your darkness you can show

I'll never run and hide

If your heart lets me inside

But I've seen his darkness too

And I know what both together can do

Does he need to see the Sunshine Mask?

It's a mask

Need you ask?

It shows light

It's not right

Let it hide

What's inside

Shine the light

Fight the fight

Do what's right

Show the right

That's not real

What you feel

Hide the dark

Show a spark

Make it seem

Like you're clean

It's not me

Don't you see?

Need you ask?

It's the Sunshine Mask!

Fallen Angel

I used to be

An angel.

Don't laugh!

I've fallen far.

I used to have

Wings.

White as snow

And six feet across

And beautiful.

I used to soar

Across the heavens

Hand in hand

With the other

Angels

And with

God.

God is beautiful.

But then I

Looked away from

His face.

I said, there is

Something else.

Something...

Better.

More beautiful.

He warned me.

He said child

Don't go there.

I knew better.

So I flew high.

Higher than the other

Angels.

I soared higher

I touched God's face.

God is beautiful.

But I reacher higher

And God said

There is none higher.

And God clipped

My wings.

My snow white wings.

And I tumbled down

Down past the other

Angels

Down further even

I fell...forever.

Until God said

Stop!

And I landed.

And I looked.

And I saw

Darkness.

And God said

You could have been

Beautiful.

But now you'll never

See beauty again.

I used to have

Wings.

I used to be

An angel.

Throne Room

Broken

Bleeding

Kneeling

In the

Throne room

Chastised

Punished

Humbled

Kneeling

In the

Throne room

Of God

And he

Looks down.

Trembling

Shaking

Waiting

For the

Judgment

"My child,

Daughter...

Stand up.

Why kneel?

You are

My child.

I see

No fault

In you.

I see

My child."

But how

Can't he?

I am

Covered

With sins.

I've been

Rolling

In filth.

It's Love.

He loves

His child.

He loves

Sinners.

Between

The one

And the

Other...

Love covers me

It is

Darkness.

It is

A crashing wave

A raging fire

An empty abyss

And the wave drowns

And the fire burns

And the abyss consumes

The water washes not

Nor does the fire purify

And the emptiness consumes only joy

And I'm drowning

Burning

Joyless

But the waves can be fought

And the fire quenched

And the abyss made to spit back the joy.

He will make it so.

Drip

The tears, they

Drip

Drip

Drip

And for once I let them fall.

There is no one here to see me...

There is no one here to care.

I was already scared

Of the future.

Now I'm scared of today.

And a little angry.

He's turned my beloved's arrival

Into a thing of doubt and tears

Anticipation into dread.

So the tears keep

Drip

Drip

Dripping

As I sit here and pray,

And hope my new-forged trust

Is up to the task ahead.

Dear God, please make it so.

Writing

Writing, writing
More red ink
More thoughts on paper
But no less in my head
Swirling into darkness
Why do all the thoughts
End in night?
Why no happy thoughts?
I can see them
They are there
But when I think them
I don't believe them
Is more than a little frustrating
Writing, writing
Waiting, wanting

Just Do

A friend says
Don't think, just do
But even that
Requires thought
I don't know what to do
I read the Word
Pray
Try to do what I should
But sooner
Or later
The struggle comes back
So, what am I to do?

I don't wanna struggle
Forever
I don't wanna be here
In five years
Or even months

I don't want to be scared
Of my own kitchen knives
Or drawn to them
I can't go on like this
But what do I do?
What do I change?

Sleeping

Sleeping
I'm drifting
I'm floating here and there
Don't wake me
I like it here
Here away from life
Don't wake me
I'm not ready
Ready to face life

Apathy
But I don't care
Purposeless
I'm floating
Don't wake me
I want to stay
Stay asleep forever
Don't wake me
I'm hiding
Hiding away from pain

I'm not happy
But I'm not sad
I don't have joy
But not pain, either

Sorrow is the price of joy
Pain the price of love
Weakness is the price of strength
And dark the price of light
Tears are the price of laughter
And Death is the price of Life.

Is the one worth the other?
Is sunshine worth the rain
God gives both...but in equal measure?
I'm not sure of that

So lull me back to sleep
I don't want to wake up
Set my sail for the sea of dreams
And trouble me not again
I'm floating
Drifting
Don't wake me
I like it here.

Life

It's not over
Life's just begun
I'm only twenty
So why do I feel so old?
Why do I have so little
To look forward to?
I grew up too early
Too fast
I grew up with bills
With worry, with stress
I learned things at eight
I should just be learning now
I tasted at ten
What I should be tasting in May
I should only have to wait
A few months or less
For such things
But it's going on twelve years
And how do you deal
With something that's dealt with?
How do you forget something
Engraved in your memory?
At twelve I stopped something
That should never have started
And at sixteen I dove back in
Headfirst.
And at sixteen I wanted
Life to be over
And at eighteen and nineteen too
And October of nineteen
Saw me act on the want
But I'm still here.
And at twelve to now
I hated my body
But only found change
Through a blade
Now I'm twenty
I'm only two decades
But I've been through
Enough for five
So it's no wonder
I feel so...nothing
It's no wonder
The joy is all gone
I tasted life's pleasures
Too early
And they've turned to
Ash in my mouth

Inward Scars

It shouldn't matter
It's done with
It's over
I'm free...
Or should be.

But the scars remain
The scars outside
Well, they'll fade
Eventually.

But every time
I want to cut
But don't
I carve a new scar
On my heart
Every time I want to hide
But don't
Carves a new scar on my soul
Every time
I say "I'm fine"
And lie
There's new scars
And they don't fade

Less than
Two hundred scars
Outside
But inside
Innumerable

Scar upon scar
Hurt upon hurt
I hurt myself
They're my choices

But why would that hurt less?
Would it hurt less
If you held the blade?
Would it bleed less
If you made the cut?

I like who I am, you know
Parts of me, anyway
I don't mind being a "cutter"
That's who I am
I like cutting
That's why I do it
It controls me, yes
But I can't bring myself to hate it

I love the pain
The punishment
The rush
The blood
The scars
The release
The pattern

The pain - it mirrors me inside
The punishment - I deserve it
The rush - lets me feel "happy," at least for a while
The blood - it flows, it changes things
The scars - are there forever...I'll never forget
The release - let a little pain out...although it builds up faster than I can let it out
The pattern - my body may be ugly, may be fat - but at least it will be unique

But I hate the hurt
The hurt to my lover
And my friends
I've been hurt too much
To want to hurt others

Life, the Universe, and Everything

Forgiven!
So why still so shadowed?
Why does the darkness still press?
Will it lift just because I say so?
Will a prayer part the shadows?

For the actions born of shadow
I'm forgiven
For the lies born of darkness
I've been cleared

But the darkness and the shadows
Don't lift because of desire
I'm running scared, running fast
Broken but forgiven
Scarred but cleared
Trusting?

See the nail-pierced hands, the scarred feet...
His blood flowed free
Surely it covers me
But why won't the shadows lift?
Why does darkness still fall?
Just because I tell it not to, it shouldn't come?

Nothing happens because of what I want
Not good, not bad
No shadows lift

What was the use of the prayer
What is the use of asking you for help, Savior?
Where is the saving?
The battle begins again...will I fight it?
What happened to the rest you promised?
What about grace?
Strength?

All my joys are dust
My loves lose their savor
My strength crumbles to ashes
I thought I would get more from you!

So where are they?
Where joy, love, strength?
I'm running from the past
Running from the future
Running from the present
Where can I run to?
Where do I hide?

Will you hide me in the cleft of the rock?
Will you cover me with your wings?
Will you part the shadows, break the darkness?

How can I fight when I can't see?
How can I love when I can't feel?
How can I be loved when the darkness shuts all out?

Shadows
Darkness
Surrounding
Suffocating
choking
I'm blind to the light
Deaf to friends' calls
I can't feel the love...

I know in my head that it's there...
But my heart always wonders
I doubt, I fear
Trust?
Not really

What about the peace?
Where's the rest?
"Emmanuel - God with us"
Christmas - a time of hope

But were my heart completely cold
My mind thinking only of me
October would be repeated
And this time wouldn't fail

But a spark of love still lingers
And thoughts of others remain
So I will stay and fight on
I'll not throw in the towel yet
I'll leave that up to you

But the darkness
The shadows
The night
Pitch dark
No light
No sparks

I ask for fire, for flames
I ask to feel love again
I'll do, but I want to feel
I'll act, but I want to love

I have a lover, he's all mine
But the shadows come between us
He wants me to feel love
But the darkness blocks it
I know he loves me
But I can't feel it
I want to feel!

I rage, I cry
I'm crying now
Anger's an emotion that still comes
Love's a choice, I still make it
But I want to feel it too!
Cuts I feel, blood I see
"Cutter" is an identity, at least

But am I defined by what I've done?
Why does the past destroy me?
It's under the blood
Truer words never spoken
His blood forever
Mine...for a while

I touch the fire...it freezes me
I want the feeling back
The price of joy is pain
Without one, we would not know the other
I've tasted joy, but the pain!
The pain is with me waking and asleep

Every time I look down
My legs tell tales
My wrists show scars
My arm shouts pain

And the pain is mine...
Have I any that's not my fault?
Any whose root is not in my actions?
And if it weren't...
I should just still let go.

But it has hold of my heart
Pain's part of my being
To let go now
Would rip it out
Leave a hole
Would it hurt less than now?
I'm scared to find out

I'm running a hundred miles an hour
But in what direction?
I'm running from my past
My present
And yes, the unknown future

Marriage is my bright spot
Yes, the only one
What else to look forward to?
Forty-one days without cutting?
And then what? Forty-two?
Stupid thing to look forward to

But a life with a lover whose love I can't feel
Or a life by myself with only the pain...
Well, seems obvious to me.

I don't wanna hide
I'm tired of being a mask
But when I find out who me is
I'll let you know
'Cause it's hidden from me too
But I wanna find out

And if I can't feel the love of my lover
How much less the love of my friends?
I know that it's there, I don't doubt it
But I wanna feel it too!

I can feel the blade as it slices
I can feel the blood that flows
I want to feel...
That's all I want...
More than pain
Because it hurts

And I want to see God
I want to see the light
"We would see Jesus!"
Yeah...I would...

Joybringer

How is it

He loves me?

How is it

He sees me?

I deserve

Nobody

Yet he sees

Me precious

I thought there

Could not be

Anyone

I was wrong

Because God's

Given me

Perfect one

No one else

God restores

Locust years

God will give

Joy through tears

God can do

Anything

Even give me

Somebody

And what a

Somebody!

Always in

Love with me

Who does not

Care about

What is past

Only present

Help me God!

Be helpmeet

For now and

Forever

Given up

Lots for him

But I've gained

So much more

A friend or

A helpmeet?

The best or

Always loved?

Looking good

Or learning

To show the

Hidden me?

Courage to

Stand for right

Strength to

Admit wrong

All of these

God's taught me

Since he gave

Somebody

What more need?

What more want?

Loved always~

Joybringer.