Six years of cutting and I finally cut deep enough to need stitches.

Oops.

Misconceptions

My boss knows I've been having some issues, he knows I've been suicidal a lot this year. And he's sympathetic, for the most part. But something he said when we had a little chat last week really emphasized how he (and entirely too many other people) views depression.

Because he said, "[Working] is better for you than, I don't know, sitting around feeling sorry for yourself all day." And I think that's how a lot of people view depression. I think that's why a lot of people don't see it as a real disease, why a lot of people have no sympathy for the depressed. So let me tell you a little bit about what depression is really like, for me, and for many others.

Well, for me, mostly. Not all depressions are similar, and some change hour to hour, minute to minute. But here is how mine usually goes.

Think of the most tired you've ever been. Maybe you spent a hard day at work or at play; maybe you wore out your brain or your body. Think about how you can't even imagine doing one more thing that day. Think of how heavy your limbs are, how impossible it is to concentrate because you're just so very exhausted. But then you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning, you feel all better. That's how I feel all day, every day. Except when I wake up (if I've slept), I don't feel better. I feel just as exhausted and apathetic at the beginning of my day as somebody who climbed mountains all day feels at the end of theirs.

It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself. It really has nothing to do with feeling sad (most of the time. Depressions, as I've said, vary.). Depression for me is bone-deep weariness, the lack of energy to do anything or even to feel anything. I'm not sitting around being sad all day. I'm staring at the wall because the effort required to read a book or play a video game is too much for me. Every day that I do manage to get up and get dressed in my uniform and make it to work, through work, and back from work is a major accomplishment for me. And people don't understand that, because for the "average" person, holding down a job is baseline. It's the least you can do. Their day starts at the end of their shift; my shift is my entire day, not because I'm working 12 hours a day, but because the effort I make to find the energy to just be able to function at work is astronomical. I come home as tired as if I'd spent my whole shift running laps because every little thing that "normal" people do without thinking is something I have to work to accomplish.

So yeah, boss, working is better for me than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. If only that was what I was doing.

I've Promised to Live...What is Living?

The darkness around me presses
But I've sworn off seeking death
And I know that makes you happy
But I still don't want to live

So now what shall I do?
I spend more time staring at my feet
Than placing them in front of each other

Or staring at my mouse
Or Facebook
Or a chat box
Or my phone
Just staring, mind you
Doing nothing
Nothing at all

I have hundreds of books on paper
And thousands more kept in bytes
Yet I read a few words and I'm done
And the next time I read the same ones

Like this poem my life has no rhythm
No purpose, no plan
It's just words

Yet for some reason
I keep right on speaking
Though I know my words pain
Those who care

At least I know now for sure
I'm not alone in this world
And unless something unthinkable happens
Never more will I ever be

But your love, however loving
However infinite it may be
Cannot fill the void in my soul
The space where my heart used to be

I cannot say that I love you
Although I wish that I could
But I don't love myself
So there's no seed
From which my love for others could grow

But I choose to act as though
I felt something other than pain
I choose to treat you, my dear ones
As though my heart overflowed

I've done all I can think of
Or been asked to
I've sought help, taken pills
Been locked away

And yet here and now I feel nothing
But the same things I felt last year
And all the years before that

I don't feel any better
Nothing's helping
How long must this horror go on?
I'm not waiting for magical cures
I've done all that I can
And some that I didn't know I could

In general my eyes stay dry
Teardrops are alien things
But right now my eyes are leaking
And my head aches with the pain that I've shed

What can I say now?
What else can I add to these words?
I can't change the past but
Neither, it seems
Can I change now
Or anything at all

The world spins ever on and on
And we, unbidden, follow in its wake
And wonder when the motion ends
And we fly off to worlds unknown

Past the Past

Past, the beat of broken wings
Now I fly again
Past, the creak of broken voice
Now I sing again
Past, the limp of broken words
Now I write again

Past, the weakness of my heart
Now I'm strong again
Past, the shadows in my eyes
Now I see again
Past, the chains around my soul
Now I'm free again

For Taylor

A friend is a friend
Whether old or new
But some friendships end
While some remain true

I've spent my life fearing
The end of those ties
Because friendship is cheering
Unless built on lies

So I am relieved
And aye, I feel joy
To be finally believed
By a very special boy

This man he's stood by me
Through life and through pain
I don't have to worry
This friendship won't end

And so I finish these lines
Owed to my friend
Knowing unlike this rhyme
Our love will never end

ATTENTION: Strong's domain name is expiring and I don't have the money to renew it right now. So until further notice, please bookmark the url strongthroughlife.blogspot.com instead. Thanks.

Freedom (And Truth)

I'm waiting for freedom
But my chains grow ever thicker
I should fight it, I know
But what is my will
Against these bonds?

I know it can be fought
I've seen others do it well
So why is it when I try
I do nought but fail and fail?

I try not to give in
To the knowledge I am broken
But I often wonder if I'm
Refusing to give in to the truth

Because I'm not entirely sure,
Like Pilate, what truth is
Perhaps my truth is just different
Than your truth or another's

And if that is the case,
Will therapy ever help me?
Not if we're working with two
Different truths in mind

It was much easier believing
In only one truth, the absolute
The pinnacle of human morals
And foundation of its life

But truth is not so narrowly
Defined, nor so easily
In this way, it comes to be
A lot like freedom from these bonds

What is freedom?
Shall I ever know it
Even if it should come to me
Tomorrow, or tonight?

In a Mental Hospital

How do you wait
Through the excruciating
Slowness of a day?

How do you survive
The unalterable deep
Shadows of a life?

How do you breathe
Through the slowly-measured
Heartbeats of each breath?

How do you think
Through the ever-numbing
Fog upon your mind?

I Found these Metered Words at Last

My mind has decided
My heart follows its call
I wish now to die
To stop living, forever, at all

My words beat all around me
Living ink spots the air round my head
Reminding me always that
Love and care worthless are

My heart it is empty
It is Nothing I hide
You love a bright mask
But nothing lives inside

I used to be full
I remember it well
Before the darkness
Stripped fullness away

It was not abuse
That emptied my soul
But your lack of belief
In whatever I was

The abuse of course helped
It whispered words in my ear
It proved I was worthless
A husk nobody could love

So I made up a mask
And I changed it at will
I made friends, made them laugh
They could not see my void

So what I have left
Is nothing at all
I am not, I love not
Never can, never will

I feel trapped,
So you lock the door

I feel alone,
So you isolate me further

I feel poor
So you take away my coins

What kind of heartless monsters are you?
Why save my life
At the expense of my sanity?

If you send me away,
Lock me up long at all,
The life I return to will be
Worse than the one I wish to leave

Take your "safety,"
Your care and your concern
Take your help and
Give it to someone who cares

This bed is not my own
This pillow hurts my head
The clothes I wear always the same
The scars are all that change

You will say I am not safe
That I am dishonest with
My treatment
But what help will I find here
Away from all that matters?

I no longer wish to be "better"
I have no desire to get well
Just give me my life
That I might end it
And end too my sojourn in hell

You say that I am ill
There are things wrong in my head
But I am not the ones who force breath
Into the walking dead

I do not understand
This care and this concern
You can't see I died long ago
So why care for a corpse
Or cry tears over a man with no life?

You define being safe
A bit narrowly
You say I can't tear up my skin
But when you lock me up
The blood does not stop
And your eyes are too blind to see

So please set me free
Please unlock the door
Please give me my own dignity
You've lost, so have I
Please leave me to claim my reward

Your bones will not crack
Your blood will not run
Down to turn the ice and snow red
Your life will not end
And I will be then
Just a name on the forms you must fill

You gave me your time
And I'm sorry
You threw it away wastefully
You tried your best to help me
But some wounds are not meant to heal

I wish I could see through your eyes
This person you think that I am
For all these things you name off
To encourage
Cannot in my own self be found

I love you, my son and my dearest
I hope that you grow tall and strong
I know you'll love and be loved
I'm sorry to leave you so soon

I love you, my family, my brothers
I am sad at the thought of your grief
But your love had no arms to hold me
And I felt your care not at all

I love you, past loves and past lovers
I'm glad you can love happily
I'm sorry we don't stand together
But I know I'm the one who's not free

I love you, my friends, my own family
I ache at the thought of your pain
I wish that my heart could be lighter
That our love would not die now in the end

Farewell to all those who've known me
Farewell to the stranger, foe, friend
Now go, live your lives and be happy
Forget now the one who could not

It's been long since a poem
Just exploded right out of my soul
Even now it says "Rise and enlarge me"
Release all the pain you now hold

But my pain cannot be released
It has grown into one with my soul
The darkness is host, not a guest now
It is too late to regain what I've lost

So now I take leave of this body
It's betrayed me again and again
Farewell I now say to my heartbeat
I have no use for you now, anymore

I sorrow to pain those who love me
Though they likely are loving a lie
There's no me inside, there's just nothing
My self has been all washed away

These tears held my self in their teardrops
This blood carried my self in its flow
These words hold my self in their ink
The last piece of my self you now hold

Insanity

Why try this all once more,
Grab the key and lock the door?

Leave me here on foreign bed
Alone with demons in my head

Why is it my skin is your concern
Why are you determined not to learn

Try and try and try again
Keep words flowing from my pen

This is not life, my presence here
With hurt to burn and pain to sear

You want me safe, that is your goal
With no care for the death of my soul

The Grave Shall Be My Home, and Death My Life

This poem I write upon my lonely bed
And wonder at the darkness in my head

No will, no life, no peace, no hope, no strength
To watch another day spread out its length

The die is cast, the choice is set in stone
I go to leave my loved ones all alone

Their pain nor mine enough to keep me here
The silence falls upon their waiting ears

Regret I could not live for them alone
The hope is mine that all will soon be done

I cannot live for others' company
Their light too dim for my poor eyes to see

I cannot chase the will'o'whisp of hope
It flees from me as in the dark I grope

I leave this world so full of pain and strife
The grave shall be my home, and death my life

You hold my breath in your hand
And undeterred by my resistance
You force it down my throat

You hold my heart in your hand
And uncaring of my cries
You force it to beat again and again

You hold my soul in your hand
And ignoring its struggles to take flight
You keep it lodged firmly within my self

The Fall

Sometimes the fall into darkness is a tearing, screaming drop. Sometimes it stabs you with sharp pains and rips at everything you are, everything you dream, everything you hope. Sometimes by the time you reach the darkness you welcome it, for it means a cessation of agony.

Sometimes the fall into darkness is so gradual, so soft, that you do not know you are falling until it is too late. Sometimes you lose interest in all the pleasant parts of life until you are left flitting from one to another wondering why all the things you love cannot fill the emptiness inside. Sometimes by the time you reach the darkness you are still not sure how you got there, but you lack the will to fight it anyway.

Sometimes the fall into darkness is so sudden that you cannot breathe. Sometimes your dreams and your hopes become reality and you are so happy you cannot contain it all and then, somehow, you feel nothing anymore. Sometimes when you land in darkness you accept it as the price of joy.

But sometimes the fall into darkness is paved with wonder, and you do not have to walk its path. Sometimes the shape of a rose, or the twist of a word, or the rise of a melody, draws you down and you choose to follow its call. Sometimes when you walk in darkness you find the inspiration to call beauty from the depths.

Nothing

When you ask me what’s the matter
And I say, “nothing”
I’m not lying to you
Nothing is wrong

When you ask me what happened today
And I say, “nothing”
I’m not lying to you
Nothing happened today

When you ask me what depresses me
And I say, “nothing”
I’m not lying to you
Nothing depresses me

When you ask me what you can do
And I say, “nothing”
I’m not lying to you
Nothing can be done

Because nothing is what’s wrong
Nothing is what happens
Nothing is depression itself
Nothing is all I am and feel

Master

I hail thee, Death
Thou art the master
Of all men

Rich or strong or fair
Poor or weak or ill
All of us

We will all come to thee
Through one door or
Another

Thou art our master
Thou art he who doth
Set us free

The Unknown

I don’t know what I fear
But I am afraid

I don’t know what I lack
But I am empty

I don’t know what I’ve lost
But I am bereft

I don’t know what I feel
But I am in pain

"How Great Thou Art"

Oh blade my god

When I in awesome wonder

Consider all

The pains thy edge has soothed

I see the scars

I watch the blood flow quickly

Thy pow'r throughout

My heart and soul displayed

Then sings my soul

Oh blade, my god, to thee

How great thou art

How great thou art

Then sings my soul

Oh blade, my god, to thee

How great thou art

How great thou art!

Helpless

And confused

Searching

For the truth

But I don't think

I'll ever find it

Help just harms

I'm not in control

My life is

Not my own

So many friends

Want what is best

For me

But what if

Death is best?

What if life is 

Just not for me

What if I am just

Permanently broken

Now?

And forever

But they won't

Let me

They are happy to destroy

My independence

In the name of

My "safety"

So what is "safe"

About making me

Penniless

What is "safe"

About locking me away

When I've proved

I'm "safest" at home?

What is the point

Of making me breathe

While destroying half

The reasons I might

Want to breathe?

What is the point

Of trying

Anymore,

Ever,

At all?