Choices

I can't get my best friend's point out of my head. I'm not very good at killing myself, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still alive. And at this point in my life, it's starting to cost me things that I really want. Working with my therapist. Transitioning. Being a friend to my best friend. Getting to know my new friend. Hanging out with my old friend. So. I think at this point...I should stop.

"That's easy to say," I thought to myself. "Not so easy to do." But the truth is it isn't easy to say, either. I love having options. Like, my therapist asked me why I smuggled razor blades into the hospital last time, when I took myself there. And the answer was that I refuse to be without choice. But. It was my choice to go to the hospital. Why did I think I needed more choices? If I commit to therapy with him, it will be my choice. If I make a promise to my best friend, it will be my choice. If I make a promise to MYSELF, it will be my choice. What I really seem to want is the ability to have things both ways...safety that's not really safe, commitments that won't hold me, promises that I can wiggle out of. That's a child's way of looking at the world (or a lawyer's, I guess). I am an adult, and don't you think it's about time I put away childish things?

But it won't be easy. At this point, the option, the idea of suicide has been in my head for...almost ten years. It hasn't always been a valid option; there have been lots of times since then that I wouldn't have tried to kill myself for any reason at all. But I could have. It was there. It was my option, my decision, my choice. Always. Getting myself to where it isn't always hanging in the back of my mind will be difficult, to say the least. I mentioned this way of always having a way out of every promise is childish, and it is. But I haven't learned yet how to be an adult about it. I don't know HOW to be an adult without it. What does that look like? How does it feel?

I used words like "bind" and "cage" and "imprison" when I wrote that poem the other day about those promises. And I don't like feeling caged or imprisoned. Who does? But, really, we all bind ourselves in little ways every day. And I would much rather be bound by my own word than an external power.

I told my therapist that I can do this. I can make this commitment, and I can keep it. It's never been a question of ability, though I may have told myself a time or two it was. It's a question of desire, of whether I want to do it or not, even when it's hard, even when I would rather give up, even when I doubt whether anything will ever change, ever get better, ever seem like something more than pointless. I used to be bound by my word, and I didn't think it a hardship then. No. I was proud of it. I used to say that I had never lied to someone who was trying to help me, and it used to be true. It's not true anymore. I can't make it retroactively true. But I can make sure I'm honest from here on out, that if I make a promise, I will keep it.

So really only one question remains: will I commit, or won't I? Will I commit to therapy, to change, to getting better even if I don't feel like I'm getting better...or never do? To learning to live in this world, in my body, in my head, instead of constantly trying to leave?

Will I commit to staying alive to do the things I want to do anyway? Put that way, it seems pretty obvious.

Happy Anniversary

I thought it was over
I thought that I had recovered
I thought I was better
I anticipated no more scarred lines

It was a lie
It wasn't me
I mistook love for strength
And when love ended
So too did strength

And today, of all days
Today
I remember

Because it could have been so good
Except it wasn't
I was loved, cherished, valued
Except I wasn't
I had a place, a home, family
Except I didn't

I barely need two hands to count
All the people I've loved deeply
Who loved me in return
The ones I let inside
The ones who knew the real me
As much as anyone can
When I don't know myself

B said I was manipulative
K said I was selfish
J said I was darkness incarnate
And took N with her
M said variations on the theme
And T followed her away

They all said the same things
Over and over
Repeating like some
Cacophonous harmony

Only one remains
And I don't doubt her feelings
Or her intentions
But those who know me best
Have taught me who I am
And I'm sure she'll see the truth
Sooner or later

I'm not living my life for love
That's a hope I refuse
If I ever live for anything
It must be my own self, complete

And yet
And yet
And yet
And yet who doesn't want love?
Who doesn't grieve when it is lost?

But it's not the loss of love
That brings me close to tears tonight
It's the fact, the simple fact
That those who know me best
Have all said the same thing

I am not a good person
I will never be
I am toxic to those around me
I will only ever drag those I love with me to the dirt

I'm not some sad teenager
Saying I'll never love again
I know that nobody's perfect
And those two hands' worth of loved ones
Had and have their own flaws

I'm just saying they were mostly decent people
That saw whoever I really am
And all agreed, without knowing each other
How horrible who they saw is

This would have been my anniversary
It's good that it is not
But I won't forget the lessons
I was taught

Promises

You cannot lock me

Safe into a cage

Of my own words

My word is strong

Yes, and I will keep it

But I am human

And other things

Are stronger

My word is not law

It is not inviolate

It, like me, can break

It, like me, will break

It, like me, is broken

I have screamed

And yelled, and raged

That other people

Cannot keep me here 

And yet the last few days

I linger here for them

I don't want to cause pain

But what about mine?

I gave my word

That I would live

But I can take it back

I will take it back

I will not be bound

Not even by me

I must be free

Warning: Graphic Images Inside

So...self-injury has been part of my life now for 7 years. Which is kind of a long time. And it's come to the point where I'm starting to get...creative. Essentially I'm blurring the line between art and self-harm and that's...probably a bad thing?

Like seriously guys, you should feel honored by all this posting I'm doing

These are all water damaged now. Guess which one I'm not sad about that happening to.

I was still married when I drew this

I'm just spoiling you guys now

Old Artwork

Collaborative Art

I drew, and others colored

Live

An Occupational Therapist's answer to For the Fifth Time

For the eternal burning flame
For relief on days untold
For passion, love and life
For delight of being bold

For taking subtle risks
For mountains, lakes and streams
For loved ones that I meet
For joy not what it seems

For the unknown dreams to come
For the calm within the storm
For relaxing into safety
For the sun that always warms

For all these I now accept
For all these I do exist
For all my changing choices
For my choice to no resist

For the Fifth Time

For the lack of burning fire
For the fear that grips so well
For the quenching of desire
For the living that is hell

For the plan that's only "safe"
For the river deep and cold
For the care that starts to chafe
For the plans both dark and bold

For the agony that's life
For the peace that lives in death
For the lack of bitter strife
For the final draw of breath

for all these I now refuse
for all these I cease to live
for all these my choice is made
for all these I leave this life

To go with all those poems I keep writing

Fear, take two

Fear

I've just spent the week in hospital. I'm sure you can imagine why. As is often the case, I have the artwork to show for it. I'll be posting those shortly. I will also be posting a bunch of artwork (mostly from past hospital visits) that I found the other day that has yet to see the light of day (and by day I mean this blog).

So like. I got fantastic news last week. Like, totally awesome. Literal dreams coming true.

Last night I wanted to kill myself.

I am well aware that mental illness doesn’t rely on externals, but I still feel guilty for being suicidal at a time when everything is going right.

Fear

I don’t think I’ve realized how much fear I experience. Like, I knew there was the fear of getting better, and that I’m not the only one who experiences that. But while that is a thing, it’s not a big deal to me because I’ve pretty much given up on the concept of getting better anyway.

But I’ve been talking over an idea with a friend that is a huge change for me, and I am fucking terrified. Like, I throw around grandiose ideas probably every other day, and they’re fun precisely because they’d be awesome but they’re never going to happen. But this is something that could happen, could happen soon, a major change in my life, and it’s enlightening just how very scared I am. Apparently for all my talk of needing purpose and change and fulfillment I become a frightened child at the idea I might get those things. It makes me wonder how many other potentially awesome things I’ve been close to and not done because I scared myself out of it without realizing it.

And it’s hard, because not two hours after finishing that conversation, my head starts up with suicidal thoughts, and I start worrying. Because I barely make it through a lot of really easy days in the life I have now. The change I’m proposing has the potential to be super exciting and awesome but it’s not going to be easy mode like now.

And I don’t know what to do. Continuing like I am now isn’t impossible, but it’s not what I want. I got what I wished for (the freedom to be a lazy ass and play video games all day) and found out how much it sucks. And maybe it just sucks because the culture we have here pounds it into us over and over that unless we’re working a job and contributing in some tangible way to society, we’re worthless. Honestly, I think that’s a huge part of it. Because there was a time I was just fine sitting on my ass playing video games all day, but it was a time when that wasn’t the only thing in my life. I was a spouse, and a parent (which tbh sucked and I don’t miss at ALL), and a friend. I had more than one friend! More than two! But I don’t have that anymore.

And I know that that isolation drives me further toward depression, just as depression in its turn drives me further into isolation. It’s a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to break, and that most days I’m just too drained to even try. And I’m not sure the awesome idea will help with that, at all. In fact, it might make the isolation even worse.

The bottom line is that I don’t have a guideline. I don’t know what’s best or right for me. I don’t even know what I want, and I probably wouldn’t be able to accomplish it even if I did know.

Honestly, it’s an interesting idea, even if it’s terrifying. But maybe it’s not the right idea for me, right now.

And I’ve no idea if that’s true, or if I’m just too terrified to change.