Why do I feel so unworthy? It is not something that I have been told. Rather, it is something I know at the very depths of my being, in the bottom of my heart. I know, as surely as night devours day, that a normal life, and all the joy and happiness that entails, is not meant for me. Indeed, I would not know what to do with those things. I do not know why I know this, only that I do. I am outcast, separate, alone. Sometimes I wonder why this is so. Sometimes I rage against it, but it like a stone wall - unmovable, inviolate. Truth?
I know those who would disagree. They would fling their truths, those of love, faith, Scripture, hope, against the stone wall, but those truths shatter and fall, while the wall holds. It holds, and while it does, certainty holds as well. But those who would disagree, they don't...because I do not tell them. And aside from my lover, they no longer ask. As for him...well, he would try to fling truths of love, and they would only shatter with the rest.
What can be done? Why is life this way? Will it ever change? After so long (How long? I know not.), I have no hope of changing, no hope that the core of who I am can, or should, be altered. Because this is who I am. Unworthy.
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