Depression is a devious and cunning master. It sneaks up and overtakes you without warning. Having emotions is normal, usually caused by some normal occurrence of life. So when you feel sad one day, you start trying to figure out why you're sad. By the time you realize there is no reason, it's too late, depression already has you in a death grip.
It teaches you that of all people in the world, it is yourself you can trust the least. There is not a thought process nor an emotion depression does not sink its shadowy claws into. Nothing is sacred, nothing is exempt. You can depend on nothing your brain tells you.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live without depression. I find it impossible to imagine. I have lived with this for a decade. There have been brief periods of respite, true, but somehow I've always known it would return again.
I wonder if I would be a better mother if not for this depression. 'Tis why I wanted to wait...it is difficult enough trying to take care of myself. Taking care of my son forces me past my limits over and over. It drains me completely and gives me no time to recharge before the next round.
Depression is master and lord whether it currently has you in its dark depths or not. For you spend the days of freedom dreading the return of those chains of shadow. Or if not, you spend those too-brief days or hours trying to pick up the pieces of the things you let slip from your weakened grasp as the darkness tormented you. There is never enough time to feel free, to feel truly, unreservedly happy. Or perhaps that is merely what the depression wants you to think.
Depression is the father of lies. It will tell you that your life is over. It will convince you that you are a curse to your loved ones, not a blessing. It whispers that you are alone - unwanted and unloved. And you will believe it. No matter how forewarned you are, no matter how deeply you know the truth, some part of you still listens to and believe that maybe, just maybe, it is right. For depression does not make up outrageous claims to control your mind, no...it takes all your hidden fears and doubts and magnifies them so they become more believable than the truth. After all, you already half believed them, so what chance do you have against the darkness now?
Reading this again...perhaps depression would have taught me more truths if I had cared to listen.
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