I've Promised to Live...What is Living?

The darkness around me presses
But I've sworn off seeking death
And I know that makes you happy
But I still don't want to live

So now what shall I do?
I spend more time staring at my feet
Than placing them in front of each other

Or staring at my mouse
Or Facebook
Or a chat box
Or my phone
Just staring, mind you
Doing nothing
Nothing at all

I have hundreds of books on paper
And thousands more kept in bytes
Yet I read a few words and I'm done
And the next time I read the same ones

Like this poem my life has no rhythm
No purpose, no plan
It's just words

Yet for some reason
I keep right on speaking
Though I know my words pain
Those who care

At least I know now for sure
I'm not alone in this world
And unless something unthinkable happens
Never more will I ever be

But your love, however loving
However infinite it may be
Cannot fill the void in my soul
The space where my heart used to be

I cannot say that I love you
Although I wish that I could
But I don't love myself
So there's no seed
From which my love for others could grow

But I choose to act as though
I felt something other than pain
I choose to treat you, my dear ones
As though my heart overflowed

I've done all I can think of
Or been asked to
I've sought help, taken pills
Been locked away

And yet here and now I feel nothing
But the same things I felt last year
And all the years before that

I don't feel any better
Nothing's helping
How long must this horror go on?
I'm not waiting for magical cures
I've done all that I can
And some that I didn't know I could

In general my eyes stay dry
Teardrops are alien things
But right now my eyes are leaking
And my head aches with the pain that I've shed

What can I say now?
What else can I add to these words?
I can't change the past but
Neither, it seems
Can I change now
Or anything at all