Happy Anniversary

I thought it was over
I thought that I had recovered
I thought I was better
I anticipated no more scarred lines

It was a lie
It wasn't me
I mistook love for strength
And when love ended
So too did strength

And today, of all days
Today
I remember

Because it could have been so good
Except it wasn't
I was loved, cherished, valued
Except I wasn't
I had a place, a home, family
Except I didn't

I barely need two hands to count
All the people I've loved deeply
Who loved me in return
The ones I let inside
The ones who knew the real me
As much as anyone can
When I don't know myself

B said I was manipulative
K said I was selfish
J said I was darkness incarnate
And took N with her
M said variations on the theme
And T followed her away

They all said the same things
Over and over
Repeating like some
Cacophonous harmony

Only one remains
And I don't doubt her feelings
Or her intentions
But those who know me best
Have taught me who I am
And I'm sure she'll see the truth
Sooner or later

I'm not living my life for love
That's a hope I refuse
If I ever live for anything
It must be my own self, complete

And yet
And yet
And yet
And yet who doesn't want love?
Who doesn't grieve when it is lost?

But it's not the loss of love
That brings me close to tears tonight
It's the fact, the simple fact
That those who know me best
Have all said the same thing

I am not a good person
I will never be
I am toxic to those around me
I will only ever drag those I love with me to the dirt

I'm not some sad teenager
Saying I'll never love again
I know that nobody's perfect
And those two hands' worth of loved ones
Had and have their own flaws

I'm just saying they were mostly decent people
That saw whoever I really am
And all agreed, without knowing each other
How horrible who they saw is

This would have been my anniversary
It's good that it is not
But I won't forget the lessons
I was taught