So I've been coloring a little again...

Not too far from here

"Somebody's down to their last dime

Somebody's running out of time

Not too far from here

Somebody's got nowhere else to go

Somebody needs a little hope

Not too far from here

And I may not know their name

But I'm praying just the same

That you'll use me, Lord, 

To wipe away the tears

'Cause somebody's crying

Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused

Somebody's got nothing left to lose

Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust

And somebody's dying for love

Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face

But I'm praying for your grace

To move in me and take away the fear

'Cause somebody's hurting

Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain

Help me not to rest while those around me weep

Give me your strength and compassion

When somebody finds the road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused

Somebody's got nothing left to lose

Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust

And somebody's dying for love

Not too far from here

Now I'm letting my guard

And I'm opening my heart

Help me speak your love to every needful ear

Someone is waiting

Not too far from here

Someone is waiting

Not too far from here

Not too far from here"

~"Not Too Far From Here" sung by Michael Crawford

Dear Death

Dear Death,

We're old friends, you and I. I've walked and flirted and danced with you but you've yet to take me home with you. Instead you leave me here with Life. Do you know what he does to me, Death? The tortures he pains me with, the horrors he's inflicted on me? Why must you leave me here with Life? He has tormented me nonstop for years. Each day he makes me long more and more for your embrace, my dear friend. Why do you withhold your sweet rest from me? When will you allow me to run into your arms? Life says that I must remain here with him until he is ready to release me, but I know you can override his wishes if you so desire. Even I could override his wishes if I but had enough courage. I think that I will have that courage soon. Soon I will be clasped in your waiting arms, sweet Death, and leave this wretched Life behind forever.

Yours,
Threnody

Note: no freaking out, dear readers. The crisis that inspired this missive is past and gone. But upon finding it hiding in my journal I could not but share it with you.

I miss my Worgen DK

This one, while awesome, just isn't the same.

Because it's miraculous when small children believe what you tell them is the truth.

For, Again

For the arms that held me fast
For the memories now past
For the days and sleepless nights
For the tears of wasted fights

For the lack of where to flee
For the worthlessness of me
For the drifting here and there
For the peace that comes so near

For the empty nights of fear
For the road that's never clear
For the love I once possessed
For the Loves I once distressed

For the touches I now lack
For the darkness deep and black
For the love I did not show
For the Son I barely know

For the path trod all alone
For the sins I must atone
For the selfish things I've said
For the always that's now dead

for all these I seek release
for all these I weep tonight
for all these I search for peace
for all these my cries take flight

I look at how much trouble I have giving even my cats enough attention and know my son is in the right place. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, sometimes. It doesn't mean I wish things could have been different. But this is the way things are and I really think that they've turned out as well as can be expected.

I Weep

I weep for memories past
But I do not wish to relive them

I weep for loves discarded
But I do not wish to feel them

I weep for tears shed
But I do not wish to cry them

I weep for dreams replaced
But I do not wish to dream them

I weep for choices made
But I do not wish to repeat them

I weep for chances not taken
But I do not wish to take them

I weep for friendships broken
But I do not wish to repair them

I weep for faith misplaced
But I do not wish to believe

I weep for arms that comforted
But I do not wish to be held

I have a dream...

That when a dk stands at the dungeon entrance and does nothing, my sexuality is not used as an insult.

That when the Alliance is beaten in a bg by the Horde three flags to none they do not claim to be victims of sexual violence.

That when an LFR group wipes on the first boss and half of them leave, the rest don't claim that they were of my sexuality.

I Love <Blank>

Gay

Straight

Bisexual

Pansexual

There's a lot of words to describe one's sexual orientation. But most of them seem to be based not on who we love, but on who we are. And frankly, I find that confusing. Here's why.

I don't know who I am. I was born with a woman's body, and I have identified as a woman for years. Yet something was always just a little bit off with that. It wasn't quite right, it wasn't quite me. And then I finally figure out that hey, I like women! So that makes me gay, right? Well...sort of. Because you see, I don't identify as a woman anymore, not completely. Nor do I identify as a man. I'm neither, something in between with elements of both. So does the word "gay" fit me? I love women, but I'm not quite a woman. The word "straight" definitely doesn't work here. I suppose you could try to shove me into bisexual, but I think we can all agree that's pushing it.

So I think we need a new method of describing ourselves. One that doesn't mean "I'm a woman or a man who likes women or men" but one that simply says "I love <blank>."

Far Far Away

"She passes the days, one after the other
She never sees, she never hears
Counting the hours, her life is a rerun
A series of failures rolled into one

When she was young, she looked to the future
Eyes full of promise heart full of joy
How had the road twisted so harshly
Can these two women be one and the same?

Once she dreamed of romance
Once she imagined she lived in a castle
Once she held the world in her hands
Once was a long time ago
Far far away

How her mind aches, her life's been a hard one
Filled with such sorrow, no girl should know
How her heart aches, she's loved and she's lost
Some say it's better, but she disagrees

Once she dreamed of romance
Once she imagined she lived in a castle
Once she held the world in her hands
Once was a long time ago
Far far away

When she was young she looked to the future
Eyes full of promise, heart full of joy
How had the road twisted so harshly
Can these two women be one and the same?

She passes the day, one after the other
Looking for romance
Far far away"

~Far Far Away by Blackmore's Night

I have not written in nearly a month, and nothing of substance for a month beyond that. I do not apologize for that; after all, this blog, in whatever incarnation, has always been for me, not you. Yet writing is one of my life's purposes. Without words, I wither. So I shall do my best to start writing more.

And down we fall, down the slippery slope into madness, and there is nothing to stop our slide.

Sometimes beauty hurts. I see a lake, a tree, a cake, a girl, and there is so much beauty I have to look away because it just hurts.

I wasn't born with depression. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I had been. Because I remember life before depression. I remember what it felt like to be free. I remember what it felt like to laugh wholeheartedly. I remember what it was like, and my life feels so empty now.

It hurts to hear the hope in my father's voice when he hears I've visited a church with friends. Because I know that he will never accept who I am, and will probably pray to his dying breath that I find "the truth." I wish he could accept that I've already found it.

I Choose to Look Through My Own Eyes

And what is it that my own eyes tell me? Who do my eyes say that I am? My eyes tell me that I have endured more in my 23 years of life than some people do in a lifetime. My eyes see that while I may be broken inside, I am still standing. My eyes see that though I have suffered betrayal after betrayal, I have lost neither the ability to trust nor the will to hope. My eyes see that even though I have been tempted to give up time and time again, through sheer stubbornness I continue to move forward. My eyes tell me that I may focus on myself a lot, but I am always willing to help a friend, enemy, or stranger who needs me. My eyes tell me that I am not weak, but strong. And my eyes tell me that while I will always have room to grow as a human being, I can be proud of who I am right now, today.

In browsing my website stats I've noticed that some people have been attempting to follow links that no longer exist, specifically to darknesseverpressing.com (or .blogspot.com), iplaywithmarkers.com (or .blogspot.com), or untwistingthetangledweb.com (or undertakingliberty.blogspot.com). I realize that all links that go to those sites are broken or blocked, and I apologize for that. I am making it my mission to go through and fix all those links, but it will probably take a while. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Christians like to look at Easter and say "Look how much God loves us!" I tend to look at Black Friday and say, "Look how God treats those he loves!"

A Letter to a Hero That Has Let You Down

I struggled for a long time with this post, finding a hero that I've had at all. See, I learned pretty early that people would always disappoint me, so I was never much one to idolize anyone. At first I thought, I will do a post about God! But then I thought...God didn't let me down, because he never existed in the first place. That's like saying Frodo let me down. You could make a case for it in a figurative sense but it doesn't really fit. But eventually I thought of one. Or two, really, but I shall write to just one.

Dear Daddy,

My eyes are tearing up just starting to write to you. And I can't help but be reminded of all the other times I've done the same thing. And then I can't help but think of all the times you got such letters and promised to do better and then...never did a thing. See, you're my daddy. I always looked up to you. Remember how you used to sing to me?
"Daddy loves his Katy Beth girl
Katy Beth girl
Katy Beth girl
Daddy loves his Katy Beth girl
She's his bundle of joy."
But when I was abused and needed your protection, you said that I had sinned. And then you made a rule that plunged me further into shame and said "we will never talk about this again." And so I hid. I hid my shame, with no one to talk to. I should have been able to talk to you, Daddy. And eventually when I grew older and disregarded the rule and tried to talk to you, you always put me off or changed the subject. And then you told me that you would not get me the help I so desperately needed. You told me "if I could not do it on my own then no counselor would be able to help me." You let me down, Daddy. I often get harsh with Mommy for how she acted towards me, but you are the one I went to when I needed help, you are the one I trusted, and you are the one that let me down.
I still love you, Daddy. But when I became pregnant with a baby that I was not ready for, instead of helping, you took the opportunity to say I told you so. When I got married I could not count on you even coming, though you eventually did...but only after your own daddy told you to. My wedding was a glorious day and I was too excited, and too cold (brrr) to pay attention to what you said. But I watched it later and you took the opportunity IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEDDING to cast your doubts on how long it would last. "We don't know if this marriage will last but we hope it does." Really? Who says that at their daughter's wedding? You do, Daddy. You let me down.
I love you, Daddy. But when that marriage did dissolve, you again could not wait to say I told you so, although the reasons it did had nothing to do with your reasons for not wanting me to get married. And when I needed a place to live where I could be closer to my son than I had been for the last few months, you hemmed and hawed until I withdrew the question. You let me down, Daddy.
I won't talk about your reaction to my coming out, mostly because you didn't react. You seem to have made yourself a rule much like the rule that made my childhood hell..."we will never speak of this." I want you to know, Daddy, that ignoring something doesn't make it go away. I would have thought you would have learned that by now.
So I just wanted to say, Daddy, that I still love you, and I always will, no matter what you do. I just wish that you wouldn't have let me down.

Love,
Your Katy Beth girl