I struggled for a long time with this post, finding a hero that I've had at all. See, I learned pretty early that people would always disappoint me, so I was never much one to idolize anyone. At first I thought, I will do a post about God! But then I thought...God didn't let me down, because he never existed in the first place. That's like saying Frodo let me down. You could make a case for it in a figurative sense but it doesn't really fit. But eventually I thought of one. Or two, really, but I shall write to just one.
Dear Daddy,
My eyes are tearing up just starting to write to you. And I can't help but be reminded of all the other times I've done the same thing. And then I can't help but think of all the times you got such letters and promised to do better and then...never did a thing. See, you're my daddy. I always looked up to you. Remember how you used to sing to me?
"Daddy loves his Katy Beth girl
Katy Beth girl
Katy Beth girl
Daddy loves his Katy Beth girl
She's his bundle of joy."
But when I was abused and needed your protection, you said that I had sinned. And then you made a rule that plunged me further into shame and said "we will never talk about this again." And so I hid. I hid my shame, with no one to talk to. I should have been able to talk to you, Daddy. And eventually when I grew older and disregarded the rule and tried to talk to you, you always put me off or changed the subject. And then you told me that you would not get me the help I so desperately needed. You told me "if I could not do it on my own then no counselor would be able to help me." You let me down, Daddy. I often get harsh with Mommy for how she acted towards me, but you are the one I went to when I needed help, you are the one I trusted, and you are the one that let me down.
I still love you, Daddy. But when I became pregnant with a baby that I was not ready for, instead of helping, you took the opportunity to say I told you so. When I got married I could not count on you even coming, though you eventually did...but only after your own daddy told you to. My wedding was a glorious day and I was too excited, and too cold (brrr) to pay attention to what you said. But I watched it later and you took the opportunity IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEDDING to cast your doubts on how long it would last. "We don't know if this marriage will last but we hope it does." Really? Who says that at their daughter's wedding? You do, Daddy. You let me down.
I love you, Daddy. But when that marriage did dissolve, you again could not wait to say I told you so, although the reasons it did had nothing to do with your reasons for not wanting me to get married. And when I needed a place to live where I could be closer to my son than I had been for the last few months, you hemmed and hawed until I withdrew the question. You let me down, Daddy.
I won't talk about your reaction to my coming out, mostly because you didn't react. You seem to have made yourself a rule much like the rule that made my childhood hell..."we will never speak of this." I want you to know, Daddy, that ignoring something doesn't make it go away. I would have thought you would have learned that by now.
So I just wanted to say, Daddy, that I still love you, and I always will, no matter what you do. I just wish that you wouldn't have let me down.
Love,
Your Katy Beth girl
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