Oh hey there, depression. I would say welcome back, but then, you never really left, did you? Of course, you have so many different forms. Feeling so utterly sad and angry and worthless after breaking up with not one but two partners was to be expected, I think. And of course you've dragged me up and down the scales from nearly happy to despair time and time again. But this...this is that depression that makes everything seem like nothing. I moved back to Wisconsin to be closer to my son, and I love seeing him. But underneath that love, underneath everything, is emptiness. Nothingness. Not darkness, not shadow, not even pain. This is the void that makes even emotions emotionless. I feel love and yet I feel emptiness. I feel pain and yet I feel nothing.
I've developed a bit of a temper over the last four or five years. Or perhaps it has been there for a long time and I have merely started letting it loose a bit. Or more than a bit. But right now, right here, alone with the void...I feel no anger. I am incapable of the passion that would require.
People have often wondered why it is that I am a cutter. After all, they reason, if I am in so much pain, why would I add to it? And to be sure I have cut because of pain. But right here, right now, my hand itches for the blade merely so that I can feel.
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