Once a Cutter

I haven't blogged in a while, because I haven't seen myself as a cutter for a while. But now...

This ought to be one of the happiest times in my life. And it is. I am supremely happy. I'm getting married in 6 days! It's amazing!

And yet the darkness threatens to engulf me. WHY?? It doesn't make sense. I don't choose this! I don't desire this! And yet...ahhhh! And yet, I do. No! I can't. So much battle inside. Except, the darkness doesn't fight. It creeps along, and then it engulfs, and when it has, I will no longer fight. And I can't go there! I can't afford a stay in hell, in darkness and in flames.

And with the darkness of course comes the almost overwhelming desire to cut. I haven't cut, not for 70-some days. Which is, by the way, a very long time. But I want to, I want to so bad. Yet, I don't. I can't. I won't.

And so perhaps, it is really...once a cutter, always a cutter, if nowhere else than in my mind.