Why Do I Not Bleed?

I think maybe I've figured out at least part of why, despite all desire and expectation, I have not started cutting again. Because I just thought about doing it, and immediately two thoughts came to mind. One, that cutting is too much work, and two, that I don't want to be that alone. The two are related in some ways. By "too much work" I don't mean that I'm too lazy to walk across the room and pick up a razor blade. That's the easy part of cutting. It's what comes afterward that is so difficult and so isolating. Because you have to monitor everything. It's pretty warm in this state, so I have to carefully consider placement, and then wardrobe, and if I inadvertently pick the wrong clothes, I spend the day worrying that people might see. And cutting makes for sudden mood swings as you go from depression to euphoria, so you want to make sure this isn't this obvious sequence of depression - closed door - happiness, which doesn't happen as much for me because I'm usually hiding the depression part anyway. And then there's the choices of who to tell (if anyone), who can you trust, who must you hide from. And if you do decide to tell someone, then you have to stop and weigh your motives. Are you telling them because you want sympathy? Attention? Help? And those you decide to hide from, you try to hide just the cutting...but then you have to hide the depression, too...and eventually you just start avoiding them altogether, which just makes you feel isolated. Especially since in general the friends you might be honest with are a very tiny number of people. Of course feeling isolated makes you want to cut more, which adds to the whole mess, which makes it more stressful, which makes you want to cut more, which isolates you more...get the idea?
But that's really only part of the reasons, I would say. I hardly know myself well enough to know them all. Another one is that I do have friends that I can talk to to ease the pain before I take that last bloody step. And for the most part, I do. Although I fear relying on them too much. I have this tendency to go from distrust to deep friendship rather quickly sometimes (although I'm picky about who with) and I think it overwhelms people. Being my friend is not easy. I know that. I'm trying to make it easier, but it is still difficult. I want to be loved, and in opening my heart to give and receive that love I think I tend to give out more of myself than people are prepared to handle. Anyway. Bit of a rabbit trail there.
I did try cutting recently. The stress was just too much for me to handle alone. And, you know, it was just as good as I remember. Better even. It gave me such a high that I had to stop much sooner than I expected. And for some bizarre reason it did not hurt at all, not even while it was healing. But I realized when I did it that this is not who I am anymore. Sure, I still want to cut, almost all the time. But I've come too far to return to being the cutter I once was.
And I don't want to be alone. I don't want to tense when someone gives me a hug for fear they might bump unhealed cuts. I don't want to be unable to be active or do things because a sleeve or shorts leg might ride up. Cutting saved my life once, or many times, but now I have outgrown it. Now it would hinder my life, not help it.
Life is too short to add fear on top of pain.