Most of you don't know this, but at the end of May I tried to leave the world.

It would have worked if I didn't have second thoughts.

I'm glad I had second thoughts because things seem to be looking up for the first time in a long time.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, of course. Because life just doesn't "look up" for me. That is not a thing that it does.

I've started getting counseling this week. I hope it helps. I'm also getting back on antidepressants. Those will probably help.

I'm taking responsibility for myself and my life. When did I become an adult?

My parents refused to so much as come visit me when I told them. Until I got a "Christian" counselor. The only reason I would seek the advice of such a one is if I reconverted.

That hurt cuts deeper than perhaps most of the other hurts they have given me. I have scars I could put their name to that were caused by lesser hurts.

My father had supper with me the other night. Because it was his timetable, not mine. I went because I love him but nothing has changed.

I wish my life had been different. But when I look back there are so few things I'd change.

I've learned from the hurts and the pain has shaped me into who I am today. Perhaps I'm not completely happy with who I am, but I am me. If I was not shaped this way, I would be someone else.

When did I become an adult?

Anyway. Now you know.

I walked through the door
"Honey, I'm home"
I almost said

But that would have been silly
There's no one here
The fish didn't even wave his fins
(Hi Vol'jin)

And I wondered when
When will I open the door
And expect the silence?
When will I stop expecting
Love in this dark room?

Why am I so shocked in the first place?
Why does it hurt so much?
I've always been alone here
I've never walked through all three doors
And been greeted with anything except nothing

But today I walked in
And it hit me
That there is no one here to welcome me
No hugs
No "I missed you"
No kiss hello

Nothing here but me
And my stuff
I would trade all this stuff
For someone to love me
For someone to say hi when I return from work
For someone to miss me when I'm gone
For someone I can take care of
For someone to take care of me

I would give everything I have
For that

But right now I'm alone
Right now I cry tears that no one sees
Sobs that no one hears
No one to wipe them away
No one at all

Chapter 1

The border from sleeping to waking is a thin one, and Kilin came smashing through it. Leaping to his feet, he grabbed his father’s sword and rushed out the door to face the danger that had woken him head on. Or at least he would have faced it, if he had found any danger to face. Or anything at all, actually. But the forest outside his treehut home was as still and quiet as any other night. Kilin turned to go back to his interrupted rest, when he heard two things: one, the lack of crickets and other nighttime creatures, and two, a far-off crashing and shouting that seemed to be coming in his direction. Kilin perked up a little. Nobody ever came into the forest except him. That was why he had made his home here after one too many early mornings of being beaten out of a villager’s barn. No one dared venture into the trees after him, even when he crept into the village at night to raid the henhouses and vegetable gardens or scare the sheep. That last he did only rarely; he understood the villagers feared him because he was an outlander, so he tried to leave them be. Still, when they set traps for him at the edge of the forest, scaring sheep was the least he could do. He had almost fallen into that last spike pit, curse them! Losing a few eggs now and again served them right for trying to murder him.

The crashing and shouting drew nearer. He could not quite make out the words yet, so he dropped quickly to the ground and began to creep closer to the clamor. Inwardly, he snickered. “Bet the villagers are all cowering in their beds at this racket,” he thought to himself. “Serves them right. Hope it isn’t anything too dangerous, though. Waving Father’s sword around might be enough to warn them off but I’ve a feeling anybody else would just laugh at me.”

By this time he had reached the source of the commotion. A large group of armed men were smashing their way methodically through the forest. “Keep your eyes open, men!” one shouted. Kilin assumed he was their leader. “First one to find that treehut gets the largest share of the reward!” Kilin dove into the nearest tree and scrambled upward until he had put a safe distance between himself and the group of warriors. A treehut? Why would they be looking for his home? He had been over every foot of the forest for miles around the village, he knew for a fact his was the only treehut. Worse, if they continued the direction they were going, they would find it shortly. He had not made any effort to hide it, since the only people around were the villagers. He quickly rejected the idea that they had hired these men. Kilin was no more than a minor annoyance to the village, egg-stealing or no. They really only hated him for being an outlander. There was no way they would spend their carefully hoarded gold to send anyone after him, let alone outland warriors as these clearly were.

His attention snapped quickly back to the men as their leader shouted again, “Make sure you don’t lose the boy! The reward on his head is enough to make us all rich men for life!” A loud cheer greeted his words. Kilin wished he could sprout wings and fly away. A reward on his head? No, this was definitely not about a few raided chicken coops, or being outland. “Only the king has the ability to put a price on someone’s head,” he thought frantically. Then almost fell out of the tree when a dry voice answered him, “Or the gods.” That voice had been in his head! Who could possibly be in his head? “Me. Obviously.” The voice spoke again, a touch of humor coloring its tone. At the same time, something shoved Kilin in the back. He managed not to scream this time, but he did fall out of the tree. Fortunately it wasn’t a long drop and he scrambled to his feet and turned to face what had shoved him, his father’s sword held high. “Most menacing,” the voice snorted. “I approve.” Despite the words, Kilin had the feeling he was being laughed at, a feeling which only solidified as he took in the creature that was, apparently, making itself quite comfortable in his head. “A horse?” he thought in disbelief, “a bloody horse is in my bloody head?”

“Now I’m insulted,” the creature huffed into Kilin’s head. “Really, when was the last time you saw a horse that could compare to me?” Kilin had to agree as he took in the inky black being before him, jumping back another few feet when enormous black wings erupted from the creature’s back. “I take it back,” he agreed out loud. “Definitely not horse. Perhaps a demon?” he continued in his head, forgetting already that the creature could still hear him. It snorted angrily and plastered its ears back against its skull. “I’m insulted! And confused! How could you possibly not recognize a zahn when you see one! You are astonishingly ignorant for a future zahntir.”

“A what now?” Kilin was beginning to feel overwhelmed. First armed men go crashing through his forest looking for his head, now a creature that looked like a horse with, he had to admit, bloody awesome wings was calling him names - inside his head. Dimly he wondered if he had managed to go insane.

“For the first part, it isn’t a name. Well, technically it is, more of a title really. Have you never heard of zahn? Or the Riders?” Kilin shook his head. “I don’t know much of anything, really. You’re the first...person...to speak to me for quite a while.” The creature sounded bewildered. “But you are still a child. Have you no guardians or friends to care for you?”

Memories of his life in the village flashed unbidden through Kilin’s head before he drew himself up proudly. “I’m sixteen years,” he stated firmly. “No longer a child.” The creature looked at him a bit sadly. “No, not a child,” he agreed. “You have not been a child for a long time, have you?” Before Kilin could question what it meant, it went on in what could only be described as a pedantic manner. “I am a zahn. It is a strange thing to me that you do not know what I am, or recognize me by sight. Every child knows what a zahn is. Do you know of the gods, at least?” Kilin nodded. “Well that’s something, I guess. I suppose the easiest way to describe zahn then would be younger cousins of the gods. We are divine, if not strictly immortal. All zahn are destined to find a Rider with whom to bond for eternity, through life and death. You are destined to bond with me, but because I am,” and here the zahn sounded extremely proud, “who I am, you will be far more than just a Rider. You will be zahntir, Captain and Ruler of all zahn and Riders. It is a position of great honor and power!” the zahn finished rather impressively. He blinked, and added, “Oh, and my name is Niilk.” Kilin opened his mouth. Then shut it. Then opened it again. “Nice to meet you. I’m Kilin,” he managed before falling over in a faint. Niilk made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a snicker. “That wasn’t quite the response I anticipated. Oh well.” He levitated Kilin’s unconscious body onto his back, then took off, still snickering. “This is going to be so much fun.”

Meta is fun (when you're a priest)

Gwaed