Most of you don't know this, but at the end of May I tried to leave the world.

It would have worked if I didn't have second thoughts.

I'm glad I had second thoughts because things seem to be looking up for the first time in a long time.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, of course. Because life just doesn't "look up" for me. That is not a thing that it does.

I've started getting counseling this week. I hope it helps. I'm also getting back on antidepressants. Those will probably help.

I'm taking responsibility for myself and my life. When did I become an adult?

My parents refused to so much as come visit me when I told them. Until I got a "Christian" counselor. The only reason I would seek the advice of such a one is if I reconverted.

That hurt cuts deeper than perhaps most of the other hurts they have given me. I have scars I could put their name to that were caused by lesser hurts.

My father had supper with me the other night. Because it was his timetable, not mine. I went because I love him but nothing has changed.

I wish my life had been different. But when I look back there are so few things I'd change.

I've learned from the hurts and the pain has shaped me into who I am today. Perhaps I'm not completely happy with who I am, but I am me. If I was not shaped this way, I would be someone else.

When did I become an adult?

Anyway. Now you know.