Death, Despair, and Destruction

WARNING!!!!!! Please remember that I write in order to express feelings if I can before trying to express them through blood. Also note that I do NOT desire to kill myself, it is just an internal struggle that annoys the crap out of me. I don't know where it comes from and I'd really like it to stop. But it won't. And so that is where this post comes from.

Death, destruction, and despair...starting to become pretty commonplace in my life. I can't decide whether that is good or bad. They're starting to lose their sting, starting to become a little less...horrible. "O grave, where is thy victory; o death, where is thy sting?" True words, and ones I have no problem agreeing with. Score one for you, God.

Death, death, and more death. Yay. The mood I'm in now...prolly not good for me. I'm dwelling too much on October, on what I did "wrong," what i could have done to actually succeed...and something is pushing me to try again. That scares me like you wouldn't believe. I know what it takes to make me take that final step, to try it...and it's not much. It only takes the right combo of darkness, depression, self-pity, and loneliness...a combo I can feel myself fast approaching, a place I don't want to be. Oh, yeah, and pain...both physical and emotional/mental. I got that too.

So, I'm both dark and terrified, and the terror only drives the darkness deeper. So I've got the feeling in my stomach that invariably leads to blood...but I'm scared to do that, too, because I might not be able to stifle the urge to go too far. But I really want to, so I might anyway, so it's like...i'm unsure
And I hate being unsure of my ability to control myself. I can control nothing else about my life besides my own actions, and if I can't control even that, where am I? Drifting is only good if I choose to. When I feel like i have no control over what i do OR what others do in my life...what is the point of me living it?

I'm not saying I want to stop living, although on some level, that is what I'm saying. I have an amazing reason to go on living...it's my fiance. And not wanting to hurt my friends. But for my beloved, it's more than just not wanting to hurt him. I want to give him a lifetime of loving to make up for the sucky existence he's had so far. And beyond that I just want him to know he's loved, because he is my lover and he deserves it. And selfishly, I want him to love me for the rest of my life, too...and it's hard to love a corpse or a memory. So yeah, i don't want to hurt him, but i also want to give him the love he deserves.

But that love doesn't negate the urge to...well, to kill myself. They both exist in my soul and they fight, and it's starting to tear me apart. And cutting would help with the conflict, but there again is the question of going too far, of not being able to control myself. It's driving me, pushing me too far, drowning me.