I fear sleeping nowadays. I don't really know why, but I face each advent of sleep with something akin to terror. I don't know what I think will happen, just that it must be avoided at all costs. So I've stopped sleeping, for the most part, this week. I only lay down when I absolutely cannot function anymore, and even then I lie awake as my brain tries desperately to fight...what? Since this is usually about the time my son is getting up, I tend to not have the chance to sleep deeply or long anyway, which is okay with the part of me that is irrationally terrified of a necessity.
The fun thing about depression, though, is that it feeds on tiredness, on weariness. So while I am busy saving myself (from what?), I am in effect opening the gate for the darkness to just have its way with me. I can't win...but then, in dealing with depression, so few can. I am so tired of fighting the darkness, of trying to outrun it. It is going to come no matter what I do...would it be so horrible if I just let it? Even the darkness and emptiness would be better than the fear and utter weariness I stumble through now, wouldn't it?
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