Something I Hate About Myself

The first and most obvious thought was depression. But depression is a tricky thing, it is part of me, and yet not part of me. But as I thought about it further, I found a better candidate for this post. It is weakness.

Weakness has caused so many problems in my life. I was too weak to stand up to myself for the principles I once believed in, and got kicked out of school. And then pregnant out of wedlock. And of course there was the cutting, which is as tricky as depression in its own way. On the one hand, you have incredible strength, the strength to make yourself bleed over and over and over again. But on the other hand, you have weakness, the inability and unwillingness to stop yourself from bleeding over and over again, the reluctance and refusal to face down the addiction and free yourself from it. And I have often wondered if being willing to face myself would have brought me to the knowledge of my own sexual orientation sooner. I suppose for that there is no way to tell.

Of course those are not the only problems I have faced because of weakness, especially when coupled with its shadow, laziness. All new mothers struggle, but I struggled far, far more than I needed to. I was too weak to face what needed to be done, and do it. Instead I looked for ways out, tried to run away rather than be strong enough to love. And there are many ways that weakness factored into the dissolving of my marriage and my partnership and the losing of my family and home, perhaps too many to count. I know two people you could ask if you wanted a list.

Weakness shies away from facing up to those things about yourself you do not like, and tells you that you are not strong enough to change those things anyway (or is that depression? Perhaps in this instance they are alike). It faces the challenges and hardships of life and runs away to hide behind razor blades, or words, or doodles, or games, or whatever is easiest. Weakness looks at "must" and says "I can't." Weakness says it is too hard to become strong. But it is strength that I need and become strong I must.