Oh dear. This is a tough one. I suppose I could go the easy way and take Day One's topic. After all, if weakness is something I hate about myself, isn't it something I need to forgive myself for? But I think not. Weakness is something that needs to be eradicated, not forgiven. I keep running into a problem with these challenges, where I think I need to write about the thing I most hate about myself, or the one thing I most love about myself, or the biggest thing I need to forgiven myself for. But I don't. I can write about anything, big or small. I could completely trivialize these by writing flippantly about tiny things, or traumatize myself by writing epic narratives about the biggest and worst things in my life, but instead I think I will choose to be real.
I need to forgive myself for being a bad mother. Now, we can argue up and down about motherhood and what makes one a good or bad parent, but the truth of the matter is that when it comes to being a mother, I did many things I regret. And for those things, without negating them or trivializing what was wrong with them, I need to forgive myself.
I need to forgive myself for allowing depression to come between me and my love for my son.
I need to forgive myself for attempting to take the easy way out of parenthood by considering and planning to give my son up for adoption.
I need to forgive myself for losing my temper and screaming and swearing at my son, not once but far too many times.
I need to forgive myself for dumping all the responsibilities of motherhood on my Love as soon as she entered our relationship.
I need to forgive myself for being distant emotionally, mentally, and physically from my son when he needed me.
I need to forgive myself for all of these things. One day, I hope my son will forgive me as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment